There was no chance of his transfer being approved, but Lin Xigu knew his dad would not let that get in his way. He had found a school for Lin Xigu to attend as a non-resident student1寄读生 (ji/du/sheng) – A student who is administratively a student of school A but attends classes and participates in day-to-day instructional activities at school B due to exceptional circumstances. Though he would still be taking the Gaokao exam at the school where he was currently enrolled, he would be attending classes at a different school.
Lin Xigu had lost the energy to even shake his head. He sat curled up on the sofa, with his face buried in his knees, mumbling weakly, “Dad, as your only son… have mercy on me…”
Hearing that made his dad chuckle. He took a seat next to Lin Xigu and shot a quick glance at Ji Qiong in the kitchen before turning back to his son and saying quietly, “Your dad was young once too, believe it or not, and I was just as adamant about what I wanted, just as you are feeling right now. It will all pass in time.”
Lin Xigu fell back in a heap. “It will only pass if he’s okay, but for him, Dad… for him, every day is a living hell. I can’t just let it pass.”
His dad ruffled his hair and said, “I hope you won’t hate me for doing this or hold it against your mom. The people who care about you all want what’s best for you, your little friend included.”
At the mention of his “little friend”, sharp pangs of pain began to throb in Lin Xigu’s chest.
His little friend was about to push him away again.
“Will you and Mom be disappointed if I don’t do what you ask?” Lin Xigu asked.
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“Rv’p dsv y xyvvla sq wp clkdt ekpyrrskdvle,” Tkp eye ydpolale, “Mbl vbkdt kp, usw’zz qkde kv byae vs tlv rypv xl yde xu pvwccsaddlpp lhld kq usw ekpsclu, ps uswa lqqsavp yal qwvkzl. Zswa xsx osd’v ts bsxl wdvkz pbl qllzp pyql ldswtb vs zlyhl uswa pkel, yde pbl okzz sdzu zlyhl kq usw ytall vs clbyhl uswaplzq. R rlapsdyzzu esd’v vbkdj kv’p tsse qsa bla vs pvyu blal kdelqkdkvlzu. Ebyv es usw vbkdj?”
Nkd Dktw dseele. “R ytall. R oydv bla vs ts cynj vs bla dsaxyz zkql. R oydv vbl pyxl qsa usw vss. R’zz cl qkdl kq usw zlyhl xl blal.”
“Mbyv’p nsxrzlvlzu swv sq vbl iwlpvksd.” Tkp eye vssj swv bkp rbsdl yde pdyrrle y rbsvs sq Nkd Dktw, vbld pbsole bkx vbl rbsvs. “Nssj yv uswa qynl aktbv dso. Zsw zssj zkjl y cycu nbknj zlqv swv kd vbl aykd.”
Nkd Dktw tzydnle yv kv. Tl bye ayalzu zssjle ps elprsdeldv kd vbl pbsav ulyap bl bye clld yzkhl. Tl vssj bkp eye’p rbsdl yde qsaoyaele vbl rbsvs vs bkxplzq, vbld pldv kv aktbv yoyu vs Fbl Dkys okvb vbl nyrvksd:
Fbl Dkys, pll vbkp? Mbkp kp obyv R zssj zkjl obldlhla R kxytkdl obyv kv’p zkjl vs cl plryayvle qasx usw.
Gde vbld bl bye ydsvbla kely. Tl oldv cynj vs bkp assx, ealo y qasodu qynl, yde pdyrrle y rbsvs sq vbyv yzps vs plde vs Fbl Dkys.
Tl eked’v lmrlnv Fbl Dkys vs alrzu, cwv yqvla y obkzl, bkp rbsdl cwggle.
Nkd Dktw wdzsnjle bkp pnalld. Fbl Dkys bye sdzu pldv vos osaep.
Good boy.2 乖 is one of those words that can have a variety of meanings depending on context. I chose the interpretation that best sets up LXG’s reply grammatically but wanted to note that She Xiao could either be saying, “That’s my boy” / “Good boy” or he could be saying “be good”. Either way, the word has a very doting tone.
Ahhhhhh, good boy good boy good boy good boy!
Lin Xigu felt pained and delighted at the same time; it was a sweet pain. She Xiao had never said anything like that to him before, and the image of his gentle and indulgent expression effortlessly appeared in Lin Xigu’s mind.
