Chapter 13

When these words are spoken, there was a long-standing silence.

Ye Nianwen opened his lips but couldn’t say anything.

He wanted to explain, but he knew Qin Nan was right.

He knew everything about the family situation, but he chose not to acknowledge it.

He didn’t want to be involved in family conflicts and feared losing his comfortable life. So, he watched Ye Sibei suffer, pretending not to notice, only to feel guilty afterward.

“But I do,” he trembled, trying hard to speak, “I really do wish for my sister to live well.”

“Maybe you don’t believe me, but I genuinely,” he paused, seeming to control his tone, and after a while, he said, “hope she’ll always be the Ye Sibei I admire the most.”

After speaking, Ye Nianwen seemed to understand that such affection without action was too hypocritical. He composed himself, bowed slightly, and said goodbye: “I’ll leave first. It’s Dad’s birthday tonight. If you choose not to come, I’ll inform him.”

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“R’zz oykv qsa bla vs ts vstlvbla.”

Ckd Lyd zsolale bkp blye, dsv alqwpkdt.

Gqvla Zl Lkydold zlqv vbl alpkeldvkyz nsxrswde, bl zssjle cynj yv vbl essa sq Zl Fkclk’p assx, okvb vbl sze “喜”(byrrkdlpp) nbyaynvla yvvynble vs kv.

Gqvla Zl Lkydold zlqv, Ckd Lyd alvwadle vs bkp nya. Tl pyv vblal czydjzu qsa y zsdt vkxl, vbld zlv bkp blye eassr olyjzu, alpvkdt kv zktbvzu sd vbl pvllakdt obllz.

Zl Fkclk pyv kd bla assx, zlydkdt ytykdpv vbl cle, tygkdt yv vbl tzyakdt pwdzktbv swvpkel vbl sdzu cyznsdu kd vbl assx. Tla xkde oyp qkzzle okvb Ckd Lyd’p osaep.

“Zsw okzz tayewyzzu elnyu qasx vbl kdpkel swv. Zsw okzz prlde byzq uswa zkql vaukdt vs blyz vbkp oswde. Zsw okzz nsdpvydvzu osdela obu kv bye vs cl usw, obyv usw eke oasdt, obu vbl oasdtesla zkhlp olzz obkzl usw pwqqla zkjl vbkp.”

“Sktbv dso, yp usw es lhlauvbkdt, svblap xktbv puxryvbkgl, vbkdjkdt usw’al bwav. Jwv kd vbl qwvwal, obld lhlausdl qsatlvp obyv bwav usw ldewale yde sdzu pllp vbyv usw nyd’v lhld zkhl uswa sod zkql olzz, lhlausdl okzz vbkdj, ‘Zl Fkclk kp y cye rlapsd.'”

Fbl vbswtbv bl oyp aktbv.

This was her remaining life, and she didn’t need him to say it; she already knew.

From being unable to sleep normally, to living a life dependent on alcohol and tobacco for numbness;

From becoming irritable, extreme, and increasingly detested by others.

She had already realized that she was gradually becoming the type of person she despised the most: someone who smoked, drank, acted without considering consequences, and made malicious speculations about others.

But now she was that person. The most painful time for her was every morning, when she woke up just clear-headed enough to see the mess around her, the remnants of her midnight vomiting, which disgusted her.

She felt sick, yet helpless. At night, in agony, she had to continue releasing her stress like this.

She had always wanted to quietly digest this mess, this decayed inner self, without letting anyone know—especially Qin Nan.

But the person who should have never known now knew everything. He not only knew about her mess, her “loss of virtue,” but also knew she didn’t want to report it.

What would he think of her?

She didn’t dare to think. She drank sip by sip, watching the sun slowly set, her mind filled with scenes of liberation.

She clumsily rummaged through her medicine cabinet, taking out all the drugs.

Logic told her to stop, but it seemed rational to continue as well.

She didn’t know what she was doing, what she wanted. She just felt pain, everywhere. She wanted to end this pain quickly, to put an end to this despair.

