The words on the page shot through Lin Xigu’s nerves like a sharp knife. He collapsed onto his desk and started to cry. He cried with abandon, the cries escaping in big, heaving sobs. Luckily, there was no one else in the classroom. Those words were a catalyst by which he released all the emotions he had been keeping inside.
He couldn’t take it anymore.
Gasping for breath, he reached into his pocket for his phone, and started typing frantically, his thumbs drumming spastically against the screen. Tears splattered onto the screen which he wiped away with his fingers.
He asked She Xiao:
Who gave you the right to scratch out my notes?
He cried out of despair. He wanted to know where the exit was. He could handle not seeing She Xiao; being separated temporarily was nothing. But where was the way out for She Xiao?
Love made people selfish, but it also made them great.
Lin Xigu didn’t care anymore whether he could be together with She Xiao. He even thought that he could stay away from She Xiao for as long as was needed if it meant that She Xiao could escape from that place, if She Xiao could find a way out.
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Fbl Dkys bye dsoblal vs ts.
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Rd vbl pkxrzl lmrydpl sq bkp xkde, vblal oyp dsvbkdt clpkelp Fbl Dkys.
Tl cltyd vs zspl pzllr lhlau dktbv.
Every time he closed his eyes, he saw She Xiao as a child with his tongue cut and his face covered in blood. He didn’t know why his mind always turned in that direction. The visual was haunting. He could even hear a child screaming hoarsely beside his ear.
Lin Xigu wanted to give that child a big hug, to wipe the blood from his face, to hide him in his arms and carry him away and tell him that everything was going to be okay.
He still sent She Xiao the same text every day:
We weren’t separated today.
It was while he was staring at the lines in his book that he realized something was wrong. His mind was completely blank and he didn’t recognize a single word. That shouldn’t be happening.
He was in a downward spiral.
He was going to have a bigger problem on his hands soon.
When he got home from school, he collapsed on the couch and said to his dad, “Pops, what am I going to do? You’ve gotta help me.”
“What’s wrong?” His dad asked.
“You have to let me go back,” Lin Xigu said. “I think there’s something wrong with me.”
“There’s going to be something wrong with me if you keep pestering me,” his dad patted his head. “There’s a lot more to life than dating. Try to set your thoughts aside for now and get through the exam prep first.”
“I can’t set them aside,” Lin Xigu said, looking at him in all seriousness. “Ba, just let me go back. I feel like I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown.”
His dad regarded him for a moment with raised brows, then pulled Lin Xigu in for a hug, thumping him a few times on the back as he did so. “Let me give you a hug, man-to-man. Face what’s happening like a man. This is only a very short chapter of your life. After you get through this, you’ll have decades more ahead of you. Let’s not tie ourselves in knots worrying about this one thing anymore, all right, son?”
Lin Xigu didn’t say anything else. He returned to his room and turned on all the lights. He tried to keep his eyes open, trying not to think about She Xiao.
He was too afraid to turn off the lights even to sleep.
At 1:30AM, he sent She Xiao a text.
She Xiao, I miss you like crazy. What am I going to do.
The text went ignored like all the others.
Lin Xigu placed his phone under his pillow and took a few deep breaths, trying not to think about She Xiao as he closed his eyes.
Perhaps it was because he was too tired. This time, he drifted off quickly.
But before he could sink completely into sleep, the thought of She Xiao with his tongue cut flashed across his mind again. Lin Xigu sat up with a start, his heart beating violently in his chest.
He was done for.
Lin Xigu sat in bed blankly. It felt like he had hit rock bottom.
The next day at noon, he went to the pharmacy and bought two boxes of sleep tonic.
He sent a text to Li Balei:
Ballet Grrrl, how’s he doing?
Li Balei replied instantly.
Not bad. He’s never late and he hasn’t been leaving early either.
Lin Xigu asked:
And my homework?
Li Balei replied:
I’ve been saving copies for you, but not him. I always try to leave a copy on your desk, but he doesn’t do it if I forget.
Lin Xigu felt like someone had stabbed him in the chest.
Li Balei’s next text continued:
He sleeps all day, so I haven’t allowed anyone to open the window.1A common belief in China is that you will catch a cold if you sleep with the window open or the fan on. Once, I thought he looked cold so I tried to cover him up with Shanzi’s jacket. He shot straight up and glared at me. Gave me a real scare. I won’t be trying that again.
Lin Xigu replied:
Thank you, you’ve done your best. And don’t worry about the jacket next time, just let him sleep.
Li Balei said:
Okay, don’t you worry… I’m doing everything I can.
Lin Xigu smiled.
There are no words that can match the depths of my gratitude, old pal o’ mine.
Li Balei:
My pleasure, old pal o’ mine.
Lin Xigu pocketed his phone. He remembered how She Xiao looked whenever he was startled awake. Seeing She Xiao like that always made Lin Xigu want to cuddle him and reassure him that everything was fine, that there was nothing to be afraid of.
Was She Xiao’s anxiety getting worse again?
Because Lin Xigu wasn’t sitting next to him anymore?
That night, Lin Xigu drank the sleep tonic he had bought earlier, and managed to sleep relatively soundly.
