Chapter 30

T/W: Graphic descriptions of domestic violence

How did he get so thin.

Lin Xigu’s heart was instantly yanked into his throat and torn in two directions. There was the excitement of She Xiao’s sudden reappearance, but also the worry and heartache at seeing the ashen complexion in She Xiao’s face, his cheeks gaunt and hollow.

She Xiao’s eyes slid to his. The two of them stared at each other from across the room for many long seconds. 

When Lin Xigu turned his head, his eyes were red.

He had missed She Xiao so much.

And now he was back without giving him any time to prepare himself mentally. He couldn’t control the lump forming in his throat. 

Lin Xigu didn’t hear a single word of the lecture. He copied down each point mechanically as if on autopilot, but his train of thought had long since run off the tracks. The boy he had been longing to see was sitting behind him somewhere in the back of the room. He wondered if She Xiao was taking notes too, or if he was looking at him. 

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For five minutes, Lin Xigu stood where he was, leaning against his new tongzhuo‘s desk and not wanting to say anything. The young boy that he was didn’t know how to process these emotions, couldn’t think his way out of the bittersweet symphony inside of him. An overwhelming sense of rejection enveloped him like a storm cloud. 

Li Balei walked over to him and asked, “Lin Xigu, what’s wrong?”

Lin Xigu looked at her and shook his head.

Li Balei patted his shoulder and walked back to her desk. Lin Xigu sighed. I don’t know what’s wrong with me either. 

She Xiao returned with three minutes left in the break. He walked back to his seat with his hands in his pockets and sat down. Lin Xigu clenched his fists a few times, making up his mind. He made a neat pile of the books that he needed and took a deep breath. Then he started walking towards the back of the room.

He had only walked halfway when he saw She Xiao taking his backpack off the back of his chair and throwing it onto the empty chair next to him.

Lin Xigu stopped in his tracks, staring blankly with his arms still full of books.

That was his chair. 

But She Xiao had put his bag on it. 

Lin Xigu forced himself to walk over to him. He called his name quietly, “She Xiao.”

Li Balei and Fang Xiaoshan had conspired to sit together ahead of time and their plan had actually succeeded. They were sitting in front of She Xiao again. Hearing Lin Xigu’s voice, they both turned to look at him. Li Balei was particularly concerned. She could tell from Lin Xigu’s expression that he was upset.

She Xiao looked up at him. There was not a single shred of emotion on his face. Lin Xigu looked him in the eyes and asked in a low voice, “She Xiao, do you not want me to sit here anymore?”

She Xiao looked back at him for a few seconds. He didn’t answer as he broke his gaze and turned his head to the window instead. It had snowed the day before, and the world outside was starkly white.

That was the only conversation they would have for a long time. And it had been a one-sided conversation at that. 

Lin Xigu lost the right to move back to his old desk in the second last row. There was no one waiting to walk home with him after school anymore. She Xiao always walked off as soon as school let out for the day. Lin Xigu would follow behind him on the walk home but She Xiao never gave him so much as a backward glance.

Lin Xigu stared at She Xiao’s back. He supposed he was content that he could still see him on these walks. In the beginning, he had felt sad and wronged, unsure of how or why their relationship had changed so much. He blamed everything on that stupid text he’d sent. 

He had been angry and he had mourned. And then… acceptance.

Unrequited love was always a bitter thing to stomach; this was completely normal. Lin Xigu comforted himself with the fact that he could at least see She Xiao every day. It was better than not seeing him at all. 

Without She Xiao, Lin Xigu stopped going home for lunch. He would cobble together a lunch from the cafeteria or order takeout instead. Occasionally, he would bump into She Xiao in the hallways, but the icy expression on his face always scared Lin Xigu away from trying to speak to him.

It was as though he had been thrown back in time to those early days when he had first transferred to that school. He could only sneak glances at She Xiao, not daring to speak to him.

---

“Hey!” Lin Xigu was walking home when he felt someone clap him on the shoulder.

He looked over and smiled. “What a coincidence.”

“Yup, I needed to pick up a few things from the store. You know you’re taking the long way around, right? The road in front of our compound will take you straight to school.” Xie Yang threw his arm around Lin Xigu’s shoulder as he made friendly conversation. 

“I know,” Lin Xigu said. “I prefer this route though. Maybe because there are a lot of trees. Seeing them makes me happy.”

“You’re a weird one. As long as you’re not tired.” Xie Yang patted Lin Xigu’s head jokingly. 

They had become good friends. Xie Yang lived alone as well and he sometimes showed up at Lin Xigu’s door to play video games, armed with snacks. 

“What are you doing for dinner?” Xie Yang asked him.

“Zhou-ayi”s coming to cook. You? Do you have plans already? If not, you’re welcome to eat at my place. It’s more food than I can eat anyways.”

“Never mind then, I was thinking I’d invite you up for dinner. My friend’s coming over tonight,” Xie Yang smiled.

Chatting idly, they had arrived at the front gates in what felt like no time at all. Lin Xigu looked off into the distance. She Xiao had already turned the corner, out of view.

Another day gone without speaking to each other. 

Lin Xigu bid Xie Yang goodbye and returned home. He opened the door, took off his shoes, showered, and put on a fresh set of clothes. 

