Chapter 53

T/W: Domestic violence, child abuse, mention of sexual assault, mention of suicide

Lin Xigu learned the full truth of She Xiao’s childhood for the first time.

He had known that She Xiao’s family was troubled, but it wasn’t until that day that he learned why She Xiao had never tried to run away.

With his hoarse voice and slow drawl, punctuated by long pauses, She Xiao narrated his despair.

He told them that some years ago, his uncle had killed a man. His hand was forced. He’d had no choice.

He said that his father had raped his mother, and yet his grandfather still had to kneel and plead for the man to marry his daughter. Because that man’s father had the political sway to vacate his uncle’s death sentence with a single word.

He said that his mother lived a half-life worse than death. There were times when she was nearly beaten to death by her husband. Pushed to the brink, she had been driven to suicide, but her attempt failed. Soon after, the police came knocking about his uncle, his aunt lost her job, and his grandfather was terrorized until, desperate and backed into a corner, he had suffered a stroke and died.

She didn’t dare try to take her own life again.

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Ls sdl nswze lpnyrl.

It was a war that could not be won.

He had looked directly at Ji Qiong as he said, “I have no way out, and I have no future.” He had called her, “Ayi.” Ji Qiong’s tears splashed down immediately. She dried her eyes with a napkin.

She then sat for a long time without saying a word.

At last, she heaved a long sigh as she turned to She Xiao, “Let’s get you to the hospital first to have that wound looked at. You’ve bled so much.”

She Xiao lowered his gaze. “Mn.”

Lin Xigu had been numb from the moment She Xiao started talking. He couldn’t open his mouth to speak, nor did he want to. He was afraid he would come apart completely the moment he did. He couldn’t imagine half the things She Xiao described. No one should have to live such a life.

His heart hurt so much that he wanted to dig it out of his chest and throw it away, although he knew that what he was feeling was not even close to one-thousandth of the pain She Xiao had suffered when his tongue was cut.

He followed them out like a zombie. All of his nerve endings had gone numb. Before they got into the car, She Xiao turned to look at him and held out his hand.

Only then did Lin Xigu regain some awareness of his surroundings as he instinctively crammed his hand into She Xiao’s open palm. He sat next to She Xiao in the backseat. In the car, no one spoke.

Lin Xigu turned sideways and hugged She Xiao tightly with his arms circling his neck, burying his face in the crook of his neck. She Xiao felt the wetness on his shoulder; he lifted his hand and stroked the back of Lin Xigu’s head.

She Xiao’s face was unreadably calm from start to finish. He looked almost indifferent.

But Lin Xigu knew he wasn’t. She Xiao was shaking. The hand stroking his hair was trembling. His palm, too, was ice cold.

With his face still pressed against She Xiao’s shoulder, Lin Xigu mumbled his name.

Ji Qiong glanced at the two of them through the rearview mirror.

She Xiao’s voice was gentle as he gave Lin Xigu’s palm a light squeeze. “Mn?”

But Lin Xigu didn’t know what else to say.

He didn’t keep talking, so She Xiao continued playing with his hand, squeezing his palm and rubbing his finger. His touch made Lin Xigu feel slightly better.

She Xiao left immediately after they finished at the hospital. He didn’t even accept Ji Qiong’s offer to drive him home. Lin Xigu held onto his hand and didn’t want to let go. He didn’t want him to return to that house.

She Xiao bent down until he was looking into Lin Xigu’s eyes and gave him a small smile.

He was so kind that Lin Xigu’s heart was in pieces. He was too good to be true.

Then, She Xiao lightly wriggled his hand free from Lin Xigu’s grasp.

Lin Xigu suddenly felt panicked, the kind of panic where he wanted to hold onto She Xiao with all his strength. His eyes red and staring, he insisted, “She Xiao. We have a future. We do.”

She Xiao nodded, gave Lin Xigu’s earlobe a soft squeeze, and walked away.

That day, neither Lin Xigu nor his mom spoke a single word of what had happened after they returned home. They didn’t answer in full even when Lin Xigu’s dad asked them how it went.

Lin Xigu didn’t have the energy to talk about it, and he didn’t want to dwell on it. He supposed his mom felt the same way.

Some things needed time to settle. Such experiences were too heavy for words.

The next day, Lin Xigu left the house on time. He had been dangling with worry all night but finally relaxed when he saw She Xiao waiting for him under the tree as always. The way She Xiao was acting had made him concerned that he was planning to disappear again.

Lin Xigu walked over and grabbed his hand, his voice coming out hoarse. “Didn’t you agree that I could follow you to hell if I wanted to?”

Lin Xigu’s throat was a wreck after that night, his voice was scratchy and hoarse.

She Xiao smiled and asked quietly, “Are you scared yet?”

Lin Xigu shook his head. “No.”

She Xiao nodded and led him off to school.

---

His heart never stopped aching since he heard She Xiao’s story. Having She Xiao alive in front of him brought some relief, but the chest pains returned as soon as She Xiao was out of sight.