It was a cruel winter that year and bitterly cold.
Though each day dragged on, time still flew by. Christmas was rapidly approaching. Lin Xigu only noticed when he saw his classmates exchanging apples. It was going to be Christmas soon.
Last Christmas, She Xiao had kissed him at the ski resort.
She Xiao’s lips had been soft. There was a time when Lin Xigu couldn’t be sure whether it had really happened. Lin Xigu rubbed his hands which were frozen stiff from cleaning duty, and wondered, did you already like me back then?
You must have liked me for a long time too.
Lin Xigu returned to the classroom and took out a small notebook. Within seconds, he had drawn a little figure. The little guy was unbelievably cute. He smiled as he scribbled beside it:
— Do you want to kiss me? She Xiao-gege.
He took a photo and texted it to She Xiao.
After sending it, he immediately texted Li Balei,
Ballet Grrrl! Keep an eye on She Xiao for the next few minutes!
Li Ballei instantly replied:
Will do!
Two minutes later, Li Balei sent another message:
I heard his phone vibrate! He’s been staring at his phone the whole time and still hasn’t looked up!
Lin Xigu couldn’t help but laugh out loud.
Thank you, you’re an angel! Sorry to disturb your studying, appreciate it!
Li Balei replied
👍 Let me know anytime you need me. Tbh, Lin Xigu, I’m happy just hearing from you, no matter the reason.
Lin Xigu sent her a hug emoji.
Then he sent a kaomoji to She Xiao:
=3=
She Xiao didn’t reply, but it didn’t matter. Lin Xigu knew that he had seen it, and knowing that he had stared at his phone for two minutes straight was enough.
She Xiao never played with his phone during class.
What else would have made him look at his phone for so long without lifting his head?
Lin Xigu took a deep breath, feeling as though his internal battery had been given a much-needed boost.
Christmas Day came on a Friday. That day, the school felt more festive than usual. The apple stand in front of the school had set out several booths, with apples selling for ¥10 apiece. Lin Xigu weaved through the crowd, thinking that the lively atmosphere made him seem especially lonely.
He received many texts wishing him a merry Christmas.
Lin Xigu replied to each one, and then texted Li Balei:
Hey, angel, buy She Xiao an apple please.
Li Balei replied speedily:
I did, I did! I picked the biggest one! And would you believe it, he actually said ‘thank you’! OMG I’m dead.
Lin Xigu:
Haha, thank you!
His current homeroom teacher was a serious middle-aged woman who was extremely strict and never smiled. She confiscated all the gift-wrapped apples in the class and distributed them among the teachers in the break room.
Then she scolded everyone in the class, accusing them of goofing off, critical that their hearts were not in the right place.
Lin Xigu was huddled in a corner, playing with his phone. He automatically tuned out everything the teacher was saying.
He had just received a text from Li Balei:
Xiao-Xigu…
Lin Xigu:
?
Li Balei’s next text made Lin Xigu’s heart pinch and leap all at once.
She Xiao just put the apple I gave him on your desk. He was making sure it was perfectly centered and even adjusted the bow I put on it. What do I do, Xiao-Xigu… I think he looks quite sad all of a sudden… honestly, I think this is the first time I ever thought that maybe… um, you might still have a special place in his heart?
Lin Xigu savoured the message briefly before his heart began to throb painfully.
How could She Xiao not have him in his heart?
There had always been room for him.
A fleeting thought flashed across Lin Xigu’s mind, and he seized upon the idea as he started to craft a mental plan. He couldn’t sit still in his seat anymore. He was overcome with excitement.
His current school was even stricter than his last. While Lin Xigu’s old school had at least given students one day off each week on Sundays, the students of his new school didn’t have the same luxury. Their only reprieve was that classes ended at three in the afternoon on Sundays, and there was no evening self-study. Instead, they were given a two-day weekend at the end of each month.
But that month, even the month-end weekend was cancelled; it was going to be combined with the New Year’s2This is the Greogorian new year, i.e. Jan 1st. holiday instead.
It was much too strict.
As soon as the school bell rang at 9:20PM that night, Lin Xigu grabbed his backpack and ran.
He dashed out of the school at breakneck speed and flagged down a cab.
The cabbie asked him, “Where to?”
Lin Xigu gave him the address, panting.
“Where?” The cabbie stared at him through the rearview mirror.
Lin Xigu repeated himself.
“That’s long-distance, that is.”
Lin Xigu nodded. “That’s right, and I need to go right now. Run the meter or quote me a flat rate, it’s up to you.”
The cabbie thought for a moment. “¥600.”
Lin Xigu pointed straight ahead. “No problem, let’s go!”
Lin Xigu called his dad next. As soon as his dad answered, Lin Xigu blurted, “Pops, I’ve decided I’m going to be a rebellious teenager tonight! I’m not going home tonight! Get some rest! I promise I’ll be safe! I’ll see you tomorrow!”
And without waiting for a response from his dad, he hung up and powered off his phone.
He still had class the next day and homework to write.
Lin Xigu shoved these superfluous concerns aside.
The only thing he could focus on was the fact that She Xiao had placed the apple on his desk and fiddled with the bow.
She Xiao was thinking about him!
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