Chapter 40

It was the boldest thing that Lin Xigu had ever done —

He had kissed another boy.

He had always been careful to hide his sexuality, not daring even to peek at any of the good-looking boys he encountered for fear of being discovered as a freak and making someone uncomfortable.

When he had transferred to this school in a whole new city at the age of sixteen, he had picked She Xiao out at first glance. And because he was beautiful, Lin Xigu had fallen for the notoriously combative problem student.

He couldn’t pinpoint when he had started liking She Xiao for more than just his good looks, when seeing him hurt made him acutely distressed. All he wanted was for him to be well.

He had finally just kissed the boy of his dreams. During those few seconds when his lips met She Xiao’s, Lin Xigu’s eyelashes never stopped trembling.

She Xiao was startled, his eyes widening as he looked at Lin Xigu’s face with his half-hooded eyelids and his long lashes shading a pair of wide eyes that usually sparkled with light. Within those eyes were countless stars, so intoxicating that they made one want to fall into their depths.

Cicadas sang a jaunty tune in the summer heat while fireflies danced around the streetlights, landing on their shoulders and hair before fluttering away. Together, they bore silent witness to two boys sharing a brief and secret kiss in the sultry night.

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He didn’t want to defile his memory, but he also couldn’t help himself.

Their relationship seemed to have swiftly returned to that golden age that Lin Xigu had loved most — calm and peaceful, with a hint of romantic tension.

The only difference was that Lin Xigu had previously been sure that his affections were one-sided, so he had been constantly anxious about being found out. Now that he knew that She Xiao liked him back, Lin Xigu could finally savour the sweetness in every one of their little interactions, uncoloured by fear or uncertainty. He felt like a child given full possession of a candy jar, able to reach in and pull out any conceivable colour of candy whenever he liked. Each day was filled with pleasant surprises, and every second of school filled him with a lasting sweetness.

Lin Xigu’s grades improved yet again after their monthly test, and he could say with confidence that he had earned his place as one of the top 20 students in their class. Lin Xigu was very proud of his current performance, but he anticipated seeing She Xiao’s grades even more. He hoped that She Xiao would be able to hold on to his number one spot while achieving the highest mark possible, becoming ever more brilliant and radiant.

This was She Xiao at his best and greatest.

“Lin Xigu, did something good happen to you recently?”

Li Balei snatched a grape from Lin Xigu’s fruit container and popped it into her mouth. She looked Lin Xigu up and down with a knowing expression, her brow raised.

Lin Xigu grinned at her. “What do you think?”

“You’re asking me?” Lu Balei tsked. “You’re the one keeping things from me. How am I supposed to know what’s going on? All I know is that you’ve been acting weird. Has the season of love finally arrived?”

She Xiao was away on break. Lin Xigu folded up She Xiao’s assignments and placed them into his binder, then removed the old assignments from the binder, placing them into a different folder for archiving. Busying over the papers, Lin Xigu said mildly, “Just look at your grades. You’re falling behind, Ballet Grrrl. Can’t you focus on studying for once instead of whatever it is you’re currently thinking about?”

“You sound like my mom.” Li Balei glared at him. “Don’t try to pull a fast one on me. Spill it. What’s going on with you lately? You’re acting like you’re in a relationship already.”

“A relationship? Who would I even date?” Lin Xigu readied his textbooks for the next lesson. “I’d have told you already if I really were in a relationship.”

Li Balei glanced towards She Xiao’s empty desk, her eyes darting to and fro as she pointed between the desk and Lin Xigu and leaned in, whispering, “Are you two…”

“No,” Lin Xigu interrupted, shaking his head. “Not like that.”

“You don’t even know what I was about to ask,” Li Balei looked at him suspiciously.

“Doesn’t matter, the answer’s still no,” Lin Xigu smiled wryly. “Turn around, Balei-jiejie. Don’t be nosy.”

“Tch,” Li Balei clucked as she whipped around, her long braid smacking against the stack of papers on Lin Xigu’s desk. 

She Xiao returned from outside, smelling like cigarettes.

Lin Xigu stood to let him back in, reminding him quietly, “That’s your third one. You can’t smoke again for the rest of the day.”

“Mn,” She Xiao agreed and sat.

Such a simple interaction still seemed sweet to Lin Xigu. Every one of She Xiao’s looks and replies seemed to be bursting with hidden emotion.

He pushed a container of fruit toward him. “Eat this.”

She Xiao took the fork from him and began to eat quietly.

Lin Xigu lay down on the desk and watched him eat. She Xiao wasn’t any less skinny, but he was still good-looking. Anyone would be able to tell from his eyes alone that they were looking at a handsome young man.

Sensing his gaze boring into his face, She Xiao turned and looked back at him. Lin Xigu smiled, his eyes bending into wide arches.

Li Balei glanced at them, then made a face, rolling her eyes. 

Not dating, her ass. All the air in a two-metre radius around them was permeated with the choking stench of puppy love.

Li Balei knew Lin Xigu’s secret but Fang Xiaoshan did not, although he did sit in front of the pair and had also sensed that their dynamic seemed a little strange. A little… too friendly. Why was Lin Xigu so chummy with a strange guy like She Xiao?

He looked over at Li Balei questioningly. “Ignore them,” Li Balei advised. “Pretend you can’t see or hear anything. Lin Xigu likes the challenge of trying to befriend prickly types.” 

“Ah…” Fang Xiaoshan nodded. “What an interesting hobby.”

Li Balei shook her head. She was glad to see Lin Xigu happy and smiling, but he wasn’t walking the path of the straight and narrow, after all. She always reserved some worry, watching him sprint down a road less travelled and feared that his current emotions would not pave the way to a promising future. But they were still young, and didn’t need to think that far anyway.

It was enough that he was happy.

Lin Xigu was steeped in his metaphorical candy jar, stuffing himself with saccharine feelings every day. If he couldn’t handle the sight of She Xiao’s injuries before, his intolerance only grew with time. 

That morning, he saw She Xiao waiting for him at the gates of his compound with his wrist wrapped in bandages.

Lin Xigu immediately ran towards him and seized his arm. “What’s wrong? What happened to your hand?”

She Xiao shook his head. “Nothing.”

Lin Xigu’s forehead creased. “Have you put ointment on it yet? How serious is the wound?”

She Xiao shook his head yet again. “It’s shallow. No worrying.”

Lin Xigu stared at the dressings with his brow clenched and didn’t say much for the remainder of the walk.

He was furious and heartbroken.

She Xiao standing shirtless in front of him was a drawing that he had carved into his heart and carried with him everywhere he went. He felt a pang of pain every time it reappeared in his mind’s eye.

They were nearing the school when She Xiao stopped. He slowly lifted his hand and stroked the hair on the back of Lin Xigu’s head, then rubbed the crook of his neck with his thumb. In a low, gentle voice, he said, “Don’t be sad.”

Hearing him say that made Lin Xigu so upset that he felt ready to explode. He couldn’t taste anything sweet; he could only feel the bitterness of the moment.

It was true that this injury was less severe compared to the others he had seen on She Xiao’s body. It was so insignificant in comparison that it was almost nothing. But recognizing this only made Lin Xigu more upset. He hung his head and said nothing. 

She Xiao stopped, leaving his hand where it was as he continued to massage his neck. He bent down slightly so he could look up into Lin Xigu’s eyes and slowly repeated, “Don’t be sad.”

The spaces between his actions were filled with care and adoration, with softness. 

Lin Xigu’s whole heart melted.

At the same time, he thought, why can’t the man who hurt She Xiao just die already?