Chapter 38

There was no such thing as civil rights for students on the verge of their senior year. Summer break was not on the agenda that year. Between remedial classes and tutorials, they would be lucky if they were given ten days off for the summer.

The class was sluggish as they simmered in the boiling heat. The ceiling fan overhead creaked as it spun. The students sitting under it frequently worried that the fan would fall and decapitate them in a freak accident.

Lin Xigu was the only cheerful presence in the class. His good mood was written all over his face.

“She Xiao, drink this.” Lin Xigu opened the thermos. The iced fruit tea inside was still cold.

She Xiao had been quite docile as of late, not speaking but doing almost everything Lin Xigu asked of him. He took the thermos and sipped the tea slowly. 

Lin Xigu stared at his sunken cheeks and sighed. She Xiao was already far too skinny, and he seemed to be wasting away with each passing day. He wasn’t as attractive as when they had first met anymore. 

The best that could be said was that he was skinny but not weak, and he was still a formidable opponent in a fight. He had been pulled into a fight with someone a few days ago and the fast punches he’d thrown had thoroughly shocked Lin Xigu. Lin Xigu’s opinion had subsequently evolved as well. He used to disapprove of She Xiao fighting with the philosophy that he shouldn’t fight anyone no matter the circumstances. Now, his initial reaction to seeing She Xiao in a fistfight was one of relief. Ah, he would think. Everything’s still okay. She Xiao still has plenty of strength in him, which means his body is still functioning as it should. Although he was skinny, he was still mostly healthy.

Lin Xigu found this change in his mindset fascinating. He didn’t know if he would someday become as equally aggressive from all the time he was spending with She Xiao, with the ability to mercilessly beat someone into a pulp.

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The notepad he had been using to track his scores was seeing more activity again. Lin Xigu repeatedly fiddled with it as soon as he got to his desk every morning, highly motivated to find any excuse to add points but not having the heart to deduct points in turn. At most, he would dock 10 points if he noticed that She Xiao had lost even more weight.

He never docked more than 10 points at a time. He didn’t want to.

---

“She Xiao, swing by my office after class,” Zhou Cheng said before he packed up at the end of the lesson.

Lin Xigu was bewildered by this sudden mention of She Xiao’s name.

“What happened?” Lin Xigu turned to ask She Xiao. “Did you do something?”

What he really wanted to ask was, “Did you get into another fight?”

She Xiao shook his head.

Lin Xigu was conditioned to suspect the worst from all the previous times Zhou Cheng had summoned She Xiao to his office. As She Xiao made his way there, Lin Xigu trailed anxiously behind him like a little tail.

They passed by Class 5 on the way and its usual gang of troublemakers. Zhang Feng wolf-whistled at Lin Xigu. “Where are you going, wifey?”

He had been especially c*cky lately, calling Lin Xigu “wifey” every chance he had like a total idiot. Delinquents like Zhang Feng found it easy to make throwaway comments like that. Lin Xigu didn’t deign to respond and pretended like he hadn’t heard.

His onlooking friends jeered suggestively, “Yoooo.”

She Xiao slowed down and swivelled to look at Zhang Feng. Lin Xigu gave him a little push as if to remind him to ignore them and keep walking. They were only making tasteless jokes, after all.

She Xiao turned his eyes on him instead.

His expression was neutral and there was no anger in his eyes, but Lin Xigu suddenly felt extremely guilty for some reason. By all logic, he had done nothing wrong… Zhang Feng was just being stupid. And he had no reason to feel guilty when it came to She Xiao…. However, under She Xiao’s watchful gaze, he still wanted to defend himself and say, “I didn’t do anything. It wasn’t me.”

She Xiao kept walking. Lin Xigu lowered his voice as he walked by Zhang Feng, “Would it kill you to keep your mouth shut for all of two seconds?”

Zhang Feng raised an eyebrow and winked at him.

Lin Xigu didn’t pay him any attention as he hurried to catch up with She Xiao.

Zhou Cheng didn’t have anything in particular to discuss with She Xiao. It was a normal check-in to see how he was doing and if he was under any kind of stress. The office door was left open during their conversation; Lin Xigu eavesdropped standing just outside the door.

He actually felt kind of sorry for Zhou Cheng. From start to finish, he only heard She Xiao utter a few words; Zhou Cheng was asking the questions for most of the conversation. Zhou Cheng turned out to be quite responsible as a homeroom teacher. Otherwise, who else would bother checking in with a student who spoke as little as She Xiao did?

