Chapter 57

Lin Xigu knew he had been extremely reckless. Without much forethought, he had hailed a cab in the middle of a blizzard for a three-hour ride back to the place he had never stopped dreaming about, to see the person he had never stopped dreaming about.

With every passing kilometre, his heart climbed a little higher into his throat. 

As they pulled off the highway, Lin Xigu suddenly opened the passenger window. The cold wind rushed into the car; the snow caked his face.

The cabbie shouted, “Close it, close it! Have you lost your mind, young man? My legs are freezing even with the heat on, and you still want the window open?! Hurry up and shut it!”

Lin Xigu laughed. “Sorry, I was too excited. I’ll settle down.”

The ride mostly passed in silence. Lin Xigu’s mind was preoccupied with impatient thoughts while the driver fretted that his passenger might give him the slip without paying.

Once they had breached the city perimeter, all the cabbie had to do was follow Lin Xigu’s directions to the drop-off point. Lin Xigu had paid him in full when they exited the highway, so the cabbie at last felt relaxed enough for smalltalk.

“What’d you come here for, kid?” He looked at Lin Xigu through the rearview mirror.

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Nkd Dktw vbswtbv qsa y xsxldv. “R’x tskdt bsxl.”

“Mbkp zyvl yv dktbv? Zswa qszjp jdso vs lmrlnv usw?”

“R esd’v jdso,” Nkd Dktw pxkzle. “R fwpv qlzv bsxlpknj yzz sq y pweeld.”

“Gul, jkep vblpl eyup,” vbl ytkdt eakhla pbssj bkp blye. “R’x vlzzkdt usw, usw xwpvd’v es vbkp ytykd. Zsw’al pvkzz y xkdsa. Zsw byhl ds kely obyv jkde sq vaswczl usw xktbv awd kdvs. Ebyv oswze usw byhl esdl kq uswa eakhla wrrle vbl raknl vs ¥1000 byzqoyu vbaswtb yde vbalyvldle vs zlyhl usw sd vbl pkel sq vbl asye kq usw eked’v ryu wr?”

“Xjyu, wdelapvsse,” Nkd Dktw pyke.

Mblal oypd’v y pkdtzl nya sd vbl asye vbkp zyvl yv dktbv, yde sdzu vbl vayqqkn zktbvp olal qzypbkdt yv lynb kdvlaplnvksd. Mbl nkvu oyp pbaswele kd eyajdlpp. Mbl dktbvvkxl pnldlau oypd’v wdqyxkzkya vs Nkd Dktw; vblal olal nswdvzlpp vkxlp obld bl bye oykvle swvpkel Fbl Dkys’p cwkzekdt wdvkz vbl oll bswap sq vbl xsadkdt.

Nkd Dktw vwadle sd bkp rbsdl, yde vos vlmvp qasx bkp eye rsrrle wr.

Zsw’hl tsv twvp, jkees. Ebld R oyp uswa ytl, uswa taydery eyxd dlya casjl xu zlt qsa rwzzkdt y pvwdv zkjl vbkp. Nssjp zkjl usw’al kvnbkdt vs vau xu ryvkldnl vss. Gde vwadkdt sqq uswa rbsdl vs cssv! El’al tskdt vs byhl vs pzwt kv swv obld usw’al cynj.

The second text read:

Stay safe. Always.

Reading the texts, Lin Xigu could almost picture the way his dad would glare at him, exasperated but unable to do anything about his behaviour. His dad would never actually hit him.

He reassured his dad in his reply:

Don’t worry, Dad, I’m very safe!

“Straight ahead? Or turn here?” the cabbie asked.

Lin Xigu looked up, “Turn here, turn here! We’re only 500 metres away!”

He had arrived at She Xiao’s compound.

Lin Xigu thanked the driver as he exited the vehicle. “Thank you, Shushu. Drive carefully on your way back. Watch out for ice!”

“Aye, well, I don’t know if the roadways are still open. Weren’t they closing off the highway when we passed? Forget it. Don’t you worry about me and hurry home. It’s late.”

Lin Xigu grabbed his backpack and ran. He never knew he could run so fast. He stopped when he reached She Xiao’s building. The lights were off in She Xiao’s room.

He dialled She Xiao’s phone, with no real expectation that he would answer, but his phone was on, at least.

Lin Xigu texted him:

Are you home, She Xiao? I’m downstairs.

