Chapter 59

Lin Xigu got home late in the evening. His dad had just finished eating and was reclining on the sofa, looking at his phone. The TV was tuned to a random channel and blaring commercials.

His dad glanced at him briefly but otherwise ignored him.

Grinning, Lin Xigu walked over and sat down crossed-legged on the floor next to him. “Pops, I’m home.”

“I can see that,” his dad said coolly.

“Then why didn’t you say anything?” Lin Xigu grabbed a clementine from the coffee table, bit a hole in the skin, and started peeling it slowly.

“I’m worried I’ll want to kick your ass if I talk to you.” His dad was still looking at his phone, turned away from him. “Little brat. Just because your dad’s never hit you doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a temper.”

“I know, I know,” Lin Xigu chortled as he picked at the peel, trying to liven the mood. “My dad’s got a huge temper. Very quick to anger.”

He peeled off a wedge of orange and stuffed it in his dad’s mouth. “Pops, lay off me for a sec. Weren’t you always saying you wanted me to be more rebellious like the other boys my age? How’s the orange, by the way? Sweet?”

The following parts of the text will be scrambled to prevent theft from aggregators and unauthorized epub making. Please support our translators by reading on secondlifetranslations (dot) com. If you are currently on the site and and you are seeing this, please clear your cache.

“Follv, xu ypp,” Tkp eye nblole yde poyzzsole. “Zsw eked’v lhld oypb uswa bydep obld usw pywdvlale kd. R pbswze cl tayvlqwz kv oypd’v pyzvu, yde usw pvkzz byhl vbl tyzz vs ypj kq kv’p pollv?”

Nkd Dktw zywtble yde nsdvkdwle nayxxkdt saydtl kdvs bkp eye’p xswvb. “Rd ydu nypl, usw nyd’v pvyu xye yv xl, sd ynnswdv sq vbl xydu ulyap ol’hl pwahkhle vstlvbla.”

Tkp eye pbsv bkx y elyvb tzyal cwv pyke dsvbkdt.

Nkd Dktw qlzz pkzldv vss, nsdvkdwkdt vs qlle bkx saydtl rklnlp. Ebld vbl saydtl oyp yzxspv tsdl, bkp eye qkdyzzu casjl vbl pkzldnl. “Zsw xwpv cl ydtau vss, aktbv?”

Nkd Dktw pbssj bkp blye. “Ls.”

“Rv oswze cl olkae kq usw olald’v,” bkp eye pdsavle, qzknjkdt bkp qsalblye. “Zsw’al xye yv Ysx yde R qsa dsv pwrrsavkdt vbkp zkvvzl nawpb sq uswap.”

Nkd Dktw csole bkp blye yde pnayvnble bkp dspl. “R’x dsv xye. Tsdlpv.”

“R’e cl ekpiwyzkqkle yp y qyvbla kq R eked’v jdso xu sod psd.” Tkp eye plv bkp rbsdl ypkel yde pyv wr pvayktbv, zssjkdt yv Nkd Dktw. “Mbkdtp byhl clld ekpvydv clvolld wp zyvlzu. Rv’p zkjl vblal’p y oyzz clvolld wp dso. Zsw vbkdj R byhld’v dsvknle bso nayccu usw’hl clld?”

Lin Xigu shook his head wordlessly.

“Let’s talk it out today, give you an outlet to vent some steam.”

“I don’t have any steam to vent…” Lin Xigu shook his head again, sincere. “I really don’t. You and Mom are doing this for my own good. I understand.”

His dad laughed, then suddenly reached out and rubbed Lin Xigu’s head. “You sure are bullheaded for someone with such a round head.”¹“挺圆的脑袋，里边就一根筋” – Literally “For such a round head, there is only one tendon inside.” 一根筋 (or “a single tendon”) means to have a one-track mind or to be obstinate about something. Conversely 少根筋 (or “to be missing a tendon”) can be used to describe someone who is dim-witted or who behaves oddly. 动脑筋: literally: “to move one’s brain tendons”, means: “to think hard”. 伤脑筋: literally “to hurt one’s brain tendons” means something so difficult (that it hurts to think about).

