Chapter 18

“Mama, stop worrying. Why are you so alarmed?” Lin Xigu laughed. He was lying on his back, his phone raised above his face. On the screen, his mother’s face was creased in worry. “Nothing bad’s going to happen to me. Relax.”

“How can I possibly relax? You were sick with a fever, and now your love life’s taking off? You’re going to put me in an early grave.” Ji Qiong gave a long sigh. Her son was on the other side of the world. No matter how much she worried from afar, it was never going to be the same as having him by her side.

Lin Xigu laughed, cheerfully unconcerned. He rolled over so that he was now lying on his stomach. “I wouldn’t exactly call it ‘taking off’. All I said was that he bought me cold medicine. Do you think the social climate here is the same as where you live? I reckon he’d beat me to death if I told him I was gay. Don’t worry, your son’s not going to be in a relationship any time soon. I’d be taken for a freak if word got out.”

“Shoo now, don’t say things like that, you hear?” His mom was still frowning, her expression serious. “Other people say that because they’re small-minded, but you are not allowed to say that about yourself. You need to understand that there is nothing wrong with you. You have the freedom to be who you are. Nobody has the right to tell you differently.”

Lin Xigu blinked, his heart warm as he acquiesced, “I know. Thank you, Mama. Thank you for understanding me.”

“There’s no need to thank me. Just don’t give me any more reasons to worry.” The conviction in her words had been primarily injected for her son’s comfort. In truth, it was a difficult thing for mothers to fully accept. She had met plenty of people who were gay, but by the same token, had met others whose lives were in total disarray. It was impossible for her not to worry.

”Definitely. I will keep you posted on whatever happens. I won’t hide anything from you.”

Lin Xigu ended the call and buried his face in his pillow. He was heartened to have such tolerant parents. Although their time together was limited, they always tried their best to understand him, and that kind of understanding was hard to come by.

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This time, Lin Xigu did not receive the expected one-word reply and instead was surprised with something better as She Xiao replied a few minutes later. 

What is it?

Lin Xigu held his phone, smiling like a fool. Those three words were perfect; they set the stage for him to keep texting. 

What are you doing right now?

Lin Xigu chewed his lip as he lightly tapped ‘send’.

Had he overstepped with that question? Was She Xiao going to ignore him? They had grown closer lately, and Lin Xigu frequently experienced the urge to nudge the boundaries, just a little.

He wanted to know just how much of himself She Xiao was willing to accept.

His phone vibrated. Lin Xigu smiled as he opened the message and read what She Xiao had replied.

Daydreaming.

Daydreaming! Lin Xigu clutched his phone to his chest as he rolled around on his bed. Why was that word so darn cute when used on She Xiao? A daydreaming She Xiao — the mental image was delightful.

He had to stop thinking about him. At this rate, he was not going to be able to lie down for his noontime nap.

Lin Xigu did not send any more texts for fear of interrupting She Xiao’s daydreams. He napped sweetly, holding his phone, and his heart still felt like honey when he woke two hours later.

Weekends were truly the worst. It was aggravating, not being able to see She Xiao.

After suffering through the weekend, Lin Xigu woke early on Monday morning and went downstairs to wait, buoyant with anticipation. He waited for twenty minutes without seeing any sign of She Xiao gracing the intersection ahead.

He checked the time. Something wasn’t right. She Xiao had never been late before and it was already ten minutes past the time he normally appeared. If he didn’t show up soon, they were going to be late for school…

He hesitantly pulled up She Xiao’s number on his phone and procrastinated for five minutes more before he called.

The line rang until it disconnected with no answer.

Lin Xigu’s brow furrowed. He had no idea what was going on and could only hope that She Xiao had forgotten that it was Monday and was still sleeping. 

He stepped into class at the very same moment the bell rang. Sitting alone, he sat for an entire morning without seeing the person he had been waiting to see. He had no appetite for lunch by the time morning classes ended. Instead, he tried calling She Xiao’s number again. 

The two of them had texted quite a lot but they had never spoken on the phone before; in the past, Lin Xigu had been too afraid to call, too afraid that She Xiao would refuse to pick up. He should have been nervous as the phone rang but he was so preoccupied with She Xiao’ absence that he had put the nervousness from his mind.

Lin Xigu figured he was going to be up all night if he did not see or hear from She Xiao before the end of the day. 

Fortunately, She Xiao appeared at noon.

Lin Xigu had been sprawled on the desk, staring at his phone with a frown of intense concentration. When he heard footsteps stopping in front of him, he looked up and abruptly sat upright at the sight of She Xiao.

“She Xiao!” Lin Xigu called him in a small voice.

”Mn.” She Xiao acknowledged.

“Where did you go this morning?” Lin Xigu quickly made room for She Xiao. “I called your phone but there was no answer.”

She Xiao sat, replying “I didn’t have it.”

Lin Xigu wanted to say something else but he couldn’t get the sentences out. His eyes lingered on She Xiao’s left hand for a long time before he at last turned his head away, laying it down on the table without another word.

She Xiao’s hand was wrapped in bandages, with his ring finger set in a plaster cast. He could spot dried blood clinging to his other fingers that were still visible through the dressings.

His hand used to be so elegant.

Lin Xigu was heartbroken beyond words.

He thought of the wound circling She Xiao’s neck which had looked nightmarish in comparison. The scabs had dried and it had healed, but it would be a long time before that faint white scar finally disappeared.

He couldn’t understand why She Xiao was always injured. There was rage, too, mixed in with the heartache, which made Lin Xigu reluctant to say one more word on the matter. He didn’t want to ask the reason either.

