Chapter 14

C/W: Mention of self-harm, suicide

His new seat boasted a much better view than before. They used to be boxed in by a wall, but he now had a direct view of the window, not that he cared. Lin Xigu had no interest in the window; his favourite pastime while tuning out of the lecture was staring at the boy beside him.

Above all else, he was the best scenery.

His relationship with She Xiao was better than ever, and everything was advancing according to Lin Xigu’s wishes. He habitually texted She Xiao after school. She Xiao sometimes replied and sometimes did not, but it never put a dent in Lin Xigu’s enthusiasm. He liked to text him and that was that.

He had his devious moments too, like when he would purposely forget to make a copy of the day’s assignments so that he would have an excuse to text She Xiao after he got home.

To do: Math questions, English workbook, corrections for the Physics test (but you tested perfect so you can skip this), and no homework assigned for anything else. A light load today! You can rest early.  

Lin Xigu tapped ‘send’ with a wide smile on his face.

He did not know whether She Xiao would reply. Lin Xigu set his phone aside as he stepped into the shower. When he checked his phone again later, freshly bathed with a chestful of anticipation, there was indeed a text waiting for him. She Xiao was succinct as always.

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“What happened to your neck?” Lin Xigu’s voice came out hoarse as he stared at She Xiao’s neck in disbelief. The wound was ghastly. Had it been any deeper, it surely would have sliced through his carotid artery, and had it pierced that artery, She Xiao would have been in mortal danger.

He didn’t even realise how distressed he appeared as he gawped at She Xiao. Even the corners of his eyes were turning red.

“How did this even happen?” Lin Xigu’s brain was still in shock as he continued to mutter under his breath, “How did your neck end up like this? Did you get in a fight? You should still be protecting your neck and head, even in a fight… Did someone hold a knife to your neck? You’re much too reckless…”

His eyes welled with tears as he spoke, the tears threatening to spill over. He sniffed hard to hold them back, not daring to make eye contact with She Xiao. His heart ached for him. He feared he might break down if he looked at him a moment longer.

Lowering his head, he continued speaking in a hushed tone, “You were really much too reckless. If that had slit your artery, She Xiao, you…”

“Don’t worry.” She Xiao interrupted Lin Xigu’s rambling. His tone was always detached, so it made him sound indifferent, but his fingertips grazed Lin Xigu’s arm, forcing him to look up at his face. Then he very slightly raised his chin and touched the wound. “It’s shallow. Don’t worry.”

“Just because it’s shallow doesn’t mean I’m not going to worry! What if you’d been cut deeper?” Lin Xigu glared at She Xiao with bloodshot eyes, awash with waves of aftershock and dread for how things might have unfolded.

She Xiao simply looked at him, his voice level. “Impossible.”

Lin Xigu stalled, not knowing whom he ought to be enraged at. At last, not knowing what else he could possibly say, he sighed and walked away.

She Xiao trailed behind him quietly.

Lin Xigu smiled in self-mockery. It was his first time walking in front of She Xiao. He usually followed behind She Xiao or blissfully walked alongside him. Despite the novelty of getting to play leader for once, he did not experience a single shred of enjoyment. 

He wanted to hurt someone. 

“Hey, Lin Xigu!” He ran into Li Balei by the classroom door. She had just arrived as well and was waving enthusiastically. “I just texted you. I brought you cookies. My mom made them.”

“Okay, thanks.” Lin Xigu tried his best to keep his voice steady, but it cracked anyway.

Li Balei peered at him worriedly. “Lin Xigu, what’s wrong?”

Lin Xigu shook his head. “Nothing. I’m going to sit down.”

She Xiao followed him back to his seat.

Lin Xigu agonised over She Xiao’s injury all morning without relief, unable to rid himself of the mental image of that bloodied wound mutilating She Xiao’s clean, pale throat, the sight of it unspeakably cruel.

He did not know who would have had the ability to hurt him like that.

