Chapter 58

The house had not been lived in for a while. The water heater was still off.

Lin Xigu used tissues to clean up what he could, then switched on the water heater so they could shower in the morning.

As he turned on the bedside lamp, She Xiao pulled the duvet over himself.

Lin Xigu frowned, yanking the duvet off him, and said somewhat grumpily, “What are you covering up for? I already told you, I’m not scared…”

She Xiao let him have his way. He couldn’t say no to Lin Xigu anymore.

Lin Xigu could see all the scars on She Xiao’s body, as well as the bite mark he had left on his wrist earlier. He picked up She Xiao’s hand and kissed his wrist. “Did it hurt when I bit you?”

She Xiao shook his head. “No.”

What they had just done could easily make someone feel self-conscious but Lin Xigu felt more happy than embarrassed about doing something so intimate together. He pressed closer, hanging off of She Xiao and bit his chin lightly.

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They were both still naked. She Xiao’s hand slid down to Lin Xigu’s butt and squeezed it.

Lin Xigu was ticklish. He laughed as he twisted away, pulling the duvet over both their bodies, and hid his face against She Xiao’s shoulder where he gradually became still.

She Xiao patted his back softly. Lin Xigu had been on the road all night, and under She Xiao’s soothing touch, his eyelids were starting to droop.

He closed his eyes and murmured, “She Xiao… I’ve missed you every single day…”

Maintaining his rhythm, She Xiao kissed his hair.

“I told my dad I’m losing my mind, but he didn’t believe me…” Lin Xigu was drifting off, surrounded by the scent of She Xiao’s shampoo. His warm breaths tickled She Xiao’s neck as he talked. “But I’m really… not doing so well… I can’t sleep, and I can’t eat… Sometimes… I get anxious…mn… And also…”

His voice trailed off, becoming steadily fainter. He could barely open his mouth anymore, his breathing turning long and deep.

However, She Xiao froze. He shifted Lin Xigu off himself and patted his cheeks urgently.

“What’s wrong…?” Lin Xigu was on the verge of sleep. He tried to focus on She Xiao through half-hooded lids.

She Xiao frowned. “What…did you just say?”

Lin Xigu took longer than usual to react. He thought for a long time before saying, “Hmm… mentally, I’m not doing so well.”

She Xiao’s expression became so severe that Lin Xigu felt a little more awake. “Anxious?” She Xiao pursued.

Lin Xigu nodded. “Mn, I haven’t been able to sleep… I’m always thinking about you.”

She Xiao didn’t say anything as he studied him. His expression was frightfully solemn. Lin Xigu smiled self-consciously and said, “But I’m doing better now. As long as I take tonic before bed, I can get a good night’s rest most of the time.”

She Xiao placed his hand on Lin Xigu’s head and traced his eyebrow gently with his thumb. In a low voice, he said, “Don’t… miss me.”

Lin Xigu sniffed, looking back at him. “You think I have superpowers or something? It’s not exactly something I can control.”

She Xiao didn’t know what to say to that. Lin Xigu suddenly remembered every recent injustice and started in on his mental list of slights. “If anyone has superpowers here, it’s you. You can do whatever you set your mind to. You decided you were going to cut off all contact, and so you haven’t texted me even once. Amazing stuff.”

The grumpiness in his voice made him seem especially cute.

Unexpectedly, it also made She Xiao laugh out loud. He looked at the long eyelashes obscuring Lin Xigu’s doe eyes and couldn’t resist reaching out to touch them.

Lin Xigu closed whichever eye he touched, winking as She Xiao tapped lightly on his eyelids, but he refused to be sidetracked. “If I wasn’t made of tougher stuff, my heart would have been ground to dust already. How could you be so mean?”

All traces of sleep vanished as Lin Xigu recounted the gripes he had been harbouring. He sat up, looking down at his hands as he continued, “You haven’t even let me know if you were okay. I asked you to leave handouts on my desk but you haven’t been saving them for me. I’ve liked you for so long already… we’ve worked so hard to be together… Everything you said, every promise you ever made… how could you just take it all back?”

The more he thought about it, the more upset he felt. A lump formed in his throat. “I didn’t blame you for pushing me away… but then you stopped talking to me, just like that.”

He rattled off his grievances with his head bowed, looking pitiful and childlike at the same time. Chuckling, She Xiao sat up too and gathered him into his arms, squeezing his cheeks.

Lin Xigu looked at him and blinked. “You’re laughing at a time like this? You should be repenting for your actions…”

She Xiao nodded with a small smile. “Okay, I’ll repent.”

As he lay back down, Lin Xigu sniffed his hand and frowned. “Why can I still smell it? I’ve washed my hands twice already…”

She Xiao grabbed his hand and tucked it under the duvet. 

Lin Xigu took his hand out and sniffed it again. “I’m not lying. It reeks.”

He was disgusted by himself, feeling as though he hadn’t been able to wash his hands properly. He wouldn’t have cared if he had She Xiao on his hands but he was always careful not to dirty his hands when he jerked off late at night, and otherwise washed his hands multiple times if he did.

She Xiao picked up his hand and kissed it.  “It doesn’t.”

The series of events from earlier replayed in Lin Xigu’s mind. His memories were hot to the touch, and everytime he settled on it, he turned red and warm.

Before he fell asleep, he heard She Xiao whisper in his ear, “Forget about me. Go live your life.”