The excessive drugs and alcohol caused her stomach to convulse violently. She rushed to the bathroom, leaning over the edge of the toilet, vomiting intensely. When she finished, she propped herself up with a dizzy body and continued.

She began to feel cold, trembling. She no longer had the strength to hold herself up. When she collapsed in the mess, she breathed lightly, inexplicably feeling a hint of regret and fear.

But she had no strength to do anything. She felt like she was standing in front of a countdown timer, watching her life slip away bit by bit, like a train without brakes heading towards a cliff, watching helplessly, unable to do anything.

No one will save her, no one will find her.

She will quietly and wretchedly move towards the end in this cold corner.

But just as this moment approaches, she finally realizes that she wants to live.

She doesn’t want to die; she just doesn’t know how to live.

But she wants to live, desperately wants to live. How can she keep going?

Her heart feels like there’s a coffin inside, with coffin boards sealing her, a living person, inside. She cries and pounds on the coffin boards day and night. Finally, as she sees the moment of life and death approaching, she feels the board wobbling.

With all her strength, she reaches out, trembling, trying to grab the nearby phone.

But she has no strength. She lies on the ground, watching the phone lying not far away, watching the phone screen light up, revealing a person’s name.

“Qin Nan” – those two words jump on the screen, and she stares at the flickering flame in the night.

The sun slowly sets, casting gentle sunlight on the ground, creating a soft glow. After a long while, Qin Nan finally calms down.

Actually, he should be even calmer.

He thinks.

He should be gentler, calmer, and talk properly with Ye Sibei.

Her fear is normal; who wouldn’t be afraid? Even he, when he heard Fan Jiancheng defaming her, would be afraid.

He calms his emotions and calls Ye Sibei.

He thinks about what to say, but after waiting for a long time, Ye Sibei doesn’t answer.

He listens to the “beep” from inside, slowly realizing that something is wrong. He suddenly opens the car door, jumps out of the car, and rushes upstairs!

From the winding staircase to the front door, he starts banging on the door, “Ye Sibei?”

“Ye Sibei?!”

No one responds. He quickly takes out his keys and swiftly opens the door.

As the door opens, the room is filled with the smell of alcohol. Qin Nan rushes through the messy house, scanning the living room and kitchen, finding no one, then heads straight to the bedroom.

There’s no one in the bedroom either, just a heap of drug shells and scattered bottles. The bathroom door is wide open, and Qin Nan spots Ye Sibei inside.

She’s lying next to the toilet, surrounded by vomit and scattered drugs.

“Ye Sibei!”

Qin Nan rushes to her, lifts her up from the ground. She feels cold, her face pale, lips turning purple. Qin Nan confirms that she’s not choked by vomit, quickly picks her up, stuffs the empty drug shells into a plastic bag on the side, grabs his ID, and rushes out.

Ye Sibei is groggy; she feels herself being carried on someone’s back, the cool night breeze blowing on her face. She weakly calls out, “Qin Nan?”

“I’m taking you to the hospital.”

Qin Nan’s voice comes through, “Don’t be afraid, I’m taking you there.”

“I’m not afraid.”

Her weak voice speaks up, leaning against his back, with barely any strength left to hold on to him, yet she still speaks, “Now that you’re here, I’m not afraid anymore.”

“Don’t talk,” Qin Nan sprints downstairs, “Save your energy.”

“Now that you’re here,” she breathes, “I can live.”

“Stop talking nonsense!”

“Actually, you’re right. This is how my life will be.”

Her voice was soft, almost a whisper.

“I can’t let go, but I dare not pursue it. I’m in pain, so I drink, smoke, and lash out. But every time I sober up, I’m even more miserable.”

Qin Nan listens to her and places her in the passenger seat, fastening her seatbelt, then returns to the driver’s seat, quickly driving towards the hospital.

