Chapter 9

The cigarettes and lighter Lin Xigu had taken from She Xiao’s pockets were never returned to their owner. The half pack of smokes was placed on his bedside table where it became his nightly ritual to turn it over in his hand several times before he went to sleep.

He had even tried lighting one once, holding it in his mouth and lightly biting down while recalling how She Xiao had looked while he smoked. He didn’t know how to smoke and didn’t derive any pleasure from it, but he still finished the whole cigarette, one drag at a time.

With the butt held between his teeth, he flicked the spongey filter with the tip of his tongue.

He only lit that one cigarette and left the rest untouched. They were too precious.

“Your… your uniform got ripped, right?” Lin Xigu placed the bag he had been holding inside She Xiao’s backpack. “I asked Dean Yi for a couple of extra sets. You can have them.”

They each had two sets of uniforms to be rotated between launderings. With only one usable set left, She Xiao would have had to run the wash every evening to have something to wear the following morning, which was hugely inconvenient. Uniforms had to be pre-ordered and they were not easy to order in the middle of the term.

Lin Xigu had approached the dean and made up a story about a juice stain that wouldn’t wash off his shirt. There were always a few extra sets lying around due to various reasons and he had been able to find two sets in She Xiao’s size.

She Xiao looked at Lin Xigu and said impassively, “No need.”

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It didn’t feel like much time had passed at all before the pre-class bell rang. Lin Xigu was still sluggish and he procrastinated for several minutes before finally opening his eyes.

The first thing he saw was She Xiao’s eyes, looking back into his own. Caught unawares, Lin Xigu jumped.

She Xiao looked away, rubbing his forehead with his wrist, seemingly unbothered.

He might not have cared but Lin Xigu certainly did!  Was She Xiao looking at him just now? Had She Xiao been watching him sleep?

Lin Xigu couldn’t help but turn tomato red again, and the more he tried to act normal, the redder he became. He couldn’t help it. Anyone would turn red after being appraised by eyes like those.

Because of what happened during lunch and the strange sweetness of looking into each other’s eyes, Lin Xigu avoided She Xiao for the remainder of the afternoon.

Even the chattiest boys were shy when it came down to it.

“Lin Xigu, you’ve been weirdly quiet today.” Li Balei turned and knocked on Lin Xigu’s desk. It was almost the end of the day. “What’s got your goat?”

“Have I?” Lin Xigu was busy copying assignment instructions from the blackboard. After he was done, he ripped the page from his notebook and placed it on She Xiao’s desk, then proceeded to make a copy for himself. “Doesn’t feel that way to me. I’m as sprightly as can be.”

“What do you mean? You haven’t spoken to me all day.” Li Balei scrutinised him. “Something on your mind?”

“Rein in those feelers, gossip girl.” Lin Xigu finished his copying and began organising the books to take home that night. “I don’t normally talk to you either. You’re always the one coming to me.”

Li Balei withdrew her probing and turned around. 

Lin Xigu thought, I do have something on my mind; I just can’t tell you about it. I locked eyes with She Xiao this afternoon. He was watching me sleep.

I don’t care if it was just a coincidence. All that matters is that our eyes met. And that means She Xiao was watching me sleep. 

---

Lin Xigu had no motivation to write his homework that night, his mind overrun with thoughts of She Xiao. When Xie Yang knocked on the door, Lin Xigu was still staring at his homework in a daze.

He answered the door to find Xie Yang standing awkwardly with a headful of suds, “Xigu, mind if I use your bathroom? I was halfway through washing my hair when the water stopped.”

Lin Xigu couldn’t hold back his laughter, and quickly nodded, stepping aside. “Go right ahead. Why’d you run out of water all of a sudden?”

”Maybe I forgot to pay the water bill?” Xie Yang wiped at the bubbles on his forehead, following Lin Xigu into the bathroom. “I’m sorry about all this. Were you sleeping? I didn’t wake you?”

”Not yet, you’re all good.” Lin Xigu handed him a towel. He noticed that his clothes looked damp too and smiled. “Why don’t you take a shower here instead? I’ve showered already, and I won’t need the bathroom. You can take your time.”

Xie Yang didn’t bother with the usual courtesies. He thought for a moment, then said, “That works. The shampoo got on me and I didn’t have a chance to rinse it off before the water cut out.”

“Yeah, go wash up. Do you need to grab any clothes from upstairs to change into?”

“Hm?” Xie Yang looked at him, then grinned. “Oh, you mean like underwear? I’m not wearing any. I’ll just go back in my shorts.”

“Ah…” As a baby gay, Lin Xigu felt a little awkward broaching the topic but Xie Yang seemed quite unabashed about it. “The shower gel’s in the cabinet; you can help yourself. Feel free to keep using that towel I gave you. It’s new and has never been used. You go right ahead. I’m stepping away now.”

”Gotcha,” Xie Yang answered.

As the sounds of running water emanated from the bathroom, the disruption was enough to finally free his mind of intrusive thoughts. He took advantage of the moment to quickly finish his homework. Otherwise, once Xie Yang left, he would be crippled by thoughts of She Xiao again and his homework would still sit uncompleted.

