Chapter 41

Things were different now. She Xiao couldn’t keep Lin Xigu in line anymore. Lin Xigu was not intimidated by him in the least and was especially stubborn when it came to getting what he wanted. In the end, She Xiao couldn’t put off Lin Xigu’s dogged questioning any longer. He unwound the bandages and showed Lin Xigu his wrist. His hand was then meticulously treated with ointment before it was bandaged up again.

Lin Xigu desperately wanted to follow She Xiao home so he could see for himself what his life was like, what things he was going through. 

“Can I go home with you?” He asked.

She Xiao froze at the question, then shook his head.

“I only want to take a look.” Lin Xigu said.

She Xiao shook his head again, unhesitatingly firm in his refusal.

Lin Xigu usually got his way but there was no room for debate for this particular request. She Xiao would not allow it no matter what Lin Xigu said.

The two of them ate lunch in the cafeteria before returning to an empty classroom. Lin Xigu tried again. “I want you to take me home with you.”

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Fbl Dkys eked’v lhld nsdpkela bkp aliwlpv. “Gcpszwvlzu dsv.”

“Ebu?” Nkd Dktw ypjle, qasodkdt.

Fbl Dkys zssjle yv bkx yde iwklvzu alpvyvle, “Ls.”

“Mbld R’zz oyzj usw vs uswa tyvl. Zsw yzoyup oyzj xl vs xkdl ps nyd R pvyav alvwadkdt vbl qyhswa? R nyd oyzj xuplzq bsxl yqvlaoyaep.”

Fbl Dkys’p caso qwaasole. “Ls.”

Wsa sdnl, Nkd Dktw rlapkpvle. “R osd’v ts kd yde R’zz blye bsxl aktbv yoyu. R sdzu oydv… vs cl nzspla vs oblal usw zkhl.”

Gdtla qzknjlale ynaspp Fbl Dkys’p qynl yp bkp tygl csal kdvs Nkd Dktw’p lulp. Tkp hsknl oyp zso yp bl alrlyvle, “Ls.”

Nkd Dktw jdlo vbyv Fbl Dkys oswze cl tldwkdlzu ydtau kd y plnsde kq bl jlrv ralppkdt. Tkp lmralppksd oyp plakswp; bl bye dlhla alqwple bkx ps plakswpzu clqsal.

He dropped the topic and turned away, slumping down in his chair with his head bowed. Neither of them spoke after that as the issue drove a wedge between them.

They didn’t speak to each other for the rest of the afternoon. She Xiao left after every class, returning each time with the smell of cigarettes on his clothes. His face was cold and devoid of emotion. Lin Xigu could tell he was upset.

But Lin Xigu was upset too.

He had mixed feelings on the matter. He knew that he should not be upset, but this touched on the source of his heartache. He felt helpless to share the burden of She Xiao’s life but he wanted to be closer to She Xiao all the same. He knew that he couldn’t be by his side every moment of every day; all he wanted was to be closer to him. 

She Xiao had refused him so resolutely that it left Lin Xigu with a slight feeling of failure.

They both maintained their silence throughout dinner, sitting wordlessly across from each other in the cafeteria. Lin Xigu ate very little. He worried instead, not knowing when She Xiao could break free of his troubled life.

The usual fog of love had dispersed and for once, the sound of Lin Xigu’s voice was noticeably absent. Li Balei and Fang Xiaoshan found the sudden change unnerving. Li Balei peeked over her shoulder every so often, but didn’t catch the two of them exchanging lingering looks like they usually did.

During evening self-study, she scribbled a note to Lin Xigu.

— What’s going on with you two?

Lin Xigu wrote back:

— Nothing. We’re fine.

— Are you mad about something?

— No.

— Then why are you so quiet?

Lin Xigu continued to pass notes with Li Balei while writing his homework. She Xiao tilted his head and tried to read what he was writing but wasn’t able to see anything. Lin Xigu took out his notepad and deducted 100 points from She Xiao’s running total in one go.

He felt a slight twinge of regret after docking the points, but he put his notepad back in his drawer without changing his mind.

The next morning, there was another envelope on Lin Xigu’s desk, baby blue like all the others. Lin Xigu stuffed it into his bag without reading it.