Class had already started as they made their way back to their classroom and they were the only two people in the hallway. Lin Xigu was walking close to She Xiao when the back of his hand accidentally grazed She Xiao’s hand.

Lin Xigu jolted at the sudden contact.

“She Xiao…” Lin Xigu started quietly.

She Xiao looked at him.

“Zhang Feng was just running his mouth.” Lin Xigu felt uneasy as he pulled on his ear nervously.  “I know you don’t care but I just wanted to make sure you knew that.”

She Xiao was still watching him.

“I… I only like…” – he coughed – “I’m not friends with him or anything.” They were steps away from the classroom. Lin Xigu slowed down and grabbed She Xiao’s arm. Lowering his voice, he concluded, “If you don’t like him, I won’t talk to him anymore.”

She Xiao didn’t say anything in response. He turned his arm over and squeezed Lin Xigu’s wrist lightly before walking into the classroom.

That one wordless action snagged on Lin Xigu’s heart. He couldn’t figure out what She Xiao was thinking and didn’t know what it meant. But regardless, it had been enough to make him blush. 

For the rest of the day, Lin Xigu savoured the feeling of She Xiao’s fingers gliding across his wrist. He must have touched his artery because his pulse was racing. He secretly pressed on the same spot, feeling as though it was burning with heat although his skin felt normal to the touch.

Li Balei tried to strike up a conversation with Lin Xigu before school ended. She noticed Lin Xigu doodling a smiley face on the his copy of the assignment list before he tore the page out of his notebook and placed it on She Xiao’s desk, neatly folded. She rolled her eyes. “Lin Xigu, it’s enough that you’re copying everything down for him; I can’t believe you’re trying to be Picasso too.”

Lin Xigu laughed as he forced her to look away.

---

He was walking home with She Xiao as usual. The sky was completely dark. Lin Xigu liked the way the street looked on their homeward route.

As they turned the corner, She Xiao suddenly stopped in his tracks. “What’s wrong?” Lin Xigu asked.

He followed the direction of She Xiao’s gaze and was surprised to see the woman standing in front of them.

It was She Xiao’s mother. She was standing quietly in an ankle-length dress, her hair down and spilling across her shoulders. She was beautiful.

“Ayi,” Lin Xigu called politely.

She looked slightly shocked to see She Xiao walking with someone else and she nodded at him, smiling before turning her gaze back on her son. She walked up to him and fixed his collar.

Lin Xigu heard She Xiao ask, “Why are you here?”

She Xiao’s mom never once took her eyes off her child’s face. “I wanted to see you,” she answered softly.

She looked ragged. Her face showed signs of weariness, although she was still the image of grace and beauty. She Xiao looked exactly like her.

Tiny moths fluttered frantically under the streetlights, occasionally colliding with their bodies before flying away again. Lin Xigu stood off to the side quietly to give them some privacy.

“Is he still living there?” Her voice was gentle and soothing to the ear. Lin Xigu didn’t know why but the sound of it made his heart sad. “Has he been beating you?”

She Xiao shook his head slightly. “No.”

“Impossible.” She laughed humourlessly and lifted a hand, cupping She Xiao’s starved chin. “Do you hate me?”

She Xiao’s face was unreadable, calm. “No,” he said again.

Lin Xigu didn’t hear them speak all that much that night. They simply stood across from each other, neither one speaking. She Xiao’s mother looked as though there was a lot that she wanted to say but didn’t know where to start, or how to give words to what was on her mind.

As she was about to leave, She Xiao stepped forward and embraced his mother. He looked into her eyes and said slowly, “Don’t come back. Don’t let him… find you.”

Lin Xigu was stunned. He had never seen She Xiao so close to another person before. He had never expected that he would hug his mother so openly and without hesitation, his whole person suddenly tender and loving in his eyes.

His mother’s eyes welled with tears as she patted him on the shoulder.

She Xiao looked her dead in the eyes and repeated once more, “Don’t come back. No worrying. I’m fine.”

She Xiao always said “no worrying” instead of “don’t worry”. His speech was imperfect and he sometimes struggled with articulating his thoughts. Lin Xigu liked listening to him speak, though. He usually found everything he said faultless and endearing, even when he wasn’t grammatically correct.

But in that moment, the sound of his words only made Lin Xigu deeply upset.

It was no wonder he had lost so much weight. Lin Xigu couldn’t help but remember the monstrous layers of scars on She Xiao’s body.

She Xiao patted his mom on the back. His movements were very light and very gentle.

The person standing before him was no longer a boy, but a brave and gentle man.

Lin Xigu closed his eyes — he suddenly understood everything.