After Xie Yang finished in the bathroom, he made sure everything was clean and even wiped the floors dry. He wasn’t wearing his shirt. Instead, he had the bath towel slung over his shoulders. He grinned at Lin Xigu, “This towel is used now so I’m taking it with me.”

”Hm? You’re not going to dry your hair?” Lin Xigu asked.

”Nah, I don’t have a habit of using the blow dryer. It’ll air dry by itself. You should go to bed. I’ll show myself out.” Xie Yang grabbed his shirt and left. 

Lin Xigu looked at his back and realized that Xie Yang had a great body. Maybe it was because he played sports. He looked sturdy.

But he was very tanned, which could probably be attributed to playing basketball for long hours outdoors.

Lin Xigu thought about She Xiao’s porcelain arms and wondered why he didn’t tan like the rest of them. Athletic boys were a dime a dozen but there was no one who looked half as nice as She Xiao.

---

”Ma, I think I may have a crush on this boy.” Lin Xigu told his mom on their nightly video call.

His mom was silent for a few seconds before she heaved a sigh. ”You’re sure about this? My baby, you’re still too young.”

“Well, it doesn’t mean I’m going to do anything about it, I just… like him. It’s not like I can control something like that. He’s too good-looking. This is the first time I’ve ever felt this way about someone. Anyways, I’m taking the initiative to tell you first. If you want to get mad, then go right ahead, but isn’t it better that you found out this way rather than me hiding it from you?”

His mother was feeling helpless on the other end of the line as well. “How am I supposed to not worry when you’re like this? If you had fallen for some girl, I’d say go right ahead, win her over, breakups and all that are a part of life; no one would have the power to hurt you. But at your age, without your parents by your side, this could really hurt you for years to come. Do you really want to transfer schools again?”

“I know. I’m really not planning to do anything about it. I’m not planning to ‘win him over’ either. I’m content with just looking at him. Can’t you understand me? Aren’t there a lot of gay people where you are?”

Ji Qiong had been living abroad for several years already and although her outlook was quite liberal, she couldn’t help but feel troubled when it came to her own son. She pled, “Even if the whole world refused to do so, I would still try my best to understand you. I’m your mom. If you were in college and telling me this right now, I would support you unequivocally. But you’re much too young. You don’t know anything about how the world works yet.”

“I don’t need to know. Who hasn’t had a secret crush as a teenager?” Lin Xigu laughed. “Don’t overthink it, Ma. I won’t do anything rash. You can rest easy!”

Lin Xigu had always been responsible and had given her no cause to worry about that part of his personality. After ending the video call, Lin Xigu lay back in bed and smiled mockingly. His mother’s worries were completely unfounded. Given how icy She Xiao was, what could she possibly have to worry about? A mere look from She Xiao was enough to sustain him for days. How could he do anything reckless when he was already satisfied with what little he had?

---

Ever since Lin Xigu told his mom about his little crush, their phone calls became more frequent. Before, they would only talk briefly on video every night, but now, she would sometimes call him in the mornings as well.

On that particular morning, he was talking quietly on the phone while walking to school.

”I’ve told you already – you don’t need to worry. What time is it there anyways? Aren’t you busy?”

”Go do what you need to do. If anything happens over here, you’d be the first to know. I won’t lie to you, promise.”

”What kind of person is he? Let me think… well, he gets good grades, is very attractive, and his personality… his personality is average…”

Lin Xigu almost laughed out loud when he considered She Xiao’s personality. It wasn’t just “average”; it was dreadful.

As they were speaking, Lin Xigu came to a halt. He had just spotted She Xiao.

She Xiao was walking in front of him, also headed towards the school. Lin Xigu hurriedly ended the call and raced to catch up. It would make him so happy to see She Xiao sooner than he usually did.

”She – oof…” Lin Xigu was about to thoughtlessly tap She Xiao on the shoulder when She Xiao elbowed him, hard, forcing him back by several paces.

Lin Xigu clutched his abdomen and lowered himself to the ground. The blow had been dealt directly to his stomach. Cold sweat instantly beaded on his brow. He remained crouched as he looked up at She Xiao, his face twisted in pain, “I’m-sorry-I-shoulda-said-something-before-I-touched-you….”

She Xiao’s brows clenched. He knelt also, the expression on his face clearly one of anger.

“You go on ahead… I won’t touch you anymore. Let me breathe through it.” Lin Xigu’s stomach was convulsing and he just wanted to stay curled up. He had always known that She Xiao was strong, but it looked like he had still somehow managed to underestimate his abilities.

”Next time, you…” She Xiao’s voice sounded hoarse still. He hesitated for what seemed like an eternity before he reached out and grabbed Lin Xigu’s arm. His hand was cold, the feeling of his fingertips pressing into his arm chasing away all form of rational thought. “You should call my name first.”

Lin Xigu blinked, his mental faculties not yet fully returned when he heard She Xiao’s next question. “Where… does it hurt?”

He saw She Xiao’s eyelashes flutter. In that instant, Lin Xigu thought that even if someone had cut out his stomach entirely, it would have still been worth it.