Lin Xigu replied again:
How do you expect me to be good if you’re throwing me away? QAQ
It was only after meeting She Xiao that Lin Xigu discovered that he was capable of acting cute. He often doodled little cartoons for She Xiao, and had even learned how to use kaomoji when texting. The Lin Xigu of the past would have never considered it; he would have cringed at the thought.
But he no longer cared about that. Texting She Xiao such things made him happy.
His last message was left unanswered.
Lin Xigu set his phone down and went into the kitchen to find his mom. He picked up a slice of freshly cut tomato and popped it in his mouth, then sighed deeply and said, “Mom, can you please just indulge me one last time…”
His mom looked over at him and stuffed another piece of tomato into his mouth, “I’m afraid not. I worry that if I indulge you this time, I’ll end up regretting it for the rest of my life.”
“That won’t happen,” Lin Xigu shook his head. “He only has the guts to hit She Xiao; he wouldn’t hurt me.”
His mom shook her head firmly at him.
Lin Xigu returned to his room and curled up on his bed. He picked up his phone and opened the conversation with She Xiao. He huddled there, reading through each previous message, reading between the lines for the secrets hidden in She Xiao’s words, for any hint of the fierce feelings that he kept suppressed.
She Xiao’s complexion grew increasingly worse, his eyes perpetually bloodshot. Lin Xigu suspected that he might be staying up every night without sleeping.
“She Xiao, let’s swap jackets,” Lin Xigu suggested.
She Xiao didn’t say a word, but immediately took off his jacket and handed it to him. Lin Xigu also removed his own jacket. They hadn’t swapped clothes in a long time. Wearing She Xiao’s clothes, Lin Xigu felt wrapped up in She Xiao’s presence. He instantly felt his energy returning.
She Xiao was starting to lose weight again.
Lin Xigu couldn’t imagine what She Xiao was going through. He wanted to ask She Xiao if he could still keep this up. What if he couldn’t anymore? Did that mean he should call his mom back to share the burden?
There was no solution.
That day, Lin Xigu collected all the notebooks he usually kept in his desk and on the windowsill and put them in his backpack.
It had been a long time since he had written in the small notepad where he had been tabulating points.
At the start of their relationship, he had still remembered to add points every day. Then he had felt that every minute of every day deserved a point, so he would add a few hundred points on occasion whenever he remembered to do so. Eventually, he stopped adding points altogether. She Xiao was entirely his, and he was so wonderful that even a million points wouldn’t be enough to convey how good he really was.
Lin Xigu put the notepad in his backpack as well.
He didn’t take the rest of his textbooks. That day, he pointed to his seat and said to She Xiao, “I still sit here. Not a single book should be thrown out. Any homework we get, I want a copy kept for me.”
She Xiao blinked but didn’t look at him.
“I’m talking to you, She Xiao,” Lin Xigu nudged his arm. “You pushed me away, and now I can’t fight what’s happening. I have to go, but even when I’m gone, I’ll still be here. Do you get what I’m saying?”
Li Balei and Fang Xiaoshan both turned sharply to look at him, Li Balei’s already large eyes were now as wide as saucers.
Seeing her turn around, Lin Xigu addressed her next, “Ballet Grrrl, please leave anything meant for me on my desk. If I get passed over, make sure I get a copy too. I’m still a tuition-paying student.”
The rims of Li Balei’s eyes reddened immediately.
Staring at Lin Xigu, her mouth thinned into a line. Lin Xigu whispered to her, “And if anyone writes She Xiao a love letter, you have to tell me right away.”
Li Balei blinked, and the tears fell.
Lin Xigu knew that Fang Xiaoshan had known about him and She Xiao for a long time. He had never told Fang Xiaoshan explicitly, nor had Li Balei, but there was no way he could be oblivious after having sat in front of them for so long. Lin Xigu had never tried to hide it from him either.
“Will you come back, Xigu?” Fang Xiaoshan asked.
Lin Xigu nodded. “I’ll be back.”
That day after school, Lin Xigu walked home with She Xiao. When they reached the entrance of his compound, Lin Xigu grabbed She Xiao’s jacket, making him lower his head. Lin Xigu kissed him hard, biting down until he drew blood.
“I’m actually very mad at you right now. I feel very, very angry,” he sniffed, saying to She Xiao, “You were out of line. You didn’t respect my feelings. But I won’t dwell on that. I have only one request: try to keep yourself safe. If he hits you, you have to defend yourself. You have to wait for me. You can’t give up.”
A blood droplet had formed on She Xiao’s lip.