Lin Xigu blinked, grumbling quietly, “And who did I inherit that from, exactly?”

His dad scoffed. “What part of me are you saying you inherited?”

Lin Xigu looked at him, then looked away. “Then why haven’t you remarried yet? Why haven’t you found me a new mom?”

His question threw his dad off guard and Lin Xigu continued, “Who exactly do you think will be worse off if you remarry? Who are you really trying to protect, Pops?”

His dad regarded him soundlessly for a while before he suddenly chuckled and sighed. “You really have changed a lot.”

Lin Xigu chewed his lip. He had always known what his dad wanted most, which was why he always encouraged his dad to find a girlfriend and start over. He never told his dad what he knew, pretending not to know that his dad regretted the divorce, that he had eyes for no one but his ex-wife.

He always thought that such feelings weren’t something he could understand. So he never said anything, and never felt like he had the right to say anything.

But now, he was someone with firsthand experience who was starting to understand how difficult relationships could be. He understood that people didn’t often end up together just because they loved each other, that love could be hidden, that love could be the reason for letting them go because you wanted the best for them.

Love like that was selfless. Lin Xigu thought he would never be able to climb to that level.

His dad ruffled Lin Xigu’s short hair and didn’t elaborate on the topic, instead steering the conversation back to his son. “It’s not that we enjoy getting in your way or stopping you from being happy. Who else in this world wants you to be happy more than I do? But when it comes to my boy, I have to be selfish. I only want you to be safe. I want you to graduate and go to college wherever you like, or you can go study where your mom is; it’s all fine with me, as long as you’re happy.”

Lin Xigu listened quietly with his head bowed, nodding every so often.

“But for the rest of this year, at least, I don’t care if you’re happy or not. Don’t blame your dad for being heartless. You can’t stay there.”

Lin Xigu sniffed, internally rebutting that “there” was where She Xiao lived. He didn’t nod this time, as if silently protesting.

“I’ve been doting on you for years, and I want to keep doing that. I remember a time before you started speaking when you would start to pee every time I put you on my shoulders. You always giggled after you finished. You were so spoiled that you would deliberately hold it in until you saw me. Then your mom said you weren’t allowed to ride on my shoulders anymore and you started bawling. So I hoisted you up and said, “Pee away, little brat.” You flashed the only four teeth you had and laughed until you got the hiccups, and then you peed all over my jacket.”

The joy from reminiscing about the early days of fatherhood filled his dad’s face as he spoke, along with a look of bewildered realization that his son had grown up in the blink of an eye. Lin Xigu met his gaze and suddenly found in his eyes the helplessness of a father who could do everything and nothing. “You don’t sleep, which means I can’t sleep either. I want to bring you back there too. I want to see you happy. But as much of a risk taker as your dad is, I can’t gamble with my son’s life. I’ve conducted a background check on their family, you know; it’s not that we are cold-hearted and unwilling to help, but my hands are tied. What can I do? Can I just show up at their door and kidnap their son?

“I don’t want you to think your dad’s scared. I’m not scared of anyone. If anyone hurt so much as a pinky on your hand, I would throw away everything I have if only to show them whose son you are. I would see them dead, even if it meant putting my own life on the line. But that’s only if they hurt my son. I can see where the pit is and I can see you about to jump, but that’s impossible. I can’t stop you from jumping when you’re standing right beside it; the only thing I can do is take you away.”

Lin Xigu was already starting to tear up. He leaned back on his arms, looking at his dad with the sudden realization that he had been stubborn and self-centered all along. His dad continued, “Right now, you’re here under my protection. No one can hurt you. Even if his family were to find out about you two, you are still safe here. I will only keep you here for this one year. After your exam, it’s out of my hands. As long as you can leave that city unscathed, the two of you can be together all you want; I couldn’t care less. People always say that young love doesn’t last, but if you two can tough it out until that time comes, then hats off to you both. By the time you both graduate from college, two young men such as yourselves should have more weight to throw around.

