Chapter 36

The sight of She Xiao’s scarred body had scared Lin Xigu out of his wits. He had never seen so many different scars collected on one body before — there were layers upon layers of flesh that had been burned, whipped, sliced open, and healed over again. The skin underneath She Xiao’s neck was dotted with numerous small circles which Lin Xigu had recognized as cigarette burns.

The injuries confronted Lin Xigu loudly. They were evidence of She Xiao’s experiences — or perhaps “experience” wasn’t the right word. Perhaps they pointed to the reality in which he was still living. Lin Xigu hadn’t realized that he had been holding his breath. He couldn’t comprehend how She Xiao had survived it all. The scars, grisly and cruel, took his breath away and seared his eyes.

The sound of She Xiao closing the door behind him had faded completely before Lin Xigu finally snapped back to his body with a start. He wrenched open the door and sprinted headlong down the stairs but She Xiao had already gone. There was no sign of him anywhere. Lin Xigu called his phone. It rang this time, but She Xiao didn’t answer. 

That was a good sign. It meant that his phone was on, at the very least.

Lin Xigu walked back upstairs and threw himself onto the couch. Ignoring the fact that he was soaked to the bone, he began to text She Xiao. The shy and introverted Lin Xigu had never been so forthcoming before. Diving straight to the point, he fired off his first message:

I’m not scared. I like you.

This text was followed by another in quick succession:

Yes, that kind of ‘like’.

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He never did find out if She Xiao ever made it it to school because he himself did not. It was nearly four in the morning and the sky was starting to brighten when he finally passed out into a deep sleep.

He slept for two days straight.

He had already been showing flu symptoms and on top of that, he had been out in the rain all night and experienced an emotional shock not long after; it was no surprise that his body let him down and developed a fever. For two days, he was barely alert. Zhou-ayi arranged for a home visit so the doctor could give him his shots. Lin Xigu only stayed awake long enough to instruct Zhou-ayi to excuse him from class and to not tell his dad that he was sick.

It was just a normal cold and a short bout of fever, after all. If his dad found out, he would surely put everything on hold to rush back, and he might even tell his mom. Lin Xigu wasn’t seriously ill so he didn’t want his parents to worry. 

Zhou-ayi did not return home and instead stayed by Lin Xigu’s side for two whole days, nursing him back to health. She had been looking after Lin Xigu for more than a year. Although her duties didn’t extend beyond some light cleaning and cooking, Lin Xigu was always polite and well-behaved and she had a soft spot for him.

She was pleased when Lin Xigu finally woke up for good. Clapping him on the arm, she told him, “It’s good that you’re up. I was going to drive you to the hospital if you slept any longer.”

Lin Xigu sipped some water and shook his head. “I’m fine now.”

”I made you some porridge. You can drink it once it cools.” She fetched a wet towel to wipe down Lin Xigu’s face and tested his temperature with the thermometer. 37.6ºC. It was still a little high, but at least his fever had come down.

Lin Xigu’s voice was hoarse. “Ayi, I bet you didn’t get any sleep these past couple of days. I’m okay now. You should hurry home and rest up. You’ve been working too hard.”

”Hey, don’t say that.” She patted him affectionately and took the used towel from his hands. “I’d just be sitting around if I were home anyway. It doesn’t matter to me where I stay.”

Lin Xigu smiled gratefully and didn’t say anything more on the matter. Feeling around himself and the bed, he asked, “Ayi, where’s my phone?”  

“Ah, I saw it outside on the coffee table. I’ll get it for you.”

She Xiao was the very first thought that Lin Xigu had woken up to. He wanted to see him. He had many things that he wanted to say to him. He had been absent from school for two whole days after She Xiao had left his apartment that night — had She Xiao wondered about his sudden disappearance at all? 

He unlocked his phone. There were mountains of missed call notifications and unread text messages. He read through each one, his disappointment growing when he didn’t see She Xiao’s name on the list.

He was starting to regret the two texts he had sent to She Xiao in a fit of passion. He shouldn’t have been so honest about his feelings, without leaving himself any room to backpedal. Any normal person would have probably found such a confession hard to accept. Lin Xigu looked down at his texting app. She Xiao had not texted him in a long time.  

Lin Xigu recalled how they used to text each other every day. Feeling under the weather seemed to make him more susceptible to disappointment.

