Chapter 44

T/W: Domestic violence, physical and verbal abuse

She Xiao said he wasn’t coming over and he’d meant it.

Lin Xigu grumbled, alone in the house but not sure whom to blame for his predicament. If anything, he was reaping the consequences of his own actions. After spending two days at home by himself, Lin Xigu couldn’t stand it for another second.

What kind of vacation is this?!

School would be better. At least he got to see him every day at school.

In a huff, Lin Xigu called a cab and embarked on a spontaneous trip to where his dad lived. It was just as well, seeing as he missed his dad anyway and She Xiao was ignoring him. What else was he to do at home all by himself?

His dad was startled when Lin Xigu suddenly showed up at his office. He was in a meeting but immediately cut it short as he turned to Lin Xigu with a wide grin. “How did you get here? Why didn’t you call me to send someone to pick you up? You didn’t have to run around on such a hot day.”

Lin Xigu flopped down on the sofa. “I can get around by myself. I don’t need anyone to pick me up.”

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But he was already there and couldn’t just leave after just one day. His dad would be devastated. However reluctant, Lin Xigu stayed for one more day. Bright and early on the morning of the third day, he asked his dad to find someone to drive him back.

Before he left, Lin Xigu told him, “I have to study but I promise we’ll spend some quality time together after the Gaokao exam is over.”

“Swindle me all you want!” His dad waved his hand. “I don’t know who you’re thinking about with your head in the clouds all day. Kids all have a mind of their own once they get older. How about I come find you in a few days, dig up all the skeletons you’ve been hiding from me.”

Chortling, Lin Xigu squeezed through the door and was gone.

On his way home, he dialed She Xiao’s number. She Xiao didn’t answer.

She Xiao, I’ve already warned you, so now you’re the one inviting me. You have no reason to be mad if I show up.

Lin Xigu asked the driver to drop him off at the gates of She Xiao’s compound.

He actually did not have much of a plan for when he arrived. He was feigning confidence more than anything, but he was still a chicken deep down. He didn’t dare follow someone inside and up the stairs like he said he would. At most, he planned to wait around downstairs for a while and send She Xiao a few texts to see if he could get him to come downstairs.

But when he had only made it a few steps into the compound, he stopped abruptly.

He had just spotted the man whom he had met at the ski resort.

If Lin Xigu had to recall what he looked like from memory alone, he would not have been able to say what the man looked like. But seeing him in person, face-to-face, Lin Xigu remembered who he was in an instant.

When he saw the man, Lin Xigu’s breathing quickened rapidly.

All the nerves in his body were tensed as the anxiety subconsciously creeped up on him.

The man only glanced at his face in disinterest. He probably didn’t recognize him because he continued walking without slowing his strides.

Watching him from afar, Lin Xigu could not deduce anything out of the ordinary about the man.

He seemed like an extremely average and normal person.

Lin Xigu found it impossible to imagine how such a normal-looking person could be responsible for all the scars on She Xiao’s body. A person can’t be judged by their appearance, after all; who knew what kind of twisted half-soul they hid underneath their civilized attire.

Lin Xigu had nothing to worry about now that he had seen the man leave. He loitered by the door until a middle-aged woman exited the building and he easily slipped inside. 

He wanted to walk right into She Xiao’s life. After all, how was he to pull him out of it if he did not walk into it?

Lin Xigu sent She Xiao a text, asking:

Are you home?

He climbed the stairs one step at a time. With every step, he could feel himself growing one step closer to She Xiao’s orbit.

She Xiao replied:

Mn.

Lin Xigu’s heart pounded in his chest. He asked,

Are you still mad at me?

She Xiao’s reply came as he reached the 8th floor.

No.

Ah, he wasn’t mad anymore! Panting, Lin Xigu ran straight to the 13th floor. Standing in front of She Xiao’s door, he took a few deep breaths to steady himself.

He sent She Xiao one more text.

Then open the door. 

Lin Xigu waited for ten long seconds.

When the door opened, he saw She Xiao’s shocked and angered expression, looking exactly the same as it had before, which was to be expected.

He didn’t know why, but this time, Lin Xigu did not feel afraid at all.

“You just said you weren’t mad at me anymore! I only came upstairs after I saw him leave!” Lin Xigu said in a single breath and then gave She Xiao a light shove, pushing him backwards across the threshold and into his house. “I want to see the place where you live.”

She Xiao stood there, glaring.

Lin Xigu wasn’t completely unselfconscious. In a small voice, he said, “Didn’t I warn you already? If you don’t answer my calls, I will definitely show up at your door.”

Perhaps it was because that man had left, but She Xiao silently allowed him to stay and did not attempt to put him out.

The room was a complete disaster.

Lin Xigu looked around at all that he could see and bit his lip.

He touched She Xiao’s hand gently, asking, “Can you show me your room?”

She Xiao looked at him for a long time before he sighed, relenting. There really was nothing he could do about him.

Leading Lin Xigu by the wrist, he guided him around the mess on the floor and showed him to his bedroom.

She Xiao’s home was very large. Although many things in it were broken, it was still obvious that it was tastefully renovated. There was even a piano displayed off to the side.

She Xiao’s room was worlds apart from the chaos outside. His room was clean and tidy. His computer was on. There was a neatly folded pair of jeans hanging on the back of his chair.

Lin Xigu’s heart softened. This was She Xiao’s room, the place where he lived and slept every day. He turned to look at She Xiao, blinking nervously. “Can I sit on your bed?”

She Xiao pressed his hand to Lin Xigu’s neck, expressionless. “Sit.”