After sending the text, Lin Xigu looked up at She Xiao’s window again, hoping that he had seen it. He didn’t know whether it was the cold or his nerves that made him shiver in the gusting snow.

He pressed one hand over his ear. It was frozen stiff. He hadn’t chosen a jacket with a hood when he left the house that morning.

If She Xiao didn’t see or respond, Lin Xigu planned to just wait there overnight. After all, She Xiao would have to go to school in the morning.

But then the lobby lit up through the glass doors of the building.

Lin Xigu’s mind raced. The light! The light meant that someone was coming out of the elevator!

It was the first time he realized how long three seconds could be.

And by the time he saw She Xiao appear on the other side of the door, he couldn’t be sure if the boy was real.

She Xiao opened the door, his face a mixture of shock and disbelief. As expected, there was a hint of anger in his expression too. Lin Xigu wanted to laugh all of a sudden. He seemed to recall that She Xiao had given him the same angry look every time he had shown up unannounced. 

He didn’t laugh. Instead, he stared at She Xiao, his eyes glazing over with affection and longing. All words felt trite. She Xiao was standing right in front of him, but he couldn’t find the words to express how he felt.

She Xiao was shivering too. Lin Xigu’s heart ached as he noticed how thin She Xiao had become, thinner than he had ever seen him before.

His eyes reddening, Lin Xigu gave She Xiao a small smile, then suddenly reached out and grabbed She Xiao’s hand. He didn’t say anything. He just started running, pulling She Xiao along with him.

Snowflakes stuck to their eyelashes, their vision speckled, their surroundings hazing in and out of focus like the special effects of some sentimental movie. There was something romantic about the mottled scene that felt like hope blooming from despair.¹绝处逢生. To be rescued unexpectedly from a desperate situation. To come back from death’s door. Lin Xigu held She Xiao’s hand tightly, sprinting back to the house where he used to live without stopping for breath.

The elevator was already stopped on the first floor. He pulled She Xiao in after him.

She Xiao’s eyes locked onto Lin Xigu’s face. He finally spoke, frowning, “Why… are you here?”

Lin Xigu leaned against She Xiao and looked up at him, wanting nothing more than to be swallowed up by his gaze. “I missed you. I wanted you to kiss me.”

Distance had cured Lin Xigu of his embarrassment. 

He could now say baldly, without blushing, “If I had to wait any longer for you to kiss me… I would have gone mad.”

His voice broke before he finished his sentence.

The elevator door opened and Lin Xigu rushed to unlock his door. As soon as the door closed behind them, he threw his arms around She Xiao’s neck, frantically kissing his mouth and nipping at his tongue.

Lin Xigu had always been the gentler kisser of the two, letting She Xiao take the lead as he shyly accepted his advances. This time, it felt like Lin Xigu was trying to muster all the strength in his body as he pressed She Xiao against the door, trying to capture She Xiao’s tongue with his.

She Xiao closed his eyes and tightened his arms around Lin Xigu. He held him close, like he was trying to merge him into his chest. Like he wanted to breathe him into his heart and lungs, surround him with all the softness he had to offer, protect him with his hardened ribcage to defend him from the world outside.

But he couldn’t.

His bones were not unbreakable. If he shattered, Lin Xigu would be the first to get hurt.

He held Lin Xigu’s tongue between his lips. It was so soft that he didn’t want to be too rough.

Lin Xigu’s tears started overflowing mid-kiss. He felt sad, and wronged. He broke the kiss and took a step back, lowering his head, his voice stuffy. “She Xiao… why haven’t you been replying to my texts…?”

He looked utterly miserable.

She Xiao’s heart melted. He stretched out his hand and cupped Lin Xigu’s face, wiping away his tears, then leaned in and kissed his eyelids.

“You don’t text… you don’t call… don’t you know how sad I’ve been?” Lin Xigu mumbled. It sounded a bit like a complaint, a bit like lament, but it was also an impassioned plea to one’s lover as if to say I’ve been suffering so won’t you comfort me?

She Xiao didn’t offer a word of explanation. He merely kissed Lin Xigu’s cheeks, his lips, his eyes. 

His quiet gentleness always left Lin Xigu defenceless.

He didn’t want to waste any time turning on the lights, and he was irrationally afraid as well. He still had a feeling that the person standing in front of him was a delusion, a dream. He was afraid that he would wake up as soon as he turned on the light. He would have lost his mind for real if that happened.

