Chapter 31

T/W: Mention of child abuse

The man cursed and stormed out, slamming the door behind him.

Even through the phone, Lin Xigu could feel the door reverberating in his eardrums. Then, there was nothing but dead silence.

Lin Xigu was afraid.

His throat constricted around his words until he could barely speak. He cleared his throat a few times. “She Xiao,” he called.

He heard the sound of fabric rustling, followed by She Xiao’s quizzical reply. “Mn?”

The tears dropped without forewarning the moment he heard She Xiao’s voice. He didn’t even realize he’d had tears in his eyes. Why had the sound of his voice been enough to make him cry?

Lin Xigu sniffed forcefully and clutched his phone with both hands. “Are you hurt? Are you okay? Where are you? Can I please come find you?”

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Those four little words — ”cut up your tongue” — sent pain whispering through even the gaps between his bones.

Exactly what kind of life was She Xiao living?

---

At the crack of dawn the next day, Lin Xigu walked down to the intersection to wait. He had hardly slept the night before. Every time he closed his eyes, he was haunted by visions of his own imagination. Those few sentences he had heard over the phone had given him too much to think about.

He thought about She Xiao as a small child screaming and struggling in the bathtub. Under what circumstances had his tongue been cut? How scared must he have been?

Lin Xigu’s thoughts tore at his heart until it was numb.

She Xiao appeared much earlier than he had expected. Lin Xigu glanced down at his watch. No wonder he hadn’t run into him in the mornings. She Xiao must have been leaving that early every day. 

She Xiao slowed down when he saw him approaching. Lin Xigu ran over, looking him up and down and checking for fresh injuries. He very nearly willed his feet to keep moving until he was close enough to hug him tight, but didn’t dare act on any of those thoughts.

”Good morning, She Xiao.” Lin Xigu smiled at him, adding softly, “I would still like to walk with you.”

She Xiao briefly glanced at him before continuing his walk, ignoring him completely.

She Xiao’s cold expression used to weigh him down with feelings of rejection, but he no longer cared about that. All he wanted was to see She Xiao in front of him, alive and well.

All he wanted was for She Xiao to be safe.

She Xiao did not want to speak to him so Lin Xigu kept his mouth shut. Although he never said a word, he persisted in walking by She Xiao’s side in the mornings.

Until, one day, She Xiao said, “Can you… stop following me. You annoy me.”

“Oh…” It was all Lin Xigu could say.

He blinked, biting his lip and nodded once.

She Xiao said he was annoyed.

---

From that day on, Lin Xigu became She Xiao’s little tail on his way to school, maintaining a distance of 20 metres at all times between them. He would pace around the compound, waiting, and would only step out onto the street a few minutes after She Xiao had walked past.

He used to revel at the sight of him. He used to think She Xiao was the most beautiful person in the world, even from the back, unrivalled by anyone else.

Seeing She Xiao now still filled him with the same wonder. He still thought that he was beautiful, but those thoughts had been overshadowed by heartache. His eyes burned to see even the slightest of scratches on his body.

Lin Xigu ran into Li Balei at the school’s main gates. She had also noticed She Xiao walking by himself. “What’s going on with you two?” She whispered.

Lin Xigu shook his head. “Nothing.”

“Then why haven’t you moved back yet? Did Shanzi and I spend all that time scheming for nothing? I even wore two pairs of lifts to sit with you all!” Li Balei had been there when She Xiao had blocked Lin Xigu from moving back. She thought for a moment, then asked, “So what’s the issue then? Is he bullying you?”

“Not at all.” Lin Xigu smiled wistfully. “That’s just how he is. I guess he thinks I talk too much.”

“Shut up, he thinks you talk too much?” A look of disbelief flashed across Li Balei’s face. “You’re quiet enough as it is. He needs an attitude adjustment. Shanzi and I haven’t talked to him either, not that it matters; he’d just ignore us anyway. Isn’t that guy plugged up from never talking to anyone?”

Lin Xigu looked over at She Xiao, still smiling. “If he doesn’t want to talk, then he doesn’t have to.”

Li Balei felt indignant to see Lin Xigu like this. She was convinced that She Xiao was bullying him and that Lin Xigu was simply too nice to stop people from walking all over him. And besides, Lin Xigu had gone ballistic in front of everyone at her party for She Xiao’s sake, but She Xiao had just snobbishly decided to stop being his tongzhuo?

He really was the worst.

After sitting down at his desk, the girl who normally sat beside him handed him an envelope and told him that it had been on his desk that morning. He thanked her and opened it. 

He felt self-conscious after reading the letter, which turned out to be a love confession.

Confession letters were not that common anymore. Most people usually found ways to get their crush’s number instead so that they could shoot their shot in a text message. The letter was a little mushy but the handwriting was neat. There was no signature. Lin Xigu placed the letter back in its envelope and stuck it in between the pages of his textbook before stuffing everything back into his backpack.

He hadn’t kept the letter for any particular reason. Perhaps it was his way of respecting its writer’s feelings. He didn’t have to accept their confession, but he couldn’t trample on their feelings, whether intentionally or not. The least he could do was dispose of it at home instead of tossing it into the nearest trash bin. 

“Lin Xigu, you’re blushing,” his tongzhuo teased. 

There was nothing Lin Xigu could do other than smile. “I’m pretty slow when it comes to this stuff. I haven’t received many letters like it before, so I guess I’m feeling a little awkward.” 

“You’re too modest.” His tongzhuo sidled up to him and asked in a suggestive tone, “So who was it from?”

Even girls at the top of their class like to gossip, huh? He shook his head. “I don’t know.”