Lin Xigu knew that She Xiao was pissed and didn’t want to speak to him. A month ago, he would never have imagined that he would have the audacity to do something so bold. He took a mile for every inch that he was given, taking full advantage of the fact that She Xiao would never actually hurt him to keep pressing his boundaries.

There was an ashtray on the desk with a pile of ash and used cigarette butts inside.

Lin Xigu pointed to it. “You’ve been smoking a lot.”

She Xiao didn’t say anything and refused to look at him.

It was the worst he could do. Lin Xigu smiled. He had discovered that there was really nothing to be scared of once he had She Xiao figured out. All She Xiao could do when he was angry was refuse to look at him or talk to him. There was nothing else that he could do.

A screensaver appeared on the computer after sitting inactive for so long. The small ball on the screen bounced off the edges of the monitor.

The two of them sank into an inert state of quiet.

Lin Xigu knew that She Xiao would not respond to anything he said so he gave up altogether on trying to find something to talk about. He was still lost in the joy of taking one more step into She Xiao’s life, with a buoyant feeling that his future was looking up.

He would step into She Xiao’s life and then pull him out from its clutches. They would leave it behind together.

But just as Lin Xigu’s optimistic daydreaming came to a head, he was forced to a stop. Where could such hope be found when there was clearly no end in sight?

The sudden sound of a key turning in the lock was jarringly loud. Lin Xigu had been watching She Xiao intently while leaning on the desk. He stood to attention instantly.

She Xiao did the same.

He pulled Lin Xigu’s head around to face him. “Stay here,” he instructed. “You are not allowed to leave this room.”

Lin Xigu nodded.

His voice low and heavy, She Xiao repeated one more time, “Lock the door. Don’t go outside.”

“I won’t,” Lin Xigu answered quietly, obediently.

She Xiao petted the back of his head and walked out, closing the door behind him.

Lin Xigu had been raised in a safe and comfortable environment his entire life. He had never feared for anything. This was the most nervous Lin Xigu had ever felt. To simply say he was afraid wouldn’t have been accurate. It wasn’t just fear; it was the whole-body tension that came when the thing you’d been wondering about with dreaded curiosity finally showed up at your door.

He could hear nothing at first.

After some time, Lin Xigu heard the man ask, “Where the f*ck did you go?”

She Xiao didn’t answer him. 

“I don’t know how the hell I raised a mute like you,” the voice sneered, “Your mother dumped you here. She doesn’t give a rat’s ass whether you live or die, and you still want to play the part of the good son?”

There was no reply. Lin Xigu stood sentry by the door, wondering what She Xiao was doing.

The sound of a lighter flicking echoed, and Lin Xigu’s nerves were so taut that hearing the sound made him shiver.

“Remember how I did away with your pappy? You’re not scared I’ll do the same to your laolao¹姥姥 (Laolao) – Maternal grandmother. ?” The man’s voice echoed in Lin Xigu’s ears, his skin bursting into gooseflesh. What kind of person would say such a thing? “No… you’re probably not scared. You’re made of ice, aren’t you? Tell me. Think about it carefully and take a wild guess. Is she more worried about her mother or about you?”

Lin Xigu was shaking all over, his teeth chattering audibly.

The man kicked over an unknown object which made a clattering sound as it fell.

It sent another chill down Lin Xigu’s spine.

“Then again, you’re f*cking almost 190 centimetres tall now. Guess you’re not as easy to toy with as you were as a child.” He laughed, continuing. “But you still fear me. I can see it in your eyes, looking like a scrappy pup. All I can see is your fear. What a fucking pity that you couldn’t even manage to reincarnate in a better life. Go back and try again, find yourself a good family this time.²Folk beliefs about reincarnation are being metaphorically invoked here. She Xiao’s father is telling him to go die. There is nothing supernatural going on.”

Lin Xigu choked on the cold air in his lungs, his throat smarting. He wanted to cough but he clapped his hands over his mouth, not daring to make a sound.

She Xiao didn’t speak for what felt like ages. His silence made Lin Xigu even more afraid, the quiet smouldering like death.

At the muffled sound of someone’s back hitting the wall, Lin Xigu’s heart, which had been racing, at last dropped with a thud.

It had finally begun.

“Little mutt, your ma’s gone now. She doesn’t care whether you live or die. Which means I can’t… tch, I can’t f*cking disappoint her, can I?” The man hissed out every word from behind clenched teeth. Everything he said was hard and cruel. “You’re quite the piece of work too. After all these years under my hand, I’m surprised you’re still alive.”

She Xiao must have thrown himself into the fight. He hadn’t said a word from beginning to end, but judging by the commotion outside of the door, Lin Xigu assumed that they were in a full-on fistfight.

He circled She Xiao’s room, pulling open every drawer in sight, but found nothing useful. Then he opened the closet and paused.

There were many canes inside.

Lin Xigu picked the thickest one, took a deep breath, then opened the door and walked out.

She Xiao had his back turned to him, his hand holding the man’s neck against the wall.

Neither of them saw him.

The man’s face was turning red from being choked by She Xiao. Even so, he cackled as he choked out, “You little bastard.”

Swift and brutal, he raised his leg, aiming between She Xiao’s legs with his knee.

Lin Xigu’s pupils shrank as he gasped. She Xiao would have been done for if that kick had found its target.

She Xiao dodged his leg instinctively. The man rose up, seizing a handful of She Xiao’s hair and slammed him against the wall. 

With his arm raised high, he began to lower the lighter in his hand to She Xiao’s throat. Then, just before he could lower his hand completely, Lin Xigu brought the cane down on his neck.

It was the most force that Lin Xigu had ever used in his entire life.

As he swung the cane, all Lin Xigu could think was —

I wish it were an axe.