She Xiao watched him, not saying anything.

Lin Xigu had already received several letters from the same person. He more or less knew the writer’s identity. Li Balei had told him about a girl in their class who had told all of her friends about her little crush. It was an open secret among the girls in the class. 

He had never spoken to that girl before. The only person he had in his sights was She Xiao. He had always thrown away the letters once he’d brought them home, which he had only done out of respect. It didn’t mean that he had to read them.

The tension between them outlasted the night and continued into the next day. She Xiao went outside to smoke after every class. Lin Xigu itched to tell him off for smoking too much but he didn’t want to break the silence. He was swallowed up by a sense of powerlessness. Even if he could alleviate the tension, it would not change the reality of the situation.

There was nothing he could do to help him.

He couldn’t share the burden of She Xiao’s pains.

Lin Xigu wallowed in despair as he bent lower over his homework. Afternoon self-study had just begun and She Xiao was napping on his desk. Their physics teacher asked the class rep to hand back their marked tests. 

The class rep made his rounds around the room. Half the class had fallen asleep and the room was silent except for the sound of his footsteps. When he reached She Xiao, Lin Xigu preemptively stuck out his hand and whispered, “You can just give it to me, thanks.”

“No problem.” The class rep was tall and friendly. He and Lin Xigu got along quite well. “I have your test here as well. What a coincidence.”

Lin Xigu smiled in thanks.

As the class rep turned to leave, he accidentally bumped the corner of Lin Xigu’s desk with his leg. The desk screeched loudly.

“Crap, I’m sorry! That wasn’t on purpose.”

Lin Xigu’s heart fell as he assured the class rep that it was okay, then quickly looked over at She Xiao. She Xiao had been frightened awake and was already sitting up, his upper body tensed. The look of fright had not completely disappeared from his face yet and his eyes were confused and vigilant, his breaths coming out in fast, shallow bursts.

“Everything’s fine. We’re all okay. You can sleep. He just bumped the table, that’s all.” Lin Xigu told She Xiao quietly. The class rep had walked away already. “Go back to sleep. It’s okay.”

She Xiao looked at him, still only half-aware of his surroundings.

Lin Xigu was overwhelmed with empathy. He didn’t care that they were not on speaking terms at the moment. She Xiao’s expression made him want to pat his back in reassurance. He placed his hand on She Xiao’s knee instead and shook it gently, comforting him in a quiet voice, “It’s okay. Don’t be scared.”

She Xiao blinked and took two deep breaths. 

Lin Xigu hated anyone disrupting She Xiao in his sleep, although it had been an accident. Lin Xigu frowned, feeling guilty. She Xiao had been sleeping deeply too. He hadn’t been attentive enough; he should have reminded the class rep to be careful. 

She Xiao was still watching him. After a few seconds, he nodded and lay down on his desk, closing his eyes again. It wasn’t obvious whether he had really returned to sleep.

Lin Xigu took out the paper fan from his drawer and continued fanning him. He must have been out of his mind to be upset with him.

She Xiao had spoiled him. He was being too nice lately, and Lin Xigu had taken it for granted. He couldn’t believe that he had started ignoring She Xiao over such a trifling matter.

When class ended, She Xiao stood to leave. Lin Xigu didn’t move for him and instead looked up at him. “Bathroom break?”

She Xiao shook his head.

”Smoking again?” Lin Xigu asked.

She Xiao blinked.

“I don’t think so,” Lin Xigu said.

She Xiao froze, looking lost. 

Lin Xigu lifted his chin and locked eyes with him. “You’re not allowed to smoke anymore today.”

She Xiao stood there for a few seconds before he calmly sat down again.

And just like that, their brief fight was over. Lin Xigu fell back into his candy jar again as his life returned to its usual sweetness.

They were always together, from the classroom to the cafeteria to their daily commutes. Lin Xigu thought life was beautiful.

It was a normal morning as the two of them walked to school. As they passed by a bus stop, they noticed a woman yelling at her child. It seemed that her son had been goofing off that morning instead of eating his breakfast and they were going to be late for school.

It was a common enough complaint from the mouth of a nagging mother. 

The child looked defiant as he talked back.