His tongzhuo gave him a knowing look. “It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me. I was just asking. Anyway, it’s probably best if you keep it to yourself.”

Lin Xigu didn’t explain further as he grabbed his thermos to fill up with hot water¹ Hot water is usually preferred to cold water for regular consumption since hot water is considered healthier for your stomach and digestive system. Hot water dispensers are as ubiquitous in China as cold water fountains in any other country (which also makes it easy to refill your tea!) . “Need a refill?” He asked his tongzhuo.  

“Sure, thank ya.”

Lin Xigu stood, clutching three bottles in his hands. His eyes would aways gravitate towards She Xiao out of habit whenever he stood up. This time, when he turned, his eyes met She Xiao’s. She Xiao was watching him.

Lin Xigu’s heart suddenly clenched.

She Xiao’s head was resting on his desk and the look in his eyes was so obviously devoid of emotion, so why did he feel a pang of pity all the same?

Lin Xigu quickly smiled at him, his eyes curving as he kept his smile sweet and friendly. He knew that She Xiao wouldn’t reciprocate, but a smile was at least better than staring at each other with the same steely expression. 

She Xiao turned his head so that he was facing the window instead.

Lin Xigu was struck by a horrifying thought as he was refilling the bottles and nearly burned his hand.

Oh no, oh no, oh no, had She Xiao seen him put the confession letter in his backpack earlier? What if he had misunderstood? 

Then he remembered that She Xiao wouldn’t care even if he had seen him keep the letter. Lin Xigu smiled wryly. It was probably because She Xiao had discovered his perverse little crush that he hated him so much now. Perhaps if She Xiao had misunderstood, he could be convinced that Lin Xigu was “normal”, and maybe then, he would hate him a little less.

Lin Xigu walked back to class and stopped in front of She Xiao, placing one of the water bottles down on his desk.

She Xiao’s head was still turned to the window, away from him. Lin Xigu bent down and said quietly, “The bottle’s new. The air’s pretty dry in the spring. You should drink some water; your lips are cracking.”

She Xiao did not move.

Li Balei turned and pursed her lips, nailing him with a look of disdain. Why was he even bothering to lower himself for someone who ignored him? She was concerned by his behaviour. 

Lin Xigu smiled like it was nothing. He patted her head as he walked by. 

Li Balei shook her head like a tambourine and made a face at Lin Xigu. 

---

High school students had basically no civil rights. They were only given an afternoon off for the Qingming Festival²清明节: Literally “Pure Brightness Festival”. A Chinese holiday which takes place in the spring. on the first day of the fifth solar term. Common traditions on this day include sweeping the tombs of one’s ancestors and spending time in nature. which was practically nothing. And while everyone else got the week off for May Day³May Day, or International Workers’ Day, takes place on May 1st and is a celebration of working class labourers that is observed by the international labour movement around the world. , they were only granted two and a half days, after which their evening self-study sessions were set to begin. They were given an hour-long break to eat dinner after their afternoon classes ended, and then it was back to the classroom to study until 10 PM.

Lin Xigu skipped town to stay with his dad over the May break. His dad had originally wanted to plan a getaway vacation, but with only two and a half extra days, driving there and back alone would have eaten up most of the trip. 

“Kids are expected to do too much nowadays,” his dad commented over breakfast. “You’re at school from 7 till 10 every day, and that’s not counting the time you spend walking to and from school. When will you ever have time to sleep?”

“It’s not that bad,” Lin Xigu said. “Everyone goes through it.”

Looking at his dad, Lin Xigu recalled his childhood and the way he had been raised. He knew that his dad had his own reasons for staying out of the dating scene for so long. Lin Qiurong was afraid that introducing a stepmom into his son’s life would make him uncomfortable or otherwise negatively impact his well-being. Lin Xigu understood those reasons well.

Those few words he’d heard over the phone remained etched in his mind. Did that voice belong to She Xiao’s father? The one they had bumped into at the ski resort?

Back then, She Xiao’s immediate reaction had been to pull Lin Xigu away from the man, using half of his body to shield Lin Xigu from view. It was no wonder that he had reacted that way, that his first instinct to being touched was always to fight back. 

Lin Xigu lost his appetite completely.

“What’s wrong? Why’s my son’s little face so glum so early in the morning?” His dad asked. 

Lin Xigu hesitated before asking, “Ba, question for you… how do you stop someone from beating their kids?”

His dad stiffened and set his chopsticks down on the table. “Who beat you? Was it that fellow your mom married… Jack? He hit you?”

Lin Xigu quickly shook his head. “What the heck, Dad! Why would he hit me? He’s a nice man. I’m asking a serious question here. Stop bringing me into everything.”

His dad sighed in relief and picked up his chopsticks again. “Ah, well, I thought you were talking about yourself. Why do you ask if no one’s hitting you?”

“Just curious,” Lin Xigu said.

His dad thought for a moment. “No one can stop them — tough luck for anyone who finds themselves in that situation. Their only recourse would be if someone from their family could step in. But if even the family is helpless to do anything, there’s little that anyone else can do.”

Lin Xigu’s heart sank. “So there’s nothing that can be done?”

“There are many things that can be done, but the outcome is usually the same. You see it on the news all the time. How many of those stories ever end well? It just is what it is. Count your blessings that I’ve never hit you. From the time you were born, you’ve always been the one hitting me. Why do you ask?”

Lin Xigu bowed his head, staring down at the glass of milk in his hands. His heart was so heavy that he could barely breathe. 

A long time passed before he opened his mouth, his voice sombre as he said, “I was born in heaven. I’ve never known hell.”