Chapter 43

Lin Xigu was on tenterhooks the whole night, worried that he would see new injuries on She Xiao in the morning. But luckily, as Lin Xigu saw him approaching from the distance, the parts of him that were visible seemed to be fine at least.

“Are you hurt?” He asked, running over.

“Why run?” She Xiao answered with a question.

“Are you hurt?” Lin Xigu asked again.

She Xiao’s voice was mild. “No.”

Lin Xigu relaxed, grinning. He showed his sparkling white teeth when he smiled, his face lighting up with positive energy. 

He was like the sun, with a personality that nobody around him could dislike. Surprisingly, he had not become withdrawn and difficult after his parents’ divorce despite living on his own without any of his family nearby. Although he was sensitive to some things, he always tried his best to empathize with everyone he knew.

He and She Xiao were polar opposites. One of them got along with everyone with a constant smile on his face while the other was cold and isolated from all manner of social interaction. But there was a strange harmony to their personalities when placed together.

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Nkd Dktw czkdjle, pxkzkdt. “Xq nswapl R’hl clld pzllrkdt. R pzllr iwkvl olzz vss.”

“Then what’s…” – She Xiao touched the bags under Lin Xigu’s eyes – “…going on with you?”

Lin Xigu felt a little self-conscious as he raised his hand and touched the spot where She Xiao’s fingers had just been. “Nothing much.”

She Xiao frowned and scrutinized him for a long time.

Lin Xigu almost caved. He had never been a good liar, nor had he ever had anything worth lying about. He knew that he shouldn’t deceive She Xiao, but all he wanted was to get closer to him, to be where he was. There was no chance of She Xiao allowing him to continue his vigil if he told him the truth.

---

There were two days to go until the break. The attention span of everyone in his class flew far from their lessons. No one could concentrate on their homework, nor could they actually study during study hall.

Thinking about how he and She Xiao were going to be spending every day together, alone by themselves at home, Lin Xigu was excited like the rest of them, not wanting to do anything. The only thing he wanted was for the break to start.

That day, as they walked home together, Lin Xigu said, “Tomorrow’s the last day of school. Do you think we’ll be switching classrooms tomorrow night?”

“Perhaps,” She Xiao answered.

Lin Xigu could hardly contain his excitement. He was already starting to imagine the two of them cozied up together. She Xiao could even nap on his bed if he wanted to sleep. Ah ah ah, sleep on his bed and use his pillow!

She Xiao nudged his arm, interrupting his fantasies although they were still quite far from his front gate. “You should go.”

Lin Xigu nodded. “Okay.”

She Xiao stood there for a while, watching to make sure he had walked away, and only then did he turn his back and continue onwards. Lin Xigu shuffled away slowly. When he noticed She Xiao entering the compound, he retraced his steps and doubled back.

Like always, he stood outside the building for a while, then went to sit in the gazebo. A few cats padded out unhurriedly from the bushes. Lin Xigu took out the cat food that had just been delivered the day before.

As he crouched there, watching the cats eat, Lin Xigu heard a bang from overhead. The noise was not particularly loud but it was so quiet at night that any and all insignificant sounds were amplified to the point of conspicuity.

It had been the sound of something smashing.

Lin Xigu’s heart began to pound as he slowly stood and looked up.

With so many households around, a bit of noise was normal. But Lin Xigu was on edge for some reason, unable to relax.

She Xiao’s light was still on. Lin Xigu considered calling or texting him to see if he was okay.

He reassured himself. She Xiao’s up on the 13th floor. Any sound from his unit wouldn’t have traveled that far unless it was thunderous. He steadied himself and sat down again, trying not to overthink.

But when he saw the dim light appear on the 12th floor, he started to panic.

Clearly, the tenant had been startled awake and had turned on a night light to see what was going on.

Were they fighting? Was She Xiao hurt? Lin Xigu’s mind was once again flooded with memories of She Xiao slitting his own throat with a knife, and the wound on his hand that looked as if his pinky had almost been torn off.

He wanted to rush upstairs, but he couldn’t get into the building.

Lin Xigu’s mind was whirring, trying to figure out what he should do next. But before he could think too long, the light behind the glass doors suddenly turned on. Lin Xigu looked in and unexpectedly caught sight of She Xiao walking out of the elevator.

Lin Xigu’s heart leapt into his throat.

The button-down that was their summer uniform was far too white. There was no place for Lin Xigu to hide in the open night. The instant She Xiao saw him, he froze in place, staring. Shock and anger surged through his eyes. 

Lin Xigu’s voice trembled as he broke the silence, “What happened? You—”

She Xiao’s immediate reaction once he had recovered from the shock was to walk over and grab a fistful of Lin Xigu’s shirt, tugging him forward forcefully. Lin Xigu nearly tipped over and everything that he had yet to say was cut short. 

Lin Xigu felt like his shirt was about to tear under She Xiao’s grip. She Xiao’s hand was shaking violently with the force of his grip.

She Xiao didn’t listen to a word he said as he dragged Lin Xigu out of the compound. He didn’t make a sound, nor did he look at him.

“Don’t be mad! She Xiao, please don’t be mad!” Lin Xigu kept repeating. “Don’t get mad at me before you tell me whether you’re hurt or not.”

She Xiao shut him out completely. He dragged Lin Xigu along for what felt like an eternity. Lin Xigu’s collar was so tight around his neck that he could barely breathe. He probably looked a mess but he couldn’t care less at the moment.

