Chapter 54

In just a short period of time, Lin Xigu felt as though his life had been flipped upside-down.

He and She Xiao were supposed to be in the honeymoon phase of their relationship, but the lighthearted atmosphere had evaporated. She Xiao didn’t disappear, but Lin Xigu felt like there was a heavy weight pressing down on himself constantly. He felt heartsick every time he looked at She Xiao.

At home, his parents had put their work aside just to keep an eye on him.

Lin Xigu didn’t want this. He didn’t want to be the reason they had to put their lives on hold. His mom still had her own family to worry about. Even though her other kids weren’t her biological babies, they were still her babies nevertheless. Her little angel had even cried on a video call two nights before.

In all his seventeen years, Lin Xigu had never fought so hard with his parents. They couldn’t see eye-to-eye on the issue and he couldn’t accept what they had to say. As for his parents, they did not give him any room to refuse either.

His parents had never been the controlling type. Their family had always been democratic and its members equal in all things, and he was given absolute freedom and right of opinion. This was the first time that Lin Xigu stood in opposition to them as he refused to discuss their proposal further. He went as far as to avoid speaking to them or looking them in the eyes for fear of them bringing it up again.

He knew that he was treating his parents unfairly, that this was a poor way to repay his mom and dad for the love and freedom they afforded him. But he had no choice; he couldn’t give up on She Xiao.

He knew that his dad had already initiated the process of transferring him to a new school. But it was practically impossible to process a transfer for a student in their senior year. After their Gaokao registrations were submitted, it was extremely difficult to transfer their student records again. Lin Xigu prayed that the transfer would be rejected.

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Lin Xigu’s tears snaked an arduous path around the corners of his eyes before pooling on the desk, wetting the small plot of cheek skin pressed to the desk. He stared at She Xiao’s chin and asked quietly, “Don’t you want to be with me anymore…?”

She Xiao closed his eyes. He didn’t say a word.

“You said it yourself. You said I’m allowed to follow you to hell. I want to.” Lin Xigu sniffed. The tip of his nose was red. “I can do it. I told you. I want to grow up with you.”

“We’ll become adults sooner or later…” Another tear followed the trail the other had created, sliding across the bridge of his nose. It tickled. “Even if it’s hard, we will grow up eventually. Are you going back on your word?”

She Xiao laid his head down too, resting his chin on his arm so that he was facing Lin Xigu. He touched the wet corner of Lin Xigu’s eye with his finger and said, “Don’t cry.”

Lin Xigu trapped She Xiao’s hand under his and brought his long fingers to his mouth where he kissed the tips of his fingers. “She Xiao,” Lin Xigu said. “Don’t ever push me away again.”

She Xiao touched Lin Xigu’s lips and answered in a low voice, “Okay.”

---

Lin Xigu’s emotions took a sharp dive for the worse. Everyone around him took notice.

Li Balei cautiously asked him, “Lin Xigu, what’s wrong?”

Lin Xigu shook his head, though he was shrouded in misery.

“Are you… upset about something?” Li Balei tapped his arm.

Lin Xigu looked at her. “My parents found out about She Xiao and me.”

Li Balei’s eyes widened in shock. She couldn’t keep herself from muttering, “Oh, shit.” Then she asked, “So they’re not supportive? Well, I guess no parent would be. What are you going to do now? What have they said? Oh my god, how could you two be so careless!”

Lin Xigu didn’t want to delve into She Xiao’s family situation, so he didn’t explain and only said “Mn” in response.

“Oh my god…” Li Balei tapped her leg anxiously, “Did they beat you? What should we do? This is all too much.”

“They didn’t hit me,” Lin Xigu reassured her. “They wouldn’t ever hit me. It’s not that serious, but they might make me move to a new school.”

“A new school???” Li Balei’s voice became even more stressed, “No, no, I don’t want that either!”

Li Balei sat in distress for a while, then looked up at Lin Xigu and asked him quietly, “So, will you and She Xiao… be separated?”

Lin Xigu stared straight ahead at the blackboard and shook his head, “No, we won’t, and I won’t leave if they make me.”

Li Balei didn’t know what Lin Xigu’s parents were like, but if something like this were to happen in her family, her dad might just break her legs. She couldn’t imagine what Lin Xigu was facing; in her imagination, he must be in a frightening predicament. Frowning deeply, she tried to offer suggestions. “How about… doing what they say for now? Don’t be confrontational, some parents can’t handle their children talking back. Play along for now, and then figure out a solution later. Maybe things will get better?”

Lin Xigu shook his head without considering it.

He couldn’t be separated from She Xiao, not even for a day. Allowing someone to separate them, even for a day, would be the same as saying he was giving up on him. Whether they would be separated for just a few days or longer, it all meant admitting defeat.

Lin Xigu would never give up on She Xiao. He had to move forward with She Xiao in tow.