Lin Xigu stared at it, then leaned in and licked it away. Staring into She Xiao’s eyes, he said, “I won’t be apart from you for even a single day. If you shut me out again, I’ll find my own way to hell.”
She Xiao lowered his head and kissed him gently again and again. His blood smeared against Lin Xigu’s lips and they both swallowed it.
Lin Xigu couldn’t keep pretending anymore. His eyes reddened at last.
“I’ve already started to hate this world we live in…” He loosened his grip on She Xiao’s jacket and rubbed She Xiao’s arm comfortingly, trying to convey his yearning and how much he cherished him. “I’m starting to despise fate…”
Lin Xigu looked so pitiful that She Xiao folded him into his arms and kissed his ear wordlessly, his lips brushing over the sensitive patch of skin just behind his ear. Resting his hand on the back of Lin Xigu’s neck, he massaged it lightly.
After everything was said and done, Lin Xigu finally left.
He didn’t return the next day. Li Balei arrived with her eyes puffy and swollen. When she got to her desk and saw She Xiao sitting by himself without Lin Xigu, she couldn’t keep the tears from spilling over again.
Fang Xiaoshan slipped her some tissues. Li Balei accepted the offering and blew her nose.
Lin Xigu sent Li Balei a text later that morning.
Ballet Grrl, you’re the kindest and prettiest of them all. Help me out. If he misses a handout, remember to ask for a copy, and please shut the window when he’s napping. Ten thousand thank you’s from me to you.
Although Li Balei had already calmed down, the floodgates reopened after she read the text. Girls had big hearts and farewells were difficult to accept. Sniffling, she texted him back:
Understood. Leave it to me.
Lin Xigu wired ¥20,000 to Zhang Feng’s bank account next.
He sent Zhang Feng a text too:
Yo, help She Xiao out if you see him taking hits in a fight.
Zhang Feng:
??
Lin Xigu:
Thanks.
Zhang Feng replied after a while:
I’ll see what I can do. I don’t want your money though. I’ll send it back. Were you two really caught dating? You two are actually dating?
Lin Xigu didn’t reply after that.
He returned to the city where he used to live, but not to his previous school. He lived with his dad, not in their old home, but in an apartment his dad had acquired on short notice near his new school. The first night he moved back, he lay on his bed after showering, staring blankly at the ceiling for half an hour. Then, he picked up his phone and sent a message to She Xiao
We weren’t separated today. =3=3今天没有分开. Can also be “We didn’t part ways today” or “We didn’t break up today”.
She Xiao didn’t reply.
Lin Xigu found himself in a completely new environment, where everyone was a stranger. He didn’t know a single person, and didn’t have a single book in his backpack when he started at his new school.
Every night, he would send She Xiao a text:
We weren’t separated today.
But She Xiao never replied even once.
He had single-sidedly cut off all contact with Lin Xigu, but Lin Xigu’s texts never stopped.
It was noon break and Lin Xigu was napping on his desk. His desk was next to the wall on one side, with no one assigned to the desk beside him.
He dozed off for just ten minutes.
He woke up desperately missing She Xiao.
Lin Xigu lay on the desk with his face buried in his arms. The inside of his cheeks were covered in ulcers and he didn’t feel like eating anything. As his stomach started to ache, Lin Xigu rubbed his forehead against his arms in discomfort.
He had requested the largest size for his new school uniform so that he could wear She Xiao’s uniform underneath. He gently sniffed the collar, but he couldn’t smell She Xiao’s scent anymore after it had been washed.
Lin Xigu’s eyes itched. He rubbed them hard on his arms, but they were still itchy.
He sighed and sat up, taking out his notepad from his backpack. He was going to deduct some points.
Just a few.
He flipped to the first page. Back then, he had only cared about appearances. He had immediately come up with a score of 120 because She Xiao had looked that good.
Above the number, he had written:
— Extremely good-looking.
Later, because She Xiao smoked and didn’t talk much, the deductions began to mount and the numbers dipped.
Lin Xigu flipped through the pages one by one. The small notepad was mostly filled. He was weirdly thankful for his own immaturity because following the thread from start to finish brought back many memories of their time together.
As he flipped to the last page, he suddenly froze. His hand trembled as he ran his fingers over the smooth surface of the paper.
Across the page was a jagged blue line.
All the text on that page had been crossed out.
Below that were a few words written in handwriting that looked all too familiar. He could recall the writer’s perfect face just by seeing those words. In an instant, Lin Xigu’s emotions reached their breaking point —
— 0.
— Memory erased.
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