She Xiao glanced at him but could only see the rounded plum that was the back of Lin Xigu’s head. He turned away. After a while, he peered at Lin Xigu again.

For the rest of the afternoon, Lin Xigu was careful to avert his eyes from She Xiao’s left hand. He couldn’t bear to see that hand, couldn’t bear to see it trussed up like that. And then to see She Xiao struggling to write with a single hand, the paper slipping underneath his pen and a brooding frown on his face … Lin Xigu felt as though someone had punched his heart full of holes. The ache was relentless. 

After Lin Xigu finished copying down the assignments for the day, he tore the sheet from his notebook and slapped it down on She Xiao’s desk without a single word. She Xiao briefly looked over the list before folding it and placing it between the pages of his notebook. With one hand out of commission, he had to do everything with his right hand, making most tasks seem arduous.

He couldn’t even zip up his backpack.

Lin Xigu bit down on his bottom lip. At last, he reached out, frowning, and lightly tapped She Xiao’s right hand. She Xiao shifted out of the way and Lin Xigu tugged the zipper shut for him.

They did not speak during that interaction, the silence continuing well into their walk home. The atmosphere was subdued with Lin Xigu occasionally tilting his head to look at She Xiao’s face, taking care to avoid looking at his hand.

Every time She Xiao felt Lin Xigu eyeing him, he would turn and meet his gaze. His expression was level, and the way he looked at Lin Xigu was serene and gentle. Lin Xigu couldn’t understand how or why a person with such gentleness in his eyes would always put himself in such a state.

They were at the halfway point of their walk. Lin Xigu couldn’t live with having ignored She Xiao all day, seeing as he wouldn’t see him again that night. “What happened to your hand?” He mumbled sullenly. 

She Xiao answered immediately, his voice low. “Broke it.”

Broke it. Although he had already seen the answer for himself, Lin Xigu still felt a pang in his chest to hear it said so plainly. After all, the nerves of the fingers are linked with the heart…  It must have hurt a lot.

With his hand in his pocket, he fidgeted with his knuckles, rubbing his thumb over them. His next question was also mumbled. “You’ve been fighting again? Or did you do it to yourself this time too?”

She Xiao thought for a moment, then shook his head.

Lin Xigu waited, but She Xiao gave no further details after that. He knew that She Xiao did not want to explain.

“I’m almost home.” Lin Xigu sighed and dropped the subject as he looked towards She Xiao. “Be careful with that hand. Don’t bump into anything. Pay close attention when you shower.”

She Xiao nodded.

Lin Xigu said “mn”, then looked down at his feet and said nothing else. 

The intersection was where they usually parted ways, with She Xiao continuing straight and Lin Xigu turning. Lin Xigu waved and turned to leave, but She Xiao’s right hand unexpectedly reached out and caught him by the wrist.

Lin Xigu froze, and turned to look at She Xiao.

She Xiao’s hand had his wrist in a gentle grasp. Lin Xigu distinctly felt his heart starting to riot in his chest. 

She Xiao looked as though he had something to say but his mouth remained shut. He lightly furrowed his brow as he moved his hand lower until he was holding Lin Xigu’s hand. 

!!!!

Lin Xigu looked down in disbelief and stared at She Xiao’s hand in his. They were holding hands! She Xiao’s hand had slipped down from his wrist, little by little, and now She Xiao’s thumb was resting against the back of his hand!

Oh my god!!!!!

She Xiao’s hand was so pale, and that perfect hand was resting in the palm of his hand. It was too much to process; Lin Xigu’s was experiencing a full-system meltdown deep within his core.

The two of them were now facing each other, both frozen in place. She Xiao was holding back words, his brow raised. Lin Xigu’s face was aflame, his eyes round as coins as he looked back at She Xiao. He felt an itch in his nose and didn’t know whether he was going to develop a nosebleed in the next second.

She Xiao finger danced on the knuckle of Lin Xigu’s ring finger. “It’s broken here,” he said.

“What?” Lin Xigu’s brain had short-circuited. It was purely decorative now, and completely incapable of thought. “Broken… what’s… broken?”

She Xiao squeezed his knuckle again. Looking at him intently, he repeated, “It’s broken here. Chair got smashed. My hand… was in the way.”

“Your hand was in the way… what chair?”

Lin Xigu could see She Xiao’s lips moving but the processor in his brain was frozen. Every last nerve ending in his body had crowded into that hand. He could even feel his fingers trembling.

He was overexcited. And utterly discomposed.

He was going to die.

His beautiful tongzhuo was holding his hand. Regardless of the reason, Lin Xigu felt that his hand had just become the most precious part of his body.

What should I do? My fingers are shaking! She Xiao’s hand is so cold. I can’t control the urge to hold his hand. What should I do?

Should I hold his hand too? Maybe just a little?

”Are you… listening?” She Xiao asked, frowning.

She Xiao is dismayed. Lin Xigu finally managed to give some form of reaction as he nodded. “I listened.”

She Xiao’s frown deepened. He opened his mouth a few times as if to speak but said nothing in the end as he loosened his grip and walked off.

Lin Xigu gradually came back to his senses only after She Xiao had completely disappeared from view. He blinked as he lowered his head to look at his own hands, and gently gave them a squeeze.

The faintly cool sensation of She Xiao’s hand still lingered.

Ah!!!!

Lin Xigu vigorously bounced in place several times, each jump exceptionally high. He sprinted into the compound, and ran up the stairs until he arrived home where he immediately threw himself onto his bed. His heart was still pounding, each beat forcefully reverberating through his chest.

He pressed his hands to his face and curled up on his side.

He liked him so much – so, so much.

With all his heart… he liked him a lot.