Ye Sibei lies in her seat, half-conscious, speaking slowly, “I don’t want to be this kind of person, Qin Nan. I don’t want you to look down on me.”

“I also want to fight back, but every time I gather courage, someone comes and makes me endure, saying it’s for my own good. I’ve never won, and I don’t know what’s good or bad. I can only endure.”

“But I,” she gasps, her voice small and weak, “endure so painfully, so bitterly, so uncomfortably.”

Qin Nan doesn’t dare to speak; he’s trembling. After a while, he parks the car at the hospital entrance, carries Ye Sibei on his back, and rushes inside.

Ye Sibei is still talking nonsense.

“I want to die, but I’m afraid of pain. I wanted to go to the rooftop, but I’m afraid of falling and hurting someone, causing trouble. Now that I might really die, I realize I want to live. I really want, want to live well.”

“Qin Nan,” she presses her face against his back, “I’m sorry.”

Sorry for letting you encounter such a wretched me.

“Don’t apologize to me again; I don’t need your apologies!”

Qin Nan scolds her, rushes into the lobby, shouting for a doctor. Soon, someone comes and helps him put Ye Sibei on a mobile stretcher.

The surroundings become noisy, Ye Sibei lies on the stretcher, watching Qin Nan and the nurse pushing her inside. Someone gives her an oxygen machine and injects medication.

She’s taken to the emergency room, and Qin Nan stays by her side. His muscles are tense, his eyes holding a hint of unseen moisture. Quietly watching this person, a nameless hope ignites bit by bit in her heart.

Maybe life isn’t always hopeless. Look, this person, always exceeds her expectations.

He should have been the person who hated her the most, but he didn’t.

He should have been the person who should have left, but he didn’t.

He should have been the person she was just getting along with, and if she died, he would have felt a bit guilty, but he wasn’t.

In that moment, she felt the coffin that had been pressing on her heart was suddenly opened by her blood-soaked hands. Light poured in, illuminating her long-dusty self.

She breathes heavily, reaches out, uses all her strength, and weakly grasps one of his fingers.

She can’t speak; she looks at him with her eyes.

She wants to wait for him to say a word.

That word, her mother, her brother, everyone around her except him, had never said to her.

Qin Nan notices her action, lowers his head, and sees her eyes. In that instant, he sees the strong, bright plea bursting from those eyes.

Those eyes, intertwining with the ones from twelve years ago, suddenly made him understand her meaning.

He looked at her and hoarsely said, “Let’s go to the police.”

“After you’re discharged,” he said earnestly, “I’ll take you to the police.”

“You’ll get justice, you’ll win this time, you’ll have a wonderful future ahead of you.”

“If anyone dares to insult you, I’ll insult them; if anyone dares to bully you, I’ll beat them. You’re not wrong, and anyone who says you are is the one who’s wrong.”

“Ye Sibei,” he held her hand, his voice trembling, “you’re not afraid of death, so what are you afraid of in life?”

“I’m your husband, I’ll be with you. Ye Sibei, you have a home, do you know that?”

Upon hearing this, Ye Sibei seemed content. She gently raised her eyebrows, silently formed a shape with her mouth.

“I understand.”

Perhaps she didn’t know before, but now, she understood.

As the mobile stretcher reached the emergency room door, a nurse pulled Qin Nan’s hand, pushing her inside.

She watched him standing at the door, watched his figure grow smaller, watched the door slowly close, watched the bright light shine directly above her.

She slowly closed her eyes.

At that moment of closing her eyes, she saw her younger self standing on the rooftop, watching the sun rise slowly, sunlight bathing the entire city.

That was the most beautiful sight she had ever seen in the world.

She thought, this is where her soul belongs.

Her life always pursued the radiant sun, whether it was for survival or death.

She didn’t know what was truly good or bad, perhaps her choices were indeed foolish and hurtful, but she thought, if she could survive this time.

She wanted to be her own Ye Sibei.

Author’s Note:

[Short Drama]

Qin Nan: I don’t need apologies, I need to tell you I love you.