---

His dad was still making arrangements for his transfer and didn’t try to keep his phone calls secret. Lin Xigu overheard him talking to the dean. The dean had probably asked him for a reason and his dad responded that it was a family matter.

After his dad hung up the phone, Lin Xigu walked over to him and said, “Pops, I’m telling you, I won’t leave.”

His dad kneaded his forehead and said, “Then I guess we’ll see who’s more stubborn, you or your old man.”

Lin Xigu didn’t say anything more. He went back to his room.

He didn’t want to face his parents right now; he couldn’t bring himself to say anything too disrespectful in front of them, but he also wasn’t willing to compromise. He didn’t know if teenage emotions were supposed to be this intense, but at least for now, Lin Xigu was determined to never let go for as long as he lived. He had to hold onto She Xiao, he had to stay by his side and do everything he could to protect him.

---

She Xiao’s situation was also worsening. 

His father’s mood fluctuated; after a brief interlude of quiet, the terror would begin once again. His mother’s prolonged absence had already pushed the man past his brink, which meant that She Xiao hardly ever lived a day of peace. 

His complexion began to pale again, and the injuries started multiplying on his body.

It drove Lin Xigu crazy. Every wound on She Xiao’s body was a thorn in his eyes.

Zhou Cheng called She Xiao to his office once again to ask if he was experiencing any difficulties at home. He tried to be tactful by offering to help mediate if there were problems or to talk to his parents on his behalf if needed.

She Xiao was silent, perhaps even more so than before.

Previously, when he wasn’t feeling well, Lin Xigu would wonder if that man was tormenting him. Now, when he didn’t speak, Lin Xigu also wondered if his tongue was hurting again.

The reason why She Xiao spoke slowly with pauses and starts wasn’t a matter of physiology; it was trauma. There were times when he could speak uninterrupted, like the time Lin Xigu had run into She Xiao’s father at his house, when She Xiao had spoken rapidly in anger.

But knowing this only made Lin Xigu feel worse. How deep and painful must the emotional wound have been for it to have persisted for so many years without healing? 

---

The entire school was preparing for their first mock exam which reproduced the format and standards of the Gaokao examination. However, She Xiao and Lin Xigu weren’t under the same pressure as everyone else; for them, grades were the least of their concerns.

That day, on their way home from school, Lin Xigu said to She Xiao, “You haven’t been replying to my texts lately. You need to reply… let me know you’re safe, at least.”

She Xiao glanced at him. “Okay.”

Lin Xigu really wanted to go home with him, to face what he faced by his side. He knew he was a weakling, but there was still strength in numbers. However, he didn’t dare. He couldn’t afford to get hurt; he couldn’t let his parents know he’d impulsively gone to She Xiao’s house.

If they found out, they would probably take him away immediately rather than allow him to stay one more day. 

Lin Xigu chattered quietly beside She Xiao. He spoke of things to watch out for and his worries, his words fragmented but warm.

When they reached the entrance of Lin Xigu’s residential compound, there was no one else around. The street was as quiet as it was every night.

The life of a high school student was gruelling work, with early mornings and late nights, all for the sake of preparing for that final exam.

Looking at Lin Xigu, She Xiao said quietly, “You… should go.”

Lin Xigu nodded. “Okay. But you have to text me when you get home. And you have to text me before you go to bed, no matter how late.”

She Xiao didn’t move. A hint of a smile lit his eyes with a kind of scorching fervour. He repeated himself. “Go.”

Lin Xigu came to a halt. He blinked a few times.

His heart started to pound hard against his chest. Rage tangoed with his rising emotions as he stared at She Xiao. “What are you trying to say?”

She Xiao was still smiling faintly. He bowed his head, and said, “Go.”

Lin Xigu’s anger broke over him in waves. He shoved She Xiao. She Xiao stumbled back a few paces.

Lin Xigu glared at him, his eyes reddening as he growled, “Where am I supposed to go? Where do you expect me to go when you’re still here? You’re just going to walk back everything you said like you never said them?”

She Xiao didn’t reply. He stroked Lin Xigu’s hair, trying to comfort him.

Lin Xigu had finally found an outlet for the emotions he had been keeping bottled up. He swatted She Xiao’s arm. “Didn’t you already make up your mind to be with me?” He demanded. “Don’t your words mean anything?”

She Xiao was dumbfounded as Lin Xigu peppered him with questions.

That evening, Lin Xigu stalked away with his backpack like a grouchy baby bull.

He was adorable even when mad.

She Xiao stood under the tree where he always waited for Lin Xigu and smoked a cigarette.

It was true. He was going back on his word.

Everyone had to go back to where they belonged eventually.

He didn’t want to let go of the only source of light in his life. He wanted to hold it in his arms and safeguard it always. But what he wanted least was for his sun to forever sink into the darkness like he had.

He didn’t have the heart.