Chapter 33

“Hello, Mama.” Lin Xigu was video calling his mom from his bed. A tuft of golden curls butted its way into view.

“Come on, you. You’ve been clamouring to see Gege this whole time. Stop hiding, come say hi to your Gege.”

An angelic, little face appeared on his screen and said pertly, “Gege.”

Lin Xigu blew her a kiss. She was embarrassed and instantly ran off. 

Ji Qiong hollered after her, “Go play with your brother. Make sure he puts a hat on you!”

Lin Xigu yawned. “Did it rain there today?”

“It stopped. It was sunny here.”

“That’s good,” Lin Xigu said.

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That morning, just as he was about to follow She Xiao out, something caught his eye and he stopped. From the gate, he could see a tree across from his compound. Under the shade of its foliage, the ground was littered with cigarette butts.

She Xiao used to wait for him under that very tree every morning before school. There would occasionally be one or two cigarette butts there, which meant that he had been waiting for quite some time. 

Lin Xigu walked over to the tree and knelt down in the dirt. There were twelve stubs in all. The wind had already scattered the ashes but had left the rest intact.

He got to his feet and sighed. He was certain that She Xiao hadn’t left those there, but he was hit with a wave of regret all the same. Whoever had been waiting there must have waited for a long time. 

He and She Xiao arrived at school, one after the other.

There was another letter waiting for him on his desk. His tongzhuo hadn’t arrived yet and there weren’t many people in the room either. The little sky blue envelope had just been lying on his desk for all to see. 

This time, Lin Xigu hastily stuffed it into his backpack and didn’t even bother opening it.

He didn’t know who was writing him letters but he wanted the opportunity to explain himself. He didn’t want any more love letters, and he had no desire to date anyone else.

He would never fall for anyone else.

Lin Xigu turned and looked at She Xiao. He had been writing his homework with his head bowed. Perhaps he felt Lin Xigu looking at him because he shifted his eyes without moving his head.

---

Li Balei had a big heart and always stood up for her friends. No matter what Lin Xigu said, she only believed what she could see with her own eyes and she was adamant that Lin Xigu was being bullied. Although she couldn’t confront She Xiao verbally, she had her own way of making things difficult for him. 

A pop quiz had been announced and a fat stack of quizzes was being handed down from the front to the back. Li Balei took two for herself and Fang Xiaoshan and immediately passed the rest to the person across the aisle, effectively bypassing She Xiao in the row behind her. 

She Xiao never spoke, so he naturally wouldn’t raise his hand and ask the teacher for another copy. When Lin Xigu had been his tongzhuo, he had always spoken up on She Xiao’s behalf when it came to such matters, taking it upon himself to say anything that he felt like he had a right to say.

When Lin Xigu turned, he saw She Xiao sitting there, leaning back in his chair and not doing anything while all around him, everyone else was busy writing their quiz. When Li Balei noticed him looking, she shot him a knowing smirk. 

Lin Xigu instantly realized what was happening and he texted Li Balei immediately with knitted brows;

Stop screwing around. Give him back his quiz. 

Li Balei replied:

No can do. It’s his own fault for being such an awful person.

Lin Xigu smashed the keyboard on his phone:

Ballet Grrrl, don’t you bully him. Hurry up and give it to him!

Li Balei sent another reply:

I don’t have any more. They’re all gone.

Lin Xigu’s heart burned at the listless expression on She Xiao’s face. He was his little prince. No one was more hurt than Lin Xigu to see She Xiao being treated unfairly. “Excuse me,” Lin Xigu said to his tongzhuo. 

His tongzhuo turned her body to the side but didn’t stand up. Lin Xigu squeezed past her and walked up to the front where the leftover quizzes were kept.

Many of his classmates stopped what they were doing to look at him. “What is it, Lin Xigu?” The teacher asked quietly.

Lin Xigu smiled. “Just grabbing an extra copy.”

He padded softly to the back of the room where he placed the sheet of paper down on She Xiao desk and anchored it with a pen.

Lin Xigu didn’t care who else was watching. He didn’t say anything more as he returned to his seat.

Li Balei sent him another text:

Lin Xigu, there really is something the matter with you. Don’t you have any other friends?

Lin Xigu thought for a moment. He replied:

Balei, I’m serious. Don’t mess with him anymore. I like him.

After hitting send, Lin Xigu slipped his phone back into his pocket and didn’t take it out again.

Li Balei didn’t fully comprehend the meaning of the text at first. She had simply thought what is there to like about a standoffish guy like that? A few minutes passed before it finally clicked. The pen in her hand rolled onto the desk and she raised her head to stare at Lin Xigu sitting up ahead.

He liked him.

… What kind of ‘like’ did he mean?

Li Balei turned to look at She Xiao. He had his head bent over his quiz as he worked through the questions. Li Balei turned back, thinking, Lin Xigu, you really are crazy.

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Later, Lin Xigu would ask her, “Isn’t there anything you want to ask me? Your reaction is somehow different than expected.”

Li Balei glanced at him and said, “I was too scared to ask. I deleted your text. I promise to stop bugging him and I’ll make an effort to be nice. If you don’t want to say anything, then don’t. If you don’t tell me, then no one will know.”

He was safe as long as no one found out.

Lin Xigu didn’t know what to say as Li Balei finished her cryptic speech. In the end, he said nothing and simply hugged her.

“Thank you,” he said.

“You’re welcome, old pal,” Li Balei said. 

---

She Xiao’s grades were as exceptional as ever on the midterm exams. Lin Xigu looked at the red banner posted outside with She Xiao name printed neatly at the very top.

Our She Xiao is still so brilliant.

