Chapter 28

Lin Xigu hadn’t seen his mom in over a year. On a video call, his mom had put her foot down and requested that he spend Chinese New Year with her overseas. Lin Xigu was reluctant to abandon his dad, even though he missed his mother as well.

His parents had divorced amicably. They had been in love once, back in the early days before their marriage. However, they were both hot-headed and their incessant fighting drove them apart, and so they had decided that separating would be for the best. In the years since, they had managed to maintain some semblance of friendship. His dad knew that she missed her son and in a stroke of magnanimity, encouraged Lin Xigu to go.

Before he left, his dad told him, “Stay as long as you want; there’s no need to hurry back. Your old dad doesn’t need you to worry about him.”

Lin Xigu sighed. “I wouldn’t worry so much if you had someone too.”

His dad was amused by this act of maturity and flicked him on the forehead. “Scram. I’ve never met a sillier kid. Give up on trying to manipulate me into finding you a stepmom.”

It wasn’t that Lin Xigu didn’t want to see his mom, and it wasn’t that he didn’t miss her, but she lived too far away. It was torture to sit on the plane for that long. Lin Xigu brought two books on his flight and alternated between reading and napping. His mind fled to She Xiao again. 

He didn’t know if She Xiao’s arm had healed yet, didn’t know how he was going to spend his New Year.¹ All references to the New Year from here on out are used as shorthand for Chinese New Year. “New Year” (xin/nian) usually means CNY whereas 元旦 (yuandan) is used for the Gregorian new year.  

They had lost all contact. No calls, no texts.

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Mbl zypv xlppytl kd vblka vlmv nsdhlapyvksd oyp vbl sdl qasx Nkd Dktw, ypjkdt kq Fbl Dkys bye jkpple bkx.

Tl wple vs alalye vblka vlmvp obldlhla bl qswde bkxplzq xkppkdt Fbl Dkys, pyhswakdt lhlau xlppytl Fbl Dkys bye pldv. Jwv dso bl oyp yqayke sq srldkdt vbl vlmvkdt yrr, yqayke sq pllkdt vbl caygld alnsae sq vbl qkdyz xlppytl vbyv bye ldele yzz nsdhlapyvksdp clvolld vblx. Rv zyu vblal zkjl y pknj fsjl, alxkdekdt Nkd Dktw vbyv bl bye clld ycpwae kd bkp yppwxrvksdp.

Rv xsnjle bkx, pbyxle bkx, yde xyel bkx qllz zkjl bl bye hkszyvle psxlvbkdt pynale.

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Tkp xsx’p bwpcyde oyp y jkde qsalktdla obs oyp pzktbvzu rzwxr okvb y tsse pldpl sq bwxswa. Tl bye vos jkep qasx y ralhkswp xyaakytl obs yzps zkhle okvb vblx. Mbl szelpv oyp y volzhl-ulya-sze csu, yde vbld vblal oyp vblka zkvvzl nwazu-bykale ydtlz. Gv qkhl ulyap sze, pbl oyp lprlnkyzzu yesayczl.

Nkd Dktw oyp bla qyhswakvl. Fbl yzoyup nyzzle bkx “Qltl” pollvzu okvb bla vldela zkvvzl hsknl.

Rd ralryayvksd qsa vbl Llo Zlya, Kk Cksdt asrle bla vball jkep kdvs blzrkdt bla xyjl ewxrzkdtp. Tla lypu-tskdt bwpcyde oyp dsv talyv okvb bkp bydep yde nswze sdzu pwrrsav vblx cu plahkdt vblx fwknl. Gzvbswtb bl eked’v nlzlcayvl vbl Ubkdlpl bszkeyu, bl oyp byrru vs rzyu yzsdt.

Nkd Dktw’p zkvvzl pkpvla ralpldvle bkx okvb y pbyrlzlpp czsc sq eswtb yde pyke, “Mbkp kp qsa Qltl, qasx Yknjlu.”

Nkd Dktw tyhl bla y pxssnb yde vbydjle bla.

She was the princess of the family, doted on by everyone. She would always ask for a goodnight kiss from Lin Xigu, and would toddle back to her room with her teddy bear once Lin Xigu had pecked her on the cheek. Lin Xigu loved her too.

That day, he received two red envelopes stuffed with cash from his warm and loving family. 

It was noon for him, which meant that it was nearly midnight back home. He set his New Year’s money aside and called his dad. His dad was doing well, and was watching the Spring Festival Gala at his grandmother’s house. Lin Xigu relaxed a little. The more lively it was at his mom’s, the more he worried about his old man, scared that he was going to be spending New Year’s Eve sad and alone.

He then proceeded to respond to everyone’s well wishes for the new year. When the texts at last trickled to a stop, Lin Xigu stared at the empty notifications list on his phone. He had nothing else to distract him and he couldn’t help sinking back into crippling disappointment. 

And also sinking back into thoughts about She Xiao.

They were more than two weeks into winter break and there had not been a single text.

Lin Xigu touched the watch on his wrist. It had been She Xiao’s gift to him. He never took it off, except to shower. He didn’t understand how they had become so estranged; they had been so close before. 