Lin Xigu’s mood was subdued all morning and he didn’t try to initiate conversation with She Xiao like he normally did. It was not until the end of third period that he finally asked, “Have you cleaned it already?”

She Xiao looked at him. “Yes.”

“What did you use?” Lin Xigu’s heart throbbed every time he stared at the line made by the incision. He took a deep breath and clarified, “Antibiotic ointment? Or –”

“Alcohol.” She Xiao answered slowly.

It must have been excruciating to pour alcohol on an open wound.

“Let’s go see the nurse at lunch. You should have it treated and bandaged up, at the very least. It would be bad if it got infected.” Lin Xigu insisted, brow furrowed.

“No.” She Xiao refused without a second thought.

Lin Xigu found it impossible to lose his temper at She Xiao. Deep down, he wanted to go along with whatever he said. He thought for a moment and suggested, “Then come home with me. I’ll be the only one there anyways, and I can help you with it, deal?”

A long pause elapsed before She Xiao finally nodded slowly. 

He was about to have She Xiao over at last. The Lin Xigu of yesterday would have been delirious with happiness, but he could muster no such feelings. All he could think about was She Xiao’s neck, the rage bottled up inside him with no way out.

He texted Zhou-ayi ahead of time to let her know that he was bringing a friend home and asked her to prepare an extra serving for lunch.

When they arrived, Zhou-ayi had just finished her last dish and was on her way out. Lin Xigu greeted her while steering She Xiao toward the couch, whispering, “Go sit. I’ll go grab what we need.”

Zhou-ayi was clearly alarmed when she saw She Xiao’s neck, but she didn’t say anything more about it as she packed up her things and bid them goodbye. 

Dabbing at the cut with a cotton ball held between tweezers, Lin Xigu cleaned the wound with the utmost care. “Does it hurt?”

She Xiao said nothing, only shook his head.

With She Xiao sitting calmly across from him, Lin Xigu’s rage slowly dissipated. He finally came around to the fact that She Xiao was sitting in his home, and it grounded him. He suddenly felt sheepish.

“I was being awful all morning. I’m sorry, I was just a little worried.” Lin Xigu chewed on his lip and apologized softly. “I know it has nothing to do with me, that I’m just meddling. But I still think… you should try to avoid getting hurt.”

“Mn.”

Lin Xigu was not an expert at dressing wounds – he was rarely injured himself – and his handiwork was poor.

She Xiao did not only stop in but also stayed for lunch. Lin Xigu made a note to mark which bowl She Xiao had eaten out of. From now on, that would be the only bowl he would use as well.

And his chopsticks too…

Lin Xigu’s heart finally quickened in that familiar way again as he watched She Xiao eat his meal soundlessly. The way he ate was very… irresistible.

After lunch was over, Lin Xigu couldn’t hold back any longer. “Can you please tell me who hurt you?”

She Xiao regarded him in silence for so long that Lin Xigu didn’t think he was going to reply. And then he said slowly, “I did.”

Lin Xigu froze, his mouth slightly agape as he stared at She Xiao, unable to react.

He did? He had sliced his own neck open like that? Lin Xigu’s mind was suddenly flooded with news reports on rising suicide rates among adolescents. He glanced at She Xiao and blinked, his whole heart tensed and teetering on a tightrope.

“But why…” Lin Xigu wanted to grab She Xiao’s arm but refrained in the end.

She Xiao never gave him an answer. And no matter what else Lin Xigu asked him that day, he always stiffened his lip, acting as though he had not heard his question.

That night, Lin Xigu opened his notepad and forcefully wrote out the latest update to She Xiao’s score —

— Hurt his neck. Very serious injury. -200 points.

48.

The hard-earned points from recent days were gone just like that. They were back to square one. Lin Xigu felt wistful. After all, those points had taken so long to accumulate. 

But no matter how badly he felt, it had to be done. Swiftly and without hesitation.