It was absurd that he could say something so heartless with such a gentle voice. Lin Xigu had half a mind to ignore it as he covered She Xiao’s mouth with his hand. “She Xiao, we’re not machines. Humans have feelings. I won’t stop missing you just because I said so, and I won’t forget everything just because you told me to go.

”You say you want me to live my life. But without you, it’s hardly a life worth living.”

After saying his piece, Lin Xigu did not want to talk anymore. He closed his eyes, ready to sleep.

He was exhausted and was out like a light in no time. She Xiao watched him. Lin Xigu was completely unguarded when he slept. He looked almost docile lying there with his eyes closed, his breathing long and even.

She Xiao did not drift off. He watched Lin Xigu sleep for the entire night.

Lin Xigu had not slept so peacefully in a long time. He slept deeply, without a single dream.

When he awoke in the morning to see She Xiao looking back at him, he suddenly remembered where he was.

The feeling was new. It was also wonderful and comforting.

Lin Xigu broke into a grin. His eyes scrunched when he smiled. His voice was still raspy from having just woken up. “Good morning,” he said softly to She Xiao.

She Xiao smiled back at him. “Good morning.”

“What time is it?”

She Xiao thought for a moment. “Eight… I think.”

Lin Xigu stared up at the ceiling and stretched. He was still naked under the duvet and he was starting to warm with embarrassment again as he remembered what they had done the night before. He made a small noise and said, “We’re already late for school.”

”Mn,” She Xiao said.

“Guess I’m playing hooky today.” Lin Xigu reached over and placed his hand on She Xiao’s body. Like Lin Xigu, his skin was bare. Lin Xigu withdrew his hand. “What about you? Can you skip too?”

She Xiao obviously didn’t mind. He wouldn’t care even if Lin Xigu asked him to skip school for the month.

Lin Xigu found two brand new pairs of underwear for themselves. He had only packed up a few changes of clothes when he moved; most of his things were still there.

She Xiao still lived in this city, after all. He was bound to return someday.

Lin Xigu showered and changed into a fresh set of pajamas, then found a pair of shorts for She Xiao to wear. The heated floors kept the apartment toasty; it wasn’t cold. The two of them didn’t go anywhere that day. They spent the day inside together.

“Why have you lost so much weight?” Lin Xigu asked, stroking She Xiao’s face.

She Xiao pressed Lin Xigu’s hand to his cheek and didn’t answer immediately. After a while, he replied slowly, “…My ma’s back.”

Lin Xigu stared at him, his heart plummeting. “Th-then is it fine for you to be here right now if she’s home?”

She Xiao squeezed his hand reassuringly. “He’s…not there. Something came up…at his hotel.”

“His hotel? He has a hotel?” Lin Xigu just realized that he had no idea what that man did for a living.

She Xiao told him the name, then explained, “It’s a… joint venture.”

Lin Xigu was shocked. The chain was quite well-known in their city. How long would it be before She Xiao could escape from the long shadow cast by all of that wealth and power?

“So how’s your mom doing?” Lin Xigu asked gently.

She Xiao nodded. “She’s okay.”

Lin Xigu peeked at him cautiously. “Why…did she come back?”

She Xiao didn’t answer.

Lin Xigu could guess what the answer was, even if She Xiao didn’t say anything. He remembered what She Xiao had told them before. He and his mother were both trapped. Neither could be free of the man for good, could have any hope of escape. There had been no hope in She Xiao’s eyes when he said that.

Lin Xigu still remembered what She Xiao’s mother looked like. She was very beautiful. Her fate had become She Xiao’s fate. Being married to that man, her life was doomed to darkness, as was the life of her child.

But she had no choice in the matter. She was a victim too.

Lin Xigu didn’t know what else to say. His chest felt heavy. He drew his knees to his chin and fell silent.

She Xiao stroked his hair. “No worrying. Don’t be scared.”

Lin Xigu nodded.

He had promised his dad that he would be home that day, so he had to leave before the sun set. Before he left, Lin Xigu hugged She Xiao and reminded him over and over, “You can’t not answer my calls, you can’t ignore my texts. Otherwise, I’ll come looking for you again.”

She Xiao obliged and fixed Lin Xigu’s collar. “Don’t run away from home.”

Lin Xigu grabbed his hand. “I won’t, but only if you promise I’ll always be able to reach you.”

She Xiao nodded. “Okay.”

“I swore to you that we won’t be separated, and that means we won’t be,” Lin Xigu said. “I’m learning for the first time what it means to be madly in love. So if you shut me out again, I can’t predict what I might do.”

She Xiao kissed his eyelids to placate him. “I hear you. You have to…eat well, sleep well. Don’t… overthink.”

Lin Xigu scratched his nose and nodded. “Okay.”

It was time to leave, even if doing so went against every fibre of his being. Lin Xigu’s eyes reddened as his legs seemingly turned to lead. He couldn’t move.

She Xiao smiled. “Go.”

“Fine,” Lin Xigu mumbled.

She Xiao bent down and looked him in the eyes. In a quiet voice, he instructed slowly, “Behave.”

His slow drawl made Lin Xigu’s ears burn. He couldn’t take another second of She Xiao’s gentleness. He turned and walked away quickly without a peep. When he boarded the taxi, he didn’t look back.

If he didn’t walk away quickly, he would never be able to leave.

If he had looked back, if he had given She Xiao so much as a backward glance, he would never have been able to walk away.