He kissed She Xiao again.

He had his little prince in his arms. They were kissing. Lin Xigu’s chest felt tight. What am I going to do? I wished you were safe. I wished you were well.

But you’ve lost so much weight.

Still kissing She Xiao, Lin Xigu pulled off his own jacket, and then his sweater, and he kept stripping until he was naked from the waist up.

He started to unbuckle his belt.

She Xiao grabbed his hand, not letting him continue.

Lin Xigu struggled but She Xiao resisted just as much, his hand shaking with the effort of holding him down.

“Let go of me!” Lin Xigu snapped angrily, snatching his hand away and smacking She Xiao’s hand. He shoved She Xiao’s hand away and threw himself back into the kiss, pulling his belt loose and throwing it aside.

The metal buckle clanged loudly as it hit the floor.

Their chests heaved, with the other’s heavy breaths in their ears. Lin Xigu took off She Xiao’s jacket to discover that he was only wearing a pajama shirt underneath. He didn’t hesitate as he seized the hem and tried to pull it off.

He was being too impatient. The neckline of the shirt got stuck. She Xiao had no choice but to lift his arms in cooperation.

Lin Xigu threw the shirt aside too, and immediately pulled She Xiao into a hug again.

The skin under his hands was not smooth. It was uneven terrain.

Lin Xigu couldn’t see anything in the dark, but he didn’t need to see to know what the skin that he was touching looked like. He had seen it once before, and it had branded itself in his brain.

He was touching the life that She Xiao lived. He was touching his pain and his fear.

Lin Xigu kissed She Xiao’s Adam’s apple gently. He kissed She Xiao’s collarbones, and the cigarette burns on his chest. He lowered himself slowly, trying to kiss every wound that had ever been inflicted on that body.

He traced the long scar along She Xiao’s abdomen with his tongue, wanting to become the salve that healed every harm She Xiao ever experienced.

He knelt down on one knee, his hands shaking as he undid the buttons of She Xiao’s jeans. His fingers were trembling badly.

She Xiao clutched his fingers until they were pinched sore, not letting him continue.

Lin Xigu wanted to shake him off but She Xiao was stronger. Lin Xigu lifted his head, frowning. It was so dark that he could only make out the vague outlines of She Xiao’s face. He touched the part of She Xiao that was rock hard through his jeans. His fingers were still caught in She Xiao’s grip, so he rubbed him with his wrist.

She Xiao hadn’t said a word since he walked through the door.

Lin Xigu tried to wrestle with him, but She Xiao wouldn’t let go no matter how much he struggled. At last, angry and frustrated, he bit down on She Xiao’s wrist. There was real force behind the bite. He tasted blood.

She Xiao still wouldn’t let him go. They remained deadlocked, both as equally stubborn as the other.

Lin Xigu didn’t have the heart to bite him again. She Xiao was already bleeding. A pitiful whimper escaped from Lin Xigu’s throat.

She Xiao let go in the end.

NSFW

Lin Xigu finished unbuttoning his jeans. She Xiao only had his underwear on underneath.

He must have been in a hurry. It was -30°C outside but he had only bothered to pull on a single pair of pants.

Lin Xigu tugged his underwear down and wrapped his lips around the head of his erection.

She Xiao pushed at his forehead with his palm, refusing to let him go down any further. Lin Xigu would not be dissuaded. He resisted She Xiao’s pushing, still holding him in his mouth.

Lin Xigu struggled. He had to fight She Xiao every step of the way. He was half-kneeling and his forehead was starting to hurt, but he stubbornly refused to let go.

She Xiao gradually gave in. He didn’t have the heart.

He didn’t have the heart to push him away, but he also didn’t have the heart to let him continue.

She Xiao dropped his hands and touched Lin Xigu’s face gently instead, rubbing his forehead where he had been pushing, then squeezed his earlobe. He sighed. “Let go… be good.”

That was the first thing he said since entering Lin Xigu’s apartment.

Lin Xigu looked up again, trying to see She Xiao’s expression, although he still couldn’t see his face.

She Xiao repeated again, “Let go… Baobei.”² One could argue that “baby” is an adequate translation of 宝贝 but I’m of the mind that 宝贝 sounds more doting than “baby” could ever aspire to be.

Lin Xigu knew he had lost as soon as the words left She Xiao’s mouth. He was stunned.

He was no match for She Xiao after all.

From the time the two of them had gotten together to the present moment, She Xiao had never called him anything so affectionate. Lin Xigu’s heart was instantly struck down. The bravado and determination that had filled him before also vaporized, and his cheeks began to flame.

It was all over.

What was he going to do? He was so mortified that he couldn’t move.

She Xiao backed out from his mouth, and sighed.

He took off his shoes and stepped out of his pants and underwear, then crouched down in front of Lin Xigu so they were looking at each other eye-to-eye.

In the dark, he could see Lin Xigu’s eyes glinting like stars as the boy opened his arms to him, soliciting a hug.

In the next second, Lin Xigu had pounced on She Xiao, hiding his face against his shoulder.

She Xiao rubbed the back of his head comfortingly and stood up, lifting Lin Xigu up with him by his butt. Lin Xigu hadn’t been picked up like that in over ten years. He wrapped his legs against She Xiao’s waist. There went his hopes of doing anything spicy with She Xiao that night. He was burning with embarrassment.

She Xiao laid him down on the bed and made him sit up.

He unlaced Lin Xigu’s shoes, took off his socks, then took off his pants.

The two of them were naked from head to toe.

It was a little chilly. Lin Xigu could feel the goosebumps rising from his skin.

Under She Xiao’s guidance, he laid himself down. She Xiao covered him with his body and kissed his mouth.

Then he kissed his ears.

As She Xiao’s tongue traced the contours of his ear, one half of Lin Xigu’s body went completely numb. Precum dripped down onto his thighs as he listened to the rhythm of She Xiao’s breaths against his ear, hot and wet.

Lin Xigu whimpered, clutching She Xiao’s shoulder as She Xiao’s tongue swirled to the other parts of his body.

He had never been touched like that before. She Xiao’s mouth left a path of scorching heat in its wake.

She Xiao treated the person under his hands with the utmost devotion, like he wanted to give him the world.

Lin Xigu shivered when he finally felt She Xiao close his lips around him. It was too much.

His mind was completely blank. All he knew was that his little prince had him inside his mouth.

She Xiao’s tongue enveloped him, soft and hot enough to burn.

Lin Xigu closed his eyes, his breaths coming out in rapid bursts.

He didn’t last long under that kind of stimulation. Whimpering and jerking his hips, he pictured She Xiao’s beautiful lips wrapped around him. The corners of She Xiao’s eyes were probably rose pink.

There were a few times when he jutted into She Xiao’s throat. It felt hot.

Pleasure spiked in him like he had never felt before as he convulsed, coming in She Xiao’s mouth, into the burning heat of his throat.

He heard the sound of She Xiao swallowing.

He thought he was going to die.

It felt as though someone had removed all the bones from his body. He was so blissed out that he couldn’t even twitch his fingers.

She Xiao held him in his mouth until he softened, until he behaved himself.

He straightened and shifted closer to Lin Xigu, grabbing his hand and unbending his fingers. Then, he lowered his head and spat what he hadn’t swallowed onto Lin Xigu’s open palm.

Holding Lin Xigu’s hand in his, he guided him to his erection.

Lin Xigu was going to explode from embarrassment. She Xiao towered over him on the bed, his hand wrapped around Lin Xigu’s as he stroked himself up and down, spreading his cum over the length of his cock.

But the She Xiao in front of him was also much too sexy. Lin Xigu stared at him hungrily. His eyes, which had finally adjusted to the dark, could pick out the peaks and valleys where She Xiao’s brows knitted together.

You’re so beautiful.

Lin Xigu dragged the tip of his thumb across She Xiao’s tip, his palm pressed tight against the web of veins where his blood ran hot as She Xiao responded by growing bigger in his hand, throbbing with want.

She Xiao was completely silent even at a time like this. But his breathing had become urgent, his expression almost pained.

At the exact moment he came, Lin Xigu rose onto his knees and kissed him. She Xiao came onto Lin Xigu’s body, his cum so hot it made him tremble.

She Xiao’s eyelashes were trembling, fluttering across Lin Xigu’s heart.

Using his hand to clean up the mess She Xiao had left on his body, Lin Xigu clenched and unclenched his fist a few times, the fluids on his hand blending together.

He liked him so much.

He liked him to the point that he even delighted in the idea of their cum mixing together.

Lin Xigu, he thought. Are you a pervert now?