Chapter 45

T/W: Domestic abuse, slight dubcon

Although Lin Xigu did not have much fighting experience, a boy could do a lot of damage when he exhausted every ounce of strength he had.

The blow had come out of nowhere. The man slumped over onto the ground. At almost the same moment, She Xiao jumped over his body and pulled Lin Xigu behind him.

She Xiao was breathing heavily, his chest rising and falling dramatically. Lin Xigu could feel the hand gripping his arm shaking uncontrollably.

They were both trembling, but Lin Xigu realized that She Xiao was shaking even more than he was.

“Who the hell are you?” The man coughed for a long time, his face flushed. He clutched his neck and sat back on the floor, looking up at Lin Xigu.

Lin Xigu said nothing. She Xiao was trying his hardest to hide him behind his back, shuffling backwards until he was ensconced between She Xiao and the wall.

“What are you doing in my house?” He asked again, still in the same position.

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Nkd Dktw oyp pszkezu pbklzele clbkde Fbl Dkys’p cynj, vbl cynj sq bkp blye ralpple ytykdpv vbl oyzz. Fbl Dkys’p cseu oyp pvkzz pbyjkdt hkszldvzu. Rv oyp Nkd Dktw obs tayccle bkp byde yde tyhl kv y tldvzl pbyjl, csvb kd nsxqsav yde vs tyvbla pvaldtvb qsa bkxplzq.

Rv pllxle bl byed’v clld dlyazu pvasdt ldswtb yqvla yzz.

Ohld vbswtb bl bye wple wr yzz vbl pvaldtvb kd bkp cseu, vbl xyd nswze pvkzz pvyde.

Mbl xyd yrrasynble pzsozu, bszekdt bkp dlnj, obkzl Fbl Dkys nassjle bkp yaxp cynjoyae kd yd wdxkpvyjyczu rasvlnvkhl pvydnl.

Nkd Dktw bye dlhla clld kd pwnb y pkvwyvksd clqsal yde bl oyp dlahswp yde yqayke.

Fbl Dkys, yzps, oyp yqayke. Rv bye clld xydu ulyap pkdnl bl bye clld vbkp pnyale.

Mbl xyd pywdvlale shla, yde Nkd Dktw pvyale qkaxzu yv bkx, vaukdt vs pvyal bkx esod. Mbl xyd ypjle Nkd Dktw ytykd, “Tlu, jke, obs yal uswa ryaldvp?”

Nkd Dktw vssj y ellr calyvb. “Zsw’al y rpunbsryvb.”

The man smiled. It was a very normal smile, but Lin Xigu felt cold all over.

He looked at Lin Xigu, then looked to She Xiao, his eyes going around and around between them until he raised his brow and said, “Ah, I remember now. Didn’t you two go skiing together last year?”

Lin Xigu glared at him and said nothing.

The man laughed and turned nonchalantly. He bent down and picked up a bottle. It was a bottle of wine, still half-full.

She Xiao shook harder than ever. Lin Xigu touched his hand. It was frightening how cold his fingers were.

“Do you see how scared She Xiao is right now? Isn’t it funny?” He laughed, then raised his hand above his head. In a flash, his expression twisted as he brought the bottle down by Lin Xigu’s feet.

No matter how hard She Xiao tried, he couldn’t shield Lin Xigu from absolute harm.

Lin Xigu heard She Xiao’s broken voice pitch into a pained scream.

The man chuckled, picked up his keys and left through the front door.

She Xiao’s face was completely bloodless. Lin Xigu squeezed out from behind him, ignoring the wine splashed over his clothes and the searing pain in his calf. Walking around to face She Xiao, Lin Xigu hugged him, his arms circling tightly around his neck.

She Xiao could not stop his trembling, his eyes squeezed shut. Lin Xigu could feel his chin knocking against his ear, as though he were having a seizure.

“She Xiao, She Xiao…” Lin Xigu softly kissed his chin over and over again, calling his name in a whisper. “She Xiao, what’s wrong? Look at me, I’m fine! She Xiao…”

She Xiao’s eyes stayed shut, almost as if he were too scared to open them.