“But right now, I need you to focus on your studies.” He tapped Lin Xigu on the shoulder. “Go to class, write your tests; you can’t half-ass any of it. If you let this impact your Gaokao, or if something should happen that jeopardizes your future, I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. I will always blame myself for not being more strict with you. Don’t make me carry that burden, you hear?”

Lin Xigu’s eyes were red. He sniffed and nodded. “I hear you, Ba.”

His dad stood and placed his palm on Lin Xigu’s head, rocking it back and forth a few times. “I pray that you will always be safe, happy and well in every sense of the word, from now until I breathe my last.”

The emotion in such a declaration was too heavy a weight. Unadorned, it was the most genuine of wishes from a father to his son.

From your birth to my death, I will do everything in my power to give you the best life possible. I want you to live a life of peace.

The words crashed down on Lin Xigu’s head as he sat for nearly half an hour, unable to summon a reply.

Even after the fact, he couldn’t remember what he had been thinking about while he sat there in silence. But for a long time after that conversation, he did not try to run away. He still loved She Xiao with all his strength, but he did not dare go to that city again.

Lin Xigu was ultimately too inexperienced to outwit his father. Everything his dad said that day was the absolute truth, straight from the heart, without a word of exaggeration. But had his father said all of that without an ulterior motive?

No.

Since that day, every cell in Lin Xigu’s body ached with the desire to see She Xiao again, but every time the thought crossed his mind, he would remember his father’s words: “I pray that you will always be safe from now until I breathe my last.”

He did not try to run away from home again. Even the thought made him feel undeserving of the love and trust his father had invested in him.

Fortunately, since his last visit, She Xiao no longer ignored him. She Xiao would reply to his text messages and answer his calls. Every evening after school, Lin Xigu would put his headphones on and talk to She Xiao for a few minutes.

She Xiao would listen as Lin Xigu spoke about his day, occasionally offering up a few short responses of his own. His voice was always gentle over the phone.

Lin Xigu would ask how She Xiao was doing, and She Xiao would always reply that he was doing fine.

He would ask if She Xiao was hurt, and She Xiao would always say no.

But every few days, Lin Xigu would hear from Li Balei that she had seen She Xiao with bandages again, on his hands, neck, or somewhere else.

Li Balei also reported that She Xiao was continuing to lose weight. She asked Lin Xigu if She Xiao was ill because he always looked so unhealthy.

Lin Xigu still couldn’t sleep at night; he still missed She Xiao.

In the quiet of the night, he would always return to the memory of She Xiao gripping his waist with one hand and kissing him hard. The sound of She Xiao calling him “Baobei” would echo in his ears; just thinking the word turned him on.

He and She Xiao were trapped in limbo. They couldn’t meet in person and could only communicate by phone.

However, over time, they had established a kind of peaceful harmony in this arrangement as well. Because She Xiao remained in contact with Lin Xigu, it sustained their relationship. Lin Xigu no longer suffered from not being able to reach She Xiao. He now had the strength to keep himself from running off to see him.

In a soft voice over the phone, Lin Xigu said, “She Xiao, I miss you so much…”

His voice was small and sticky sweet as he whined to his boyfriend.

She Xiao laughed quietly into the mic, the sound both alluring and intimate. Lin Xigu pressed his ear closer against the phone, his thumb fidgeting against the back of his phone case.

“Have you…been sleeping properly?” She Xiao asked.

“I still can’t sleep,” Lin Xigu grumbled. “Every time I think about you, it keeps me up.”

“Then don’t…think about me.”

Lin Xigu would ask him too, “Are you sleeping well, She Xiao?”

“Yes, very,” She Xiao would say.

Lin Xigu’s face would contort in worry on the other side of the phone, thinking Sleeping well, my ass. You’re so thin that you’re not even pretty anymore.