He agonized over everything She Xiao had been through. He hated that he wasn’t able to share She Xiao’s burden. He also hated that he was young and powerless to do anything about the war that could not be won.

This all came to a head when his parents sat him down and told him that they needed to talk. 

They hadn’t said anything yet, but Lin Xigu could already tell what they were about to say from the look in their eyes.

Lin Xigu, who had always been an obedient child, started shaking his head in defiance. “Ba, Ma, I don’t want to talk.”

Ji Qiong took the pen from his hand and set it aside. “We’re not giving you a choice,” she said, looking at her son.

Lin Xigu knew there was no getting out of it, so he sat up straight, facing his parents, and nodded. “Okay then. Let’s talk.”

His mom had heard She Xiao’s story in person, so she found herself unable to start. It was Lin Xigu’s dad who spoke first. He was serious as he began, “From the moment you were born until now, your mom and I have always given you whatever you wanted. Anything you asked for, we have always tried our best to meet your needs. As your parents, we didn’t think twice when the school called to tell us that you might like boys, that you’re gay. ‘That’s perfectly fine,’ we said. ‘That’s just the way our son is. If you don’t want us here, then we’ll just have to take our tuition elsewhere.’

“As long as you were healthy, as long as you could grow up safe and sound, we said that we would let you do anything you wanted, as long as you were happy.” 

Lin Xigu watched his dad closely as he spoke. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t moved.

His parents had never been stingy with the love they had for him.

But he knew that he would not be able to accept the words that would surely follow.

His dad continued, “Your mom told me about the whole situation with She Xiao. On this matter alone, we are going to have to put our foot down.”

Lin Xigu closed his eyes, shaking his head, “Dad, Mom… that’s the one thing I can’t do.”

His dad interrupted him, “This isn’t a negotiation. This is me telling you, and you listening. If I say no, that means no. You’re too young to think critically about this. You’re about to go over the cliff and as your dad, it’s my job to pull you back.”

Lin Xigu was still shaking his head. “… I can’t.”

“We wouldn’t be forcing you to do this if we had any other solution.” Lin Xigu’s dad had spent years of his life being assertive and cutting straight to the point. He did not give Lin Xigu any time to react, and instead opened with the bluntest of truths. “Everyone has their own path carved out for them.”

“That’s his life, but it’s not yours. From the time you were born, you’ve never had to worry for anything, and you were given whatever you wanted. If it’s within our power to do so, we would want you to stay that way for the rest of your life. You can’t throw yourself into someone else’s life. It’s not something that you can intervene in without consequences, consequences which you’re powerless to fight.”

Lin Xigu knew that his dad was right, but it was impossible to accept.

He looked to his mom instead, and not without a little bit of pleading hope in his eyes.

Though Ji Qiong felt deeply for She Xiao, she still frowned and shook her head at her son. She cleared her throat. “We’re not trying to be cruel, baby. If it had been anything else… if he got poor grades, if he lived in poverty, anything, it wouldn’t have mattered. He’s a very good boy, I can tell, and I sincerely believe that to be true. But there’s no room for discussion when it comes to something like this. I can’t let you spend your days skirting landmines. We wouldn’t be able to live with ourselves if you blew yourself up.”

“I promise I’ll be okay,” Lin Xigu pleaded hoarsely, “I promise I won’t get hurt. I promise I won’t be affected, isn’t that enough?”

“How can you make a promise like that?” His dad fixed him with a stare. “Who could back you on such a promise? That little friend of yours?”

“But there’s only half a year left. I’ve been living here for over a year now, and I’m still fine, aren’t I? …Ba, Ma, I can’t agree to this. I’m sorry.”

Lin Xigu watched as his mom firmly shook her head at him. “You have two choices. Either you come live with me or you go live with your dad. But we can’t leave you here. If we had to leave you here on your own, we would never be able to sleep a wink. I would go mad if even a single one of She Xiao’s scars ended up on your body.”

Lin Xigu’s eyes were blazing red. He gnawed on the inside of his lip, his chest so tight that he couldn’t breathe. He tried to take a deep breath before he croaked, “Mama… can’t you help him…?”

He knew what the answer would be even before he finished talking.

She Xiao was tangled in an impossible web. If his parents could have helped, they would have already offered rather than forcing him to leave without any room for discussion.

The rims of Ji Qiong’s eyes reddened as well, her voice growing thick with tears. “Grown-ups can’t do things just because we want to. I haven’t lived in this country for years now and as successful as your dad is, he doesn’t have the power to change what happens behind closed doors. How can he take responsibility for that? He can’t, nor should he.”

When she said that, Lin Xigu felt like the world had gone dark.

“Everyone has their own life to live, baby.”

Everyone has their own life to live.

What they meant was, that was She Xiao’s fate; it was not his.

Lin Xigu stared blankly at the wall, his eyes losing focus. He could only think of the eight-year-old child convulsing in pain after having his tongue cut, too afraid to cry and physically incapable of screaming.

The child’s mouth hung open, his face covered with blood.

Lin Xigu blinked, his eyes burning. He rubbed his eyes with the insides of his wrists and mumbled—

“But his life… is my life.”