Some of the texts were from his fellow classmates asking if he was all right. A large number of texts were from Li Balei. She had first texted him two days ago, asking:

Xiao-Xigu, why aren’t you here? You and She Xiao are both MIA? Spill the tea!

Her next text was likely sent after she had asked their teacher about his absence and learned that he was sick.

Sigh. Rest up. You can have my notes later.

She was a rambler and the few texts after that were all over the place. It was obvious that she was worried given the number of times she had asked why he hadn’t texted her back.

Lin Xigu finished reading all of her texts before replying:

I’m okay now. I’ll be back at school tomorrow. Is She Xiao there?

Li Balei replied speedily:

Ah!! You finally replied! I was ready to go kick down your door if you didn’t text back. She Xiao’s here. He was only absent the day before yesterday. Are you feeling any better?

Lin Xigu relaxed a little as he texted her back:

Mostly better now. It wasn’t that serious to begin with. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Li Balei:

See youuuuuuu!!!

Lin Xigu put away his phone and groggily drifted into another nap. When he woke up again that evening, he ate a few spoonfuls of Zhou-ayi’s porridge and got up to take a shower. His fever was gone and he felt less uncomfortable than he did before.

Zhou-ayi had left already. Lin Xigu prepared for the day ahead and prayed that the night would go by quickly. He wanted to see She Xiao as soon as possible.

How would She Xiao react when he saw him? He figured She Xiao would ignore him as always. It wouldn’t be the worst thing if he did. As long as he didn’t outright find him disgusting, Lin Xigu could live with that.

Lin Xigu left the house early the next morning. With a feeling of trepidation, he walked to school with his backpack on his shoulders and She Xiao’s backpack in his arms. The classroom was mostly empty when he arrived. He returned the backpack to She Xiao’s chair before going to sit at his own desk.

There was a stack of assignments on his desk. His tongzhuo had organized everything for him already.

She Xiao showed up at his usual time. When he saw his backpack propped up on his chair, he was momentarily stunned before he turned to look in Lin Xigu’s direction. Lin Xigu had been watching the back door with his gaze glued to She Xiao from the second he walked in. When their eyes met, Lin Xigu was prepared; She Xiao was not.

She Xiao stared at him for a few long seconds before looking away uneasily.

It was only when he saw She Xiao that his untethered heart floated back to earth at last. Although he still couldn’t shake the image of She Xiao’s scars, he felt reassured just by virtue of seeing him standing in one piece before his eyes.

As soon as morning self-study ended, he leapt out of his seat. She Xiao had been getting ready to leave. Lin Xigu plunked down in the seat beside him. She Xiao looked at him and Lin Xigu grinned in a way that showed all of his neat, white teeth. 

She Xiao’s face was inscrutable, which made Lin Xigu seem all the more daft.

“She Xiao!” Lin Xigu called him quietly.

She Xiao continued looking at him. Lin Xigu checked behind his shoulder, left and right, to make sure no one was paying attention before he shuffled closer. In a voice barely above a whisper, he asked, “She Xiao, did you read my texts?”

He had been sick for a few days. His voice still sounded scratchy.

However, his eyes were incredibly bright. He looked at She Xiao timidly, filled with hope and apprehension.

She Xiao had been staring right into his eyes. For some inexplicable reason, he nodded.

Lin Xigu’s heart was instantly roused to a lively rhythm. His eyes widened and the corners of his lips gradually turned up. She Xiao’s nod had given him the courage he needed. With a smile in his voice, he said hoarsely, “Well, I was telling the truth.”

Lin Xigu didn’t realize just how hypnotic the slight rasp in his voice was.

She Xiao still did not say anything. It was impossible to tell what he was feeling from the expression on his face. Lin Xigu did not back down. He took a deep breath and, leaning in close, continued in a small voice, “I’m not scared. I… like you.”

She Xiao’s eyelashes trembled once.

The note clutched in Lin Xigu’s hand was slightly damp with sweat. He grabbed She Xiao’s hand, stuffed the note in it and ran away. 

She Xiao opened the note and looked at it.

Lin Xigu had taken calligraphy lessons when he was little. His handwriting was impeccable. The note read:

— She Xiao-gege, can I please move back? I want to sit beside you.

The pair of puppy eyes drawn underneath would have melted anyone’s heart.