“She Xiao, look at me…” Lin Xigu kissed him on the mouth. His lips were icy, with none of the temperature of a living person. Lin Xigu held onto his neck, repeating, “She Xiao, look at me…”

It felt like an eternity before She Xiao slowly opened his eyes. He was still trembling, and as he looked into Lin Xigu’s eyes, his lips parted slightly, his teeth loudly chattering together.

“She Xiao…” Lin Xigu looked at the boy in front of him, his heart ground into fine dust.

Looking at him, She Xiao suddenly pinned Lin Xigu against the wall, holding him down by the shoulder so that he couldn’t move. His eyes were bloodshot, the expression on his face contorting into crazed fury. With his teeth clenched, he began, “You weren’t supposed to come out.”

Lin Xigu said nothing. He merely clasped the hand holding him to the wall with his own hands, trying to warm it.

“I said ‘don’t leave the room’.” She Xiao kept his gaze trained on Lin Xigu. The expression on his face made Lin Xigu feel like he was looking at a stranger. “I never said you could come here, and I never allowed you to come out.”

Lin Xigu nodded. “I understand. I won’t forget again. It’s okay, you can relax…”

“Why do you always follow me around?!” She Xiao’s chin pulled taut with his frown. His eyes were so red, they might as well have been dripping blood. The words were threaded one by one through his teeth. “What do you like about me anyway?!”

Lin Xigu’s nose smarted. He worked his hands over She Xiao’s ice-cold hand. His eyes were filled with heartache as he continued looking at him.

“Leave.” She Xiao was still pressing hard against Lin Xigu’s shoulder. Lin Xigu felt like his bones were going to splinter under the pressure, but he said nothing and just kept shaking his head.

She Xiao lowered his head, his eyelashes still trembling incessantly.

It felt like a knife was being repeatedly plunged into his heart like a butter churn. Lin Xigu was asphyxiated by the sight of the boy before him. 

The blood dripping from Lin Xigu’s calf caught She Xiao’s eye and set fire to them. He clenched both fists and slammed them against the wall on either side of Lin Xigu. He growled angrily, “I didn’t say you could come out!”

He dove down and bit Lin Xigu’s neck. Lin Xigu hissed in pain as She Xiao gnawed at his neck, jaw, and shoulder in a frenzy.

“Do you like me?” She Xiao’s gaze frightened Lin Xigu as he demanded again and again. “Do you like me?”

Lin Xigu nodded vigorously. “Yes, I like you! She Xiao, calm down, don’t get stuck in your own head…”

She Xiao had already lost all semblance of rationality. He bit down on Lin Xigu’s lips and tongue until he drew blood.

He was like an animal in a feeding frenzy.

Ignoring Lin Xigu’s protests, he tore at his clothes, what little space between them permeating with the sickly sweet smell of alcohol and the blood from Lin Xigu’s mouth.

“She Xiao!” Lin Xigu winced at the biting. He was genuinely panicking now as he shook She Xiao’s arm. “She Xiao…”

She Xiao squeezed Lin Xigu’s waist with both hands, as if he were trying to snap him in two.

His mouth was pressed to Lin Xigu’s neck, his teeth on his Adam’s Apple.

Lin Xigu wanted to push him away, but he didn’t have the strength, nor did he have the heart.

“She Xiao…” Lin Xigu’s voice was starting to grow hoarse and nasally.

She Xiao lowered him to the ground, his entire weight bearing down on Lin Xigu. Lin Xigu frantically tried to stop him, but to no avail. He was no match for She Xiao.

When She Xiao’s hand touched the button of Lin Xigu’s jeans, Lin Xigu tightly gripped his belt and closed his eyes. The tears spilled over instantly.

His voice muffled with tears, he said slowly, “She Xiao, I really like you. We can do anything you want, but please don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me. Whatever you want to do, I will do.

“I want to consent, but please don’t force me. She Xiao, wake up. Please.”