The whole routine took about half an hour, and then he sat down to eat dinner and write his homework.

Every day was the same. He never found it monotonous before because he would spend most of his time either texting She Xiao or waiting for him to reply. Time always seemed to fly by back then. Now, it was like time had almost stopped completely. The nights crawled by.

Lin Xigu found a random vintage Japanese film to watch. He lost interest halfway through the movie. Just as he was debating whether to stick it out a little longer before turning in early, there came a loud crash from overhead. 

It sounded as though something had been smashed.

Lin Xigu felt around for his phone and immediately sent Xie Yang a text:

What was that?

Xie Yang didn’t reply to him, so Lin Xigu set his phone aside and assumed it was nothing. After a while, he heard another crash. It was significantly louder this time, accompanied by the sound of shattering glass. The floors were soundproofed but he had heard it anyway.

Lin Xigu hesitated, then put on his shoes and went upstairs to investigate. 

He didn’t bother taking the elevator since it was only one floor up. As he exited the stairwell, he happened to see a man leaving Xie Yang’s apartment. The man’s hair was wet, his clothes disheveled. When he saw Lin Xigu, he paused, then started to shut the door behind him. Lin Xigu stopped him. “Don’t close it. I’m looking for Xie Yang.”

The man shot him a quick glance and strode past him into the open elevator.

Lin Xigu walked through the door. The state of the apartment made him gawp. “Xie Yang?” He called tentatively.

Xie Yang’s voice came from one of the bedrooms, sounding slightly lifeless. “In here.”

The coffee table was overturned on its side, the glass top shattered completely. Lin Xigu carefully picked his way through the broken glass and made his way to the bedroom where he found Xie Yang lying on the ground, wearing nothing but a pair of shorts and a moody expression. 

“What happened to you?” Lin Xigu asked.

“Warring, fighting, the usual.” Xie Yang curved his lips at him.

Lin Xigu didn’t want to pry. He helped him into a sitting position and asked, “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“No. He wouldn’t touch me even if I f*cking begged him to hit me.” Xie Yang smiled wryly. “Sorry. Did I wake you?”

“Wasn’t sleeping.” Lin Xigu sat beside him on the floor. 

Lin Xigu hadn’t wanted to ask. He had never been the type to pry into others’ business, but Xie Yang volunteered the details first. “That was my… uncle.”

“Yeah?” Lin Xigu looked at him.

“He’s eight years older than me, and my dad’s youngest brother. This apartment is his. Everything I have belongs to him. Everything belongs to him, except for me.”

“Ah,” Lin Xigu said, to show that he understood. 

“You ran into him just now, didn’t you? What did you think? Hot, right?” Xie Yang asked Lin Xigu.

Lin Xigu said, “I didn’t notice.”

Xie Yang looked down and chuckled quietly to himself. 

Lin Xigu sat with him a while longer before going back downstairs. He didn’t know how to comfort people, and it was apparent that he had walked in on an awkward situation. It was surprising that Xie Yang, who always had a smile on his face, could be so explosive when he was in a temper. He’d even smashed the coffee table.

Lin Xigu suddenly remembered standing on the main floor of the instructional building, watching She Xiao pummel a boy solidly into the ground. 

He washed up and lay in bed. She Xiao’s bloodshot eyes were right there behind his eyelids.

He missed She Xiao. He missed the way She Xiao said “mn” in his low, gravelly voice. He missed She Xiao’s cold fingertips, and the gentle way he beheld him with his eyes.

His phone rang under his pillow, an incoming call. Lin Xigu fished it out and glanced at the screen, then froze completely. 

It was She Xiao.

He had been under the impression that She Xiao had already deactivated his number; after all, his calls never connected. What could She Xiao possibly want this late at night?

His hands trembled as he swiped up and answered cautiously, “She Xiao?”

No one spoke. All he could hear was one loud thud followed by another, and another, and the screech of a chair being dragged across the floor.

Lin Xigu’s brows knitted together. “She Xiao? What’s happening?”

Whatever was happening on the other end was total chaos, the noise cutting in and out of the speaker. Lin Xigu didn’t hang up and instead pressed his phone closer to his ear, his heart gradually being hoisted up on tenterhooks. 

It sounded like… a fight.

She Xiao must have dialled his phone by accident. Lin Xigu didn’t have time to ponder the ifs and hows, he could only pray silently for She Xiao’s safety. 

“You good-for-nothing mongrel! I shoulda done it! I should have f*cking drowned you when I had the chance! You were flailing like a drowned rat. I knew I shouldn’t have let go! Shoulda choked the living daylights outta ya…” A man snarled through the phone, panting heavily. 

He was interrupted by the sound of another thud. 

Lin Xigu clenched the phone until his knuckles turned white. His heart was beating violently against his ribcage. 

A few minutes later, the same man’s voice returned, still breathing heavily. “You really think you’re… you dare hit me… you f*cker… you really think you’re… a man now, eh? Not scared of me cutting… cutting up your tongue again?”

The mic was too far away and muffled by layers of clothing. Lin Xigu had to strain his ears to catch the words. But even the few sentences – or rather, sounds – that he could hear were enough to make his blood run cold.

The blood had drained from Lin Xigu’s lips. His hands were shaking so much that he could hardly grip the phone.