What Lin Xigu hadn’t expected was that the mother would raise her hand and slap her child across the cheek, demanding to know whom he was talking to in that tone of voice.

The child immediately started to bawl.

Lin Xigu’s first instinct was to grab She Xiao’s arm. 

She Xiao’s muscles were tense. He was anxious. Lin Xigu leaned close to his ear and called his name quietly.

She Xiao turned to look at him.

Lin Xigu looked him in the eyes. “We’re going to school.”

She Xiao nodded, not letting his footsteps falter and walked on with Lin Xigu at his side.

Lin Xigu had been scared that She Xiao would rush up to the woman, knowing that he always became uncontrollable whenever he saw anyone hitting their child. The man who had made his son bleed had deserved it, whether it had been an accident or on purpose.

But although the woman was clearly wrong to discipline her child in that way, She Xiao couldn’t just hit her. 

It was a good thing that he had been there to stop him and nothing worse happened.

---

Everyone in his class was hoping that the days would pass quickly. Although the impending summer break was so short that it couldn’t even be called “summer break”, it was still worthy of their anticipation. The scarcity made it ever more precious. At the same time, everyone’s hearts were heavy. They would officially enter into their final senior year once school restarted and it was going to be the most gruelling year of all.

They could no longer continue on in their homeroom; they would have to move to the North Building which was exclusively reserved for seniors. Gym class was also cancelled for good.

Lin Xigu had no plans to skip town for the summer; the break was far too short to make travelling count. He spent a few minutes out of every day on the phone with his mom and dad separately. In front of his parents, he would forever still be a child.

His dad had transferred money into his account again. “Pops, I really don’t need your money,” Lin Xigu insisted for the thousandth time. “At this rate, what you’ve given me will last me until I graduate from university.”

His dad sighed. “Your Pops doesn’t know fuck all what else he can do other than give you money.”

Lin Xigu laughed, “Perhaps I should go stay with you again during the break?”

“Don’t bother. It’s too much of a hassle for you and it’s also much too hot,” his dad said. “When things slow down a bit, I’ll come keep you company instead.”

“Okay,” Lin Xigu agreed obligingly. 

Lin Xigu hung up and flopped back onto the bed. He texted She Xiao:

What are you doing?

While waiting for She Xiao to reply, he thought about how great it would be if he could share his parents’ love with She Xiao.

She Xiao replied quickly.

Reading.

Lin Xigu wet his lips, a slight blush warming his cheeks. He slowly typed out his next sentence. There were only five words in his next text but he was about to explode with embarrassment.

I kind of miss you.

Lin Xigu, you’re completely shameless.

He threw the phone across the room after he sent the text and jumped up to grab ice cream from the freezer. He was too nervous to look at his phone again, even as it vibrated with a new incoming text.

Finally, he couldn’t resist any longer. He scrambled over, picked up his phone and unlocked it. There was only one word on the screen in She Xiao’s usual style.

Mn.

Although Lin Xigu had been mortified at his own boldness, he was deeply unsatisfied by She Xiao’s one-word answer. He tapped his ice cream with the back of his spoon and deliberated before sending a follow-up message.

And…you?

He tossed his phone away from him again like a hot potato.

Feelings were a scary thing, able to transform a person into someone completely unrecognizable. Lin Xigu felt like a creep who was utterly shameless. 

She Xiao did not reply until ten minutes had passed. Lin Xigu had almost assumed that he would not respond at all.

He held his breath as he unlocked his phone, unable to guess how She Xiao would have replied.

On his screen, the newest message still contained a single word. 

At first, Lin Xigu had been disappointed, but after careful dissection, he felt like he had just picked up a colossal treat.

Mn.

Mn. It was the only answer that She Xiao could give him. Could it be that She Xiao hadn’t wanted to reply at all, had felt that replying to such a message would have overstepped the careful limits he had drawn, which was why it had taken him ten whole minutes to type a single word? But She Xiao had ultimately been unable to resist texting back. He was unable to say anything else, but he also couldn’t not reply. One word was all that She Xiao could muster.

Lin Xigu put his phone away for good this time, burying it under his pillow where he would not be tempted to look at it again. He curled up in bed, hugging his knees to his chest and buried his face in them.

His heart convulsed painfully. He liked him so much.