Chapter 39

Lin Xigu looked at She Xiao. He understood everything now.

He understood why She Xiao had suddenly turned cold towards him, why he had lost so much weight. Why She Xiao, with his gradually improving mood, had suddenly been driven back into silence.

She Xiao had kissed him at the ski resort last year. The softness of his lips had been so vivid, the feeling was unforgettable. It was real.

– He had actually kissed him.

She Xiao had initiated the hand holding every time.

– He clearly liked him back.

He understood why She Xiao had come splashing through the storm, urgently asking if he was okay as soon as he’d fallen, even though Lin Xigu could never find him after school.

Because he had been walking behind him all along, watching over him.

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Lin Xigu’s eyes reddened slowly. He stared at She Xiao, wanting to say something. His lips parted, quivering.

She Xiao bent down and studied his face, his eyebrows slightly raised. It was his way of asking him if he was okay.

Lin Xigu wiped his eyes roughly with the back of his hands.

She Xiao caught his wrist and bent closer to his face. “What’s wrong?” He asked softly.

Lin Xigu’s throat bobbed. Holding She Xiao’s gaze, he suddenly threw his arms around She Xiao’s neck.

She Xiao was startled by this sudden movement as he tried to retreat but found himself already wrapped in Lin Xigu’s arms.

Lin Xigu embraced him tightly, his arms and fingers trembling. Most people his age had one or two such crushes.

But the ill-fated boy he had fallen for made his heart grieve. 

She Xiao didn’t deserve any of this.

Lin Xigu buried his face in She Xiao’s neck, soaking his collar with his emotions.

She Xiao’s arms had been dangling at his sides but when he felt the wetness on his neck, he hesitated before encircling Lin Xigu, holding him gently against his chest. “What’s wrong?” He repeated once more.

She Xiao smelled faintly like laundry detergent.

Lin Xigu’s voice was stuffy as he breathed against his ear. “Nothing’s wrong. Do I need a reason to hug you?”

His question was so willful that She Xiao didn’t have the capacity to respond. He didn’t know what had gotten into Lin Xigu all of a sudden.  

The soft strands of Lin Xigu’s hair brushed the bottom of his chin and his neck. It tickled.

She Xiao placed his hand on the back of Lin Xigu’s head and stroked his hair gently, trying to convey comfort.

The gesture was intimate. It was impossible to resist any young man who would pull someone into a warm embrace and whisper soothing words of comfort in their ear. Although She Xiao said nothing, his actions spoke louder than words.

Lin Xigu didn’t push his luck for long; after all, they were not far from the school. He released She Xiao after a few moments and the two of them continued home together.

When they arrived, Lin Xigu pointed to the spot underneath the large tree that stood across from his gate. “You’ve been smoking there, right?”

She Xiao’s eyelashes quivered like a pair of frightened moths frantically fluttering their wings.  

Not wanting to pressure him, Lin Xigu didn’t press further. He sniffed again. Just before he walked through the gate, he declared, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying by your side and there is nothing that can scare me away.”

It was his third time telling She Xiao that he was not afraid. He hoped that She Xiao would believe him, hoped that She Xiao would understand that he would take on the world with him, no matter what happened. That he would never abandon him.

That night, Lin Xigu stayed awake for a long time before he could fall asleep. Lying in bed, he kept thinking about She Xiao’s scars, and the gentleness beneath his cold shell. He beat himself with the memory of She Xiao’s lonely figure every time She Xiao pushed him away.

His many thoughts about She Xiao spilled over into his dreams.

He was not yet an adult, but he felt ready to sign the rest of his life away. He wanted nothing else but to throw his entire life at this person.

The most wonderful person in the world.

---

For the next two days, Lin Xigu remained stuck in an abnormal state which greatly unnerved She Xiao.

He had been used to Lin Xigu treating him with caution, but now, it was as if the boy had been possessed. There were times when She Xiao was left not knowing how to deal with this new version of Lin Xigu. He was careful to maintain a certain amount of distance in their relationship, growing vigilant every time Lin Xigu tried to get close to him as if to warn him to keep his distance.

Everyone around them had noticed that the two of them were acting oddly, Lin Xigu in particular.

During evening self-study, Fang Xiaoshan nudged Li Balei with his elbow and jerked his head, hinting for her to look behind him.

Li Balei turned her head slightly.

Lin Xigu was reaching for a book on the window sill. His arm ghosted She Xiao’s neck. It seemed strangely affectionate.

She Xiao dodged his touch and gave his arm a small push.

In the past, he would have shrunk back in his seat like the leaves of a touch-me-not and apologized profusely. But now, Lin Xigu acted as though he hadn’t noticed She Xiao’s rejection at all as he pushed his hand straight back.

“Don’t push me…” Lin Xigu grumbled. “Why’s your hand so cold? Something wrong?”

She Xiao shook his head.

“Are you cold?” Lin Xigu asked quietly as he wrapped his hand around She Xiao’s to take his temperature. “It just rained today so it is a little chilly in here.”

She Xiao shook his head again.

Fang Xiaoshan caught Li Balei’s eye and mouthed, “Has he lost his mind?”

Li Balei leaned in and whispered, “Ignore him. He’s just having a moment.”

Lin Xigu no longer subsisted on bravado alone.

The more he thought about it, the more faith he had in his convictions. She Xiao had liked him for a long time. Although She Xiao was never explicit about his feelings, his actions and the way he looked at him did not lie.

This epiphany was so sweet that Lin Xigu rolled circles around his bed every night before he went to sleep. He also couldn’t resist sharing what he had discovered with his mom. Ji Qiong was extremely concerned, but she could tell that there was nothing that she could do to rein her son in.

Lin Xigu’s heart twinged as he thought back to when they had been sitting apart and how She Xiao’s eyes had seemed lonely every time he turned to look at him. His little prince had been suffering in silence.

---

It was Saturday night and they were walking home together after self-study ended that day. Lin Xigu was uncharacteristically quiet for most of the walk, seemingly lost in thought.

The following day was Sunday. Without school, they naturally had no excuse to meet. Lin Xigu dawdled outside the gates of his compound, not wanting to go home just yet.

She Xiao looked at him, his eyes calm and kind.

Lin Xigu beckoned him closer.

She Xiao obliged, lowering his head.

Lin Xigu held his breath as he pecked the corner of his lips.