She Xiao’s movements came to a halt.

It was as if his movements had suddenly frozen in place.

The air seemed to crystallize, leaving only the sound of their heavy breathing.

Lin Xigu opened his eyes. There was a deep pain in She Xiao’s face. She Xiao slowly raised his hand and with trembling fingertips, wiped away the wet path that a tear had snaked around the corner of Lin Xigu’s eye.

She Xiao leaned over him, gazing deeply into his eyes, and Lin Xigu looked back.

She Xiao’s eyes were heartrending. The corners of his eyes were tinged with pink from adrenaline, so that he looked soft and fragile again.

Lin Xigu inclined his head slightly and landed a tender kiss on the corner of She Xiao’s mouth.

With that, he bestowed a trembling kiss upon his startled little prince.

It was a kiss of acceptance, of forgiveness, and of redemption.

She Xiao bowed his head and pecked at Lin Xigu’s lips over and over, each kiss bitter with his overwhelming despair.

Lin Xigu embraced him and whispered softly in his ear, “She Xiao, I like you so much…”

She Xiao buried his face in the crook of Lin Xigu’s neck, inhaling the scent of his shampoo. A faint lemon fragrance, it was a comforting scent that belonged only to him.

He smelled like the sun.

There were countless times when She Xiao had wanted to push Lin Xigu away, but he was always pulled in by the urge to hold him tightly, to trap him in his embrace and feed on his warmth, gorging himself on his life-breath.

She Xiao’s rationality always stopped him from holding on too tightly, reminding him to keep Lin Xigu away from harm, to allow him to live and grow freely under the full light of the sun. But Lin Xigu always insisted on sticking by him without any sense of self-preservation, simultaneously clingy and tenacious.

Lost in Lin Xigu’s warmth, She Xiao massaged the other boy’s ears gently, absentmindedly.

They comforted each other in silence.

---

Afterwards, Lin Xigu sat in She Xiao’s bed wearing one of his t-shirts, his leg propped on She Xiao’s legs as She Xiao tended to the wounds on his calf.

His sculptured hands moved over his leg. There was a moment when the sight of She Xiao’s lithe fingers holding his calf made Lin Xigu draw in a sharp breath.

He had suddenly remembered his R-rated fantasies from all the nights before.

He wriggled his butt in embarrassment, wanting to disguise the source of his shame rousing to excitement in his pants.

She Xiao frowned and said quietly, “Don’t move.”

“… Fine…” Lin Xigu scratched his nose, not daring to look at She Xiao’s hands again for fear he would get a nosebleed in the next second.

She Xiao finished bandaging Lin Xigu’s leg. Lifting his head, he noticed that Lin Xigu’s face had turned completely crimson. He shifted his gaze where it fell on the coupling of Lin Xigu’s pants.

“Ah!” Lin Xigu flipped over onto his stomach, hiding himself against She Xiao’s mattress. “Stop looking at me!”

He buried his face in the mattress too, wishing he could temporarily evaporate off the face of the earth.

She Xiao blinked, his mouth twitching.

Lin Xigu lay like a log, indulging his most self-destructive thoughts until he felt a part of the mattress sink down and he shifted his head to steal a peek.

She Xiao had lain down next to him. He was very close.

What beautiful eyes, Lin Xigu thought.

She Xiao stared at him with those same eyes. “You’re… not leaving?”

Lin Xigu did not hesitate in his answer. “I’m not leaving.”

She Xiao nodded.

Then, Lin Xigu heard She Xiao’s low rasp beside his ear. “In that case… you can follow me down to hell.”

Lin Xigu’s heart trembled. His entire soul was being swallowed up by She Xiao’s eyes. Inside them was a blackhole, deep and bottomless.

He licked his lips and vowed hoarsely, “I’ll always follow you, whether to hell or anywhere else you want to go. I want to grow up with you.”

She Xiao kissed him. Lin Xigu parted his lips for him.

Their lips met, the other’s mouth on the tip of their tongues.

It was their first real kiss.

Soft and tangled together.