She Xiao pulled him along until they arrived at the intersection just before Lin Xigu’s compound. He threw Lin Xigu with so much force that Lin Xigu almost fell. He knew that things were serious this time. She Xiao was furious.

“She Xiao, are you…”

“Leave,” She Xiao interrupted coldly. His expression was frightfully stern.

“…I’m sorry.” Lin Xigu wanted to say more, but in the end, that was all he said as he sighed and bowed his head.

She Xiao ignored him, still looking down at him coldly.

Lin Xigu slinked home under She Xiao’s icy glare. She Xiao had completely ignored him. All the warmth had gone from his eyes.

Lin Xigu was more than a little upset. There was the usual part of him that was worried about She Xiao, but he also blamed himself for ruining everything and making She Xiao angry again. But if he were given the chance to start over, he would do exactly what he did. There was nothing that he would do differently.

He wrote She Xiao a lengthy text, which meant that there was no chance of receiving a reply.

He would be lying if he said he wasn’t hurt. He had offered up his whole heart, only for it to be tossed coldly back in his face. But he was still more worried than he was hurt, praying only that everything was okay with She Xiao.

He did not sleep at all that night.

Just as the sky was starting to brighten. Lin Xigu sent She Xiao another text.

I only want you to be safe and well.

---

Based on his previous experience, Lin Xigu was fully prepared to not see She Xiao again for the rest of the break. But, unexpectedly, the first thing Lin Xigu saw when he walked downstairs the next morning was She Xiao waiting for him at his gate.

A thick dusting of cigarette ash lay scattered by his feet.

In that instant, a lump immediately ballooned in Lin Xigu’s throat.

He wanted to walk over, pull She Xiao into his arms and bury his face against his chest. But he didn’t dare.

“She Xiao…” Lin Xigu bit his lip and walked over, calling his name softly, his voice low.

She Xiao did not say anything. He raised his hand and squeezed his earlobe.

He seemed to like touching Lin Xigu’s ear that way.

Although She Xiao had shown up for class, Lin Xigu knew that he was still angry. He did not look at Lin Xigu even once that day. He uttered not a single word and instead slept on his desk for most of the day.

Even so, Lin Xigu was content. It was already a miracle that She Xiao had not disappeared.

Because it was the last day of the term, evening self-study was cancelled. In the afternoon, they moved their books from their old classroom to a room in the North Building which will become their new classroom in the new term.

The icy tension between them was unbearable for Lin Xigu. It was different from the tension from their previous fight. He had been one-sidedly and willfully dour that time. This time, She Xiao was genuinely mad at him.

When they arrived at Lin Xigu’s compound after school, She Xiao came to a complete stop.

Having been ignored all day, Lin Xigu was like a kicked puppy. His voice was low and stuffy as he asked She Xiao, “So how long are you planning to stay mad at me for? Tell me so I at least know what to expect.”

She Xiao looked at him, silent.

“I think this is worth three days at most. It shouldn’t be any longer than that.” Lin Xigu studied She Xiao’s expression as he asked cautiously, “Are you still coming over during the break?”

She Xiao finally spoke, but he gave Lin Xigu the answer that he least wanted to hear. “No.”

“Ah…” Lin Xigu’s mouth hung open for a while before he finally said, “You’re not coming over then…”

What a dreadful temper!

Why did liking someone have to be so hard…

Lin Xigu chewed on his lip, nodding. “I guess that’s fine…”

As She Xiao turned his back to leave, Lin Xigu suddenly grabbed his hand.

She Xiao turned his head to look at him.

Lin Xigu thought for a moment, then said, “You’re allowed to be mad, but you can’t disappear. If I call you, you have to answer. You have to answer, or else I’ll come find you.”

She Xiao’s brow was slowly creasing again.

Although he was nervous, Lin Xigu maintained his levelheaded facade as he continued in a serious tone, “If you dare disappear on me, I’ll immediately go wait outside your building. And when someone enters, I’ll follow them in and take the stairs all the way to your door. If you have a problem with that, you should probably just strangle me now. Anyway, I… I meant what I said. Just… just try me.”

By the time he reached the end of his speech, She Xiao’s glare was starting to send seismic waves through his heart, but with some persistence, he managed to finish.

Lin Xigu had already closed his eyes when She Xiao lifted his hand.

Slowly, She Xiao’s hand came to rest on Lin Xigu’s chin. His grip hurt a little. Lin Xigu opened his eyes and looked at him.

She Xiao leaned in close until their eyes locked. The look in his eyes was threatening. His voice was deep and grave. “Don’t ever come again.”

“Then you have to answer my calls,” Lin Xigu said.

She Xiao’s grip tightened. “I can’t,” he repeated forcefully.

Lin Xigu raised both hands and clasped them around She Xiao’s hand which had been holding his chin. Keeping his eyes on the other’s, he lifted She Xiao’s hand to his mouth and pressed his lips to it.

She Xiao’s hand shook almost imperceptibly. 

Looking at the small reflection of himself in She Xiao’s eyes, Lin Xigu stated with utmost sincerity, “She Xiao, why don’t we just be together already?”

It wasn’t clear to She Xiao why the conversation had taken such a sudden turn in direction and his stern expression was quickly replaced by one of bewilderment.

Lin Xigu had only enough courage to say it once. There was none left for him to repeat himself. His face slowly reddened.

She Xiao withdrew his hand and squeezed his earlobe once before walking away.

He walked quickly, hastily, and soon disappeared from the intersection. Left standing in place, Lin Xigu was filled with regret, wishing only that he would have repeated himself one more time.