Lin Xigu’s dad was in attendance at his parent-teacher conferences and was chatting with the father of the girl who sat beside him. Lin Xigu saw She Xiao’s mother too. She looked the same as when he saw her last – still graceful, still beautiful.

Lin Xigu watched her from the backdoor for a long time. He wanted to walk up to her and ask her one question. 

Why aren’t you able to protect your child? 

He dad’s schedule was tight and he had to leave as soon as the conference ended. Days continued to slip by, mundane and unchanging.

Lin Xigu continued his habit of following She Xiao to school in the mornings. If he couldn’t keep up with She Xiao at night, then he would walk home by himself. Evening self-study sessions were over for Xie Yang’s class. They were studying at home full-time now that their Gaokao exam was approaching. 

Lin Xigu had seen Xie Yang’s uncle around a few more times as well. He was now living upstairs, probably so that he could accompany Xie Yang at his exam.¹ 陪考 (pei/kao): Usually applies to family/parents and refers to the practice of waiting at the school while the student writes their Gaokao exam to offer encouragement and food/water/snacks before, between and after exams. You can almost see the Gaokao exams as a multi-day sporting competition. On these solitary walks, Lin Xigu often tried his best to imagine what the future could hold. Would She Xiao rank first in the city or the province? Where would he matriculate?

What kind of… girlfriend would he have?

She would have to be gentle, for sure, with a slow temper and the patience to guide him to speak. She Xiao had many words bottled up that he didn’t want to share. He spoke slowly when he did.

He would be fine if he knew that She Xiao had someone like that by his side.

It was all he wanted for him.

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Lin Xigu had originally thought that this quiet routine would continue until their graduation, until they were no longer classmates. No matter where She Xiao went after that, he knew he would follow. They would at least end up in the same city if not the same school. 

But that quietude was shattered one morning.

That day, Lin Xigu was following behind She Xiao as usual on his way to school. The route took them past the same breakfast place every day which was always half-full of customers enjoying their breakfast. During the summer, tables were set up outside for those who found the restaurant too stuffy. 

Lin Xigu had been looking down at his feet but immediately jerked his head up at the sound of a child’s cries, followed by a loud commotion. One of the patio tables had been flipped over and She Xiao was already in the middle of a knock-down drag-out fight. 

His heart rate spiked immediately. He rushed over and saw that the child’s head was bleeding.

“She Xiao!” Lin Xigu hadn’t been paying attention. He didn’t even know why She Xiao was fighting.

“Are you f*cking insane? You’re actually crazy, aren’t you?” The man She Xiao was fighting spat at him, pointing. “You’re one mad pup.”

The manager was trying to pull them apart but She Xiao was ruthless when he was enraged. The young child, who looked to be around seven or eight, stood off to the side, bawling his eyes out.

“Hey, don’t hit him! You’re assaulting a minor! If you hit him again, I’ll call the cops!” Lin Xigu seized the man’s arms to keep him from hitting She Xiao. The man couldn’t pull free and could only take She Xiao’s punches undefended.

“Are you f*cking blind?” He screamed at Lin Xigu. “He’s the one attacking me! What, it’s not assault if he’s underage?”

Lin Xigu was anxious too but at least She Xiao was protected as long as he held the man back. The manager couldn’t get between them so She Xiao’s blows continued to land on the man’s body. Lin Xigu wanted to restrain She Xiao, afraid that he was going to cause real damage, but he was also scared to let go in case the man attacked She Xiao again.

“She Xiao, stop hitting him. Let’s go already.” Lin Xigu repeated. “We’re going to be late. Stop fighting. Let’s go!”

She Xiao couldn’t hear a word of what he was saying. 

Lin Xigu was terrified that the man would report him to the school. The school would surely take disciplinary action, not to mention that She Xiao was really starting to scare him.

His face was cruel when beating another person. His eyes were bloodshot and beast-like.

“What happened?!” Lin Xigu asked the manager.

“I don’t know either! This bastard hit his son and I was just about to stop him when this kid came flying out of nowhere and clocked him in the head! Why did it have to be me?” The manager was not having a good day. The diner was a mess of smashed tables and chairs. 

Lin Xigu tried to convince She Xiao to stop a few more times but nothing seemed to get through. Feeling helpless, Lin Xigu could only let go of the man to try and restrain She Xiao instead. She Xiao threw him off and, unfazed, he immediately scrambled to his feet and tried again. The man’s fist missed and landed on the back of his head.

It hurt.

But he didn’t have time to worry about that. He needed She Xiao to calm down as quickly as possible. He was truly scared.

“She Xiao! She Xiao, let’s get out of here!” Lin Xigu couldn’t conjure any other words that might have helped the situation. He couldn’t think of anything else to say other than She Xiao’s name. 

He was tossed aside again. As he rushed forward, trying once more to restrain She Xiao, She Xiao’s fist smashed into Lin Xigu’s throat. 

Lin Xigu dropped to the floor, clutching his neck and unable to speak. 

She Xiao froze. The manager seized the opportunity to grab the other man, keeping him from fighting back. She Xiao watched, still frozen, as Lin Xigu gripped his throat, wanting but unable to cough. His face was red and contorted in agony. 

A few moments passed as Lin Xigu tried to catch his breath before he looked up and extended a hand towards She Xiao, saying hoarsely, “She Xiao, I’m fine… let’s just go.”

His voice came out as a broken rasp. As soon as he finished speaking, he broke down in a violent coughing fit.

She Xiao knelt down so he could see Lin Xigu’s eyes. He raised his hand and touched Lin Xigu’s neck. His fingertips were trembling.

His fingers moved back and forth across Lin Xigu’s neck. Lin Xigu was suddenly reminded of that one winter day when She Xiao had touched his