He had already bought She Xiao a New Year’s present – a pen, engraved with his initials. Now, he was unsure when he would ever get the opportunity to give it to him. 

“What’s on your mind?” Ji Qiong appeared in a set of red pajamas and tapped Lin Xigu on the head.

Lin Xigu smiled and said, “Mama.”

“Staring at your phone again, silly?” She ruffled her son’s hair affectionately. “Worried about your dad?”

Lin Xigu nodded. “A bit.”

“I think he’s at your grandmother’s. I asked him yesterday.” Ji Qiong’s eyes swept over Lin Xigu’s phone, then settled on the disappointed expression he had been unable to hide. She gave him a small smile. “It looks to me like you’re worried about more than just your dad. You’ve stayed here this long and we haven’t had a chance to have a heart-to-heart yet. Now that everyone else is resting, do you want to chat?” 

Lin Xigu nodded. “Let’s chat. What about?”

“Let’s chat about that boy you like.”

“Ah…” Lin Xigu blinked, caught off guard by her request. “Sure, let’s do it.”

“Do you have a picture? Can I see?” His mom arched her eyebrows and tapped on the phone in Lin Xigu’s hands.

“I do. I sneaked this photo.” Lin Xigu smiled and quickly found the picture he was looking for. He didn’t realize the pride sparkling in his eyes as he handed his phone to his mom.

Lin Xigu had snapped the photo during class break as She Xiao was napping. Bathed in sunlight, he was the image of pureness.

“You just have the one? No others?” Ji Qiong didn’t swipe past the picture on the screen. She handed the phone back to her son.

“That’s it. This is all I have.” Lin Xigu looked down at the photo and hid a smile.

“He is good-looking, like you said. But his face is hard to see in your photo.”

Lin Xigu nodded. People who had never seen She Xiao in real life would probably find it difficult to grasp just how handsome he was from a photo alone. But Lin Xigu could. He had already carved She Xiao’s features into his brain.

He tapped twice on his screen, his fingertips lingering over She Xiao’s eyelashes in the picture. Such long lashes. How pretty. The sun had thrown their shadows onto his cheeks and he looked like a sleeping prince, waiting to be kissed awake. 

Ji Qiong noted her son’s every expression. Seeing him tiptoe around her made her sigh inwardly.

That day, they talked a lot. Invariably, the topic of conversation revolved around Ji Qiong’s unequivocal support for her son and his sexuality, and she instructed him to never think of himself as abnormal or inferior. But just because she supported his sexuality didn’t mean she agreed with him dating at such a young age.

No matter how much Lin Xigu liked She Xiao, as a mother, this was something she could not permit. He was allowed to have a crush on this boy, but he wasn’t allowed to go any further. Society was still largely intolerant of same-sex relationships; otherwise, Lin Xigu wouldn’t have had to switch schools.

At his age, the slightest slip up could cause a child irrevocable harm. 

Lin Xigu agreed. “I know, Ma. Don’t worry.”

“I know you’ve always been a good kid,” Ji Qiong stroked his hair, then sighed again. “This rule is not like the others, understand? If you hurt yourself over this, you may regret it for years to come.”

“Mn, you really don’t need to worry. I would never hurt myself, and he won’t hurt me either. He’s a good person. And regardless, he doesn’t… he doesn’t want to be with me either.”

Lin Xigu thought of the current state of their relationship and smiled bitterly as he restated, “Mama, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.”

“Well, here’s to hoping.” Ji Qiong’s eyes were overflowing with care and concern. Although she loved her stepchildren, he was still the only child she had carried in her womb. She said quietly, “As long as you’re safe, I don’t care what you do.”

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After their talk, Lin Xigu returned to his room with a heavy heart. He was flying home in a few days. He had been frank with his mother during the conversation and shared what she needed to know. But he had reserved some things for himself, such as holding hands in the zoo. Such as his suspicions that She Xiao might have… kissed him, down in the snow.

Lin Xigu shut his eyes and fell back in bed. He didn’t want to tell anyone. It was his secret to keep.

It was a piece of candy that was too sweet to eat, carried around in a pocket to be saved for later.

His mom only spoke to him once about matters of the heart, and about She Xiao. She didn’t bring it up again in the days following, but just because no one reminded him didn’t mean Lin Xigu could stop missing She Xiao like crazy.

His twelve-year-old stepbrother was slightly introverted and didn’t like to talk much. There were times when he reminded Lin Xigu of his equally silent tongzhuo, although his tongzhuo was admittedly much prettier.

On the eve of his return, Lin Xigu almost caved and texted She Xiao. He held his phone with sweaty palms, the blinking cursor on the screen stopped at the end of a simple message: “She Xiao, happy new year”. But no matter what, he couldn’t muster the nerve to send it. 

His last message was still an eyesore, but Lin Xigu couldn’t bring himself to delete it either. 

His thumb hesitated over the ‘send’ key for a long time. He was at last interrupted by the little princess asking for her goodnight kiss. After Lin Xigu sent her on her way, he looked back at his phone, sighed, then deleted his draft one character at a time. 

There were only ten days until the start of school, after all. Time would pass quickly.