Frostbite

Chapter 57

Lin Xigu knew he had been extremely reckless. Without much forethought, he had hailed a cab in the middle of a blizzard for a three-hour ride back to the place he had never stopped dreaming about, to see the person he had never stopped dreaming about.

With every passing kilometre, his heart climbed a little higher into his throat. 

As they pulled off the highway, Lin Xigu suddenly opened the passenger window. The cold wind rushed into the car; the snow caked his face.

The cabbie shouted, “Close it, close it! Have you lost your mind, young man? My legs are freezing even with the heat on, and you still want the window open?! Hurry up and shut it!”

Lin Xigu laughed. “Sorry, I was too excited. I’ll settle down.”

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The ride mostly passed in silence. Lin Xigu’s mind was preoccupied with impatient thoughts while the driver fretted that his passenger might give him the slip without paying.

Once they had breached the city perimeter, all the cabbie had to do was follow Lin Xigu’s directions to the drop-off point. Lin Xigu had paid him in full when they exited the highway, so the cabbie at last felt relaxed enough for smalltalk.

“What’d you come here for, kid?” He looked at Lin Xigu through the rearview mirror.

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Nkd Dktw vbswtbv qsa y xsxldv. “R’x tskdt bsxl.”

“Mbkp zyvl yv dktbv? Zswa qszjp jdso vs lmrlnv usw?”

“R esd’v jdso,” Nkd Dktw pxkzle. “R fwpv qlzv bsxlpknj yzz sq y pweeld.”

“Gul, jkep vblpl eyup,” vbl ytkdt eakhla pbssj bkp blye. “R’x vlzzkdt usw, usw xwpvd’v es vbkp ytykd. Zsw’al pvkzz y xkdsa. Zsw byhl ds kely obyv jkde sq vaswczl usw xktbv awd kdvs. Ebyv oswze usw byhl esdl kq uswa eakhla wrrle vbl raknl vs ¥1000 byzqoyu vbaswtb yde vbalyvldle vs zlyhl usw sd vbl pkel sq vbl asye kq usw eked’v ryu wr?”

“Xjyu, wdelapvsse,” Nkd Dktw pyke.

Mblal oypd’v y pkdtzl nya sd vbl asye vbkp zyvl yv dktbv, yde sdzu vbl vayqqkn zktbvp olal qzypbkdt yv lynb kdvlaplnvksd. Mbl nkvu oyp pbaswele kd eyajdlpp. Mbl dktbvvkxl pnldlau oypd’v wdqyxkzkya vs Nkd Dktw; vblal olal nswdvzlpp vkxlp obld bl bye oykvle swvpkel Fbl Dkys’p cwkzekdt wdvkz vbl oll bswap sq vbl xsadkdt.

Nkd Dktw vwadle sd bkp rbsdl, yde vos vlmvp qasx bkp eye rsrrle wr.

The second text read:

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Reading the texts, Lin Xigu could almost picture the way his dad would glare at him, exasperated but unable to do anything about his behaviour. His dad would never actually hit him.

He reassured his dad in his reply:

“Straight ahead? Or turn here?” the cabbie asked.

Lin Xigu looked up, “Turn here, turn here! We’re only 500 metres away!”

He had arrived at She Xiao’s compound.

Lin Xigu thanked the driver as he exited the vehicle. “Thank you, Shushu. Drive carefully on your way back. Watch out for ice!”

“Aye, well, I don’t know if the roadways are still open. Weren’t they closing off the highway when we passed? Forget it. Don’t you worry about me and hurry home. It’s late.”

Lin Xigu grabbed his backpack and ran. He never knew he could run so fast. He stopped when he reached She Xiao’s building. The lights were off in She Xiao’s room.

He dialled She Xiao’s phone, with no real expectation that he would answer, but his phone was on, at least.

Lin Xigu texted him:

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After sending the text, Lin Xigu looked up at She Xiao’s window again, hoping that he had seen it. He didn’t know whether it was the cold or his nerves that made him shiver in the gusting snow.

He pressed one hand over his ear. It was frozen stiff. He hadn’t chosen a jacket with a hood when he left the house that morning.

If She Xiao didn’t see or respond, Lin Xigu planned to just wait there overnight. After all, She Xiao would have to go to school in the morning.

But then the lobby lit up through the glass doors of the building.

Lin Xigu’s mind raced. The light! The light meant that someone was coming out of the elevator!

It was the first time he realized how long three seconds could be.

And by the time he saw She Xiao appear on the other side of the door, he couldn’t be sure if the boy was real.

She Xiao opened the door, his face a mixture of shock and disbelief. As expected, there was a hint of anger in his expression too. Lin Xigu wanted to laugh all of a sudden. He seemed to recall that She Xiao had given him the same angry look every time he had shown up unannounced. 

He didn’t laugh. Instead, he stared at She Xiao, his eyes glazing over with affection and longing. All words felt trite. She Xiao was standing right in front of him, but he couldn’t find the words to express how he felt.

She Xiao was shivering too. Lin Xigu’s heart ached as he noticed how thin She Xiao had become, thinner than he had ever seen him before.

His eyes reddening, Lin Xigu gave She Xiao a small smile, then suddenly reached out and grabbed She Xiao’s hand. He didn’t say anything. He just started running, pulling She Xiao along with him.

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Snowflakes stuck to their eyelashes, their vision speckled, their surroundings hazing in and out of focus like the special effects of some sentimental movie. There was something romantic about the mottled scene that felt like hope blooming from despair.1绝处逢生. To be rescued unexpectedly from a desperate situation. To come back from death’s door. Lin Xigu held She Xiao’s hand tightly, sprinting back to the house where he used to live without stopping for breath.

The elevator was already stopped on the first floor. He pulled She Xiao in after him.

She Xiao’s eyes locked onto Lin Xigu’s face. He finally spoke, frowning, “Why… are you here?”

Lin Xigu leaned against She Xiao and looked up at him, wanting nothing more than to be swallowed up by his gaze. “I missed you. I wanted you to kiss me.”

Distance had cured Lin Xigu of his embarrassment. 

He could now say baldly, without blushing, “If I had to wait any longer for you to kiss me… I would have gone mad.”

His voice broke before he finished his sentence.

The elevator door opened and Lin Xigu rushed to unlock his door. As soon as the door closed behind them, he threw his arms around She Xiao’s neck, frantically kissing his mouth and nipping at his tongue.

Lin Xigu had always been the gentler kisser of the two, letting She Xiao take the lead as he shyly accepted his advances. This time, it felt like Lin Xigu was trying to muster all the strength in his body as he pressed She Xiao against the door, trying to capture She Xiao’s tongue with his.

She Xiao closed his eyes and tightened his arms around Lin Xigu. He held him close, like he was trying to merge him into his chest. Like he wanted to breathe him into his heart and lungs, surround him with all the softness he had to offer, protect him with his hardened ribcage to defend him from the world outside.

But he couldn’t.

His bones were not unbreakable. If he shattered, Lin Xigu would be the first to get hurt.

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He held Lin Xigu’s tongue between his lips. It was so soft that he didn’t want to be too rough.

Lin Xigu’s tears started overflowing mid-kiss. He felt sad, and wronged. He broke the kiss and took a step back, lowering his head, his voice stuffy. “She Xiao… why haven’t you been replying to my texts…?”

He looked utterly miserable.

She Xiao’s heart melted. He stretched out his hand and cupped Lin Xigu’s face, wiping away his tears, then leaned in and kissed his eyelids.

“You don’t text… you don’t call… don’t you know how sad I’ve been?” Lin Xigu mumbled. It sounded a bit like a complaint, a bit like lament, but it was also an impassioned plea to one’s lover as if to say I’ve been suffering so won’t you comfort me?

She Xiao didn’t offer a word of explanation. He merely kissed Lin Xigu’s cheeks, his lips, his eyes. 

His quiet gentleness always left Lin Xigu defenceless.

He didn’t want to waste any time turning on the lights, and he was irrationally afraid as well. He still had a feeling that the person standing in front of him was a delusion, a dream. He was afraid that he would wake up as soon as he turned on the light. He would have lost his mind for real if that happened.

He kissed She Xiao again.

He had his little prince in his arms. They were kissing. Lin Xigu’s chest felt tight. What am I going to do? I wished you were safe. I wished you were well.

But you’ve lost so much weight.

Still kissing She Xiao, Lin Xigu pulled off his own jacket, and then his sweater, and he kept stripping until he was naked from the waist up.

He started to unbuckle his belt.

She Xiao grabbed his hand, not letting him continue.

Lin Xigu struggled but She Xiao resisted just as much, his hand shaking with the effort of holding him down.

“Let go of me!” Lin Xigu snapped angrily, snatching his hand away and smacking She Xiao’s hand. He shoved She Xiao’s hand away and threw himself back into the kiss, pulling his belt loose and throwing it aside.

The metal buckle clanged loudly as it hit the floor.

Their chests heaved, with the other’s heavy breaths in their ears. Lin Xigu took off She Xiao’s jacket to discover that he was only wearing a pajama shirt underneath. He didn’t hesitate as he seized the hem and tried to pull it off.

He was being too impatient. The neckline of the shirt got stuck. She Xiao had no choice but to lift his arms in cooperation.

Lin Xigu threw the shirt aside too, and immediately pulled She Xiao into a hug again.

The skin under his hands was not smooth. It was uneven terrain.

Lin Xigu couldn’t see anything in the dark, but he didn’t need to see to know what the skin that he was touching looked like. He had seen it once before, and it had branded itself in his brain.

He was touching the life that She Xiao lived. He was touching his pain and his fear.

Lin Xigu kissed She Xiao’s Adam’s apple gently. He kissed She Xiao’s collarbones, and the cigarette burns on his chest. He lowered himself slowly, trying to kiss every wound that had ever been inflicted on that body.

He traced the long scar along She Xiao’s abdomen with his tongue, wanting to become the salve that healed every harm She Xiao ever experienced.

He knelt down on one knee, his hands shaking as he undid the buttons of She Xiao’s jeans. His fingers were trembling badly.

She Xiao clutched his fingers until they were pinched sore, not letting him continue.

Lin Xigu wanted to shake him off but She Xiao was stronger. Lin Xigu lifted his head, frowning. It was so dark that he could only make out the vague outlines of She Xiao’s face. He touched the part of She Xiao that was rock hard through his jeans. His fingers were still caught in She Xiao’s grip, so he rubbed him with his wrist.

She Xiao hadn’t said a word since he walked through the door.

Lin Xigu tried to wrestle with him, but She Xiao wouldn’t let go no matter how much he struggled. At last, angry and frustrated, he bit down on She Xiao’s wrist. There was real force behind the bite. He tasted blood.

She Xiao still wouldn’t let him go. They remained deadlocked, both as equally stubborn as the other.

Lin Xigu didn’t have the heart to bite him again. She Xiao was already bleeding. A pitiful whimper escaped from Lin Xigu’s throat.

She Xiao let go in the end.

Lin Xigu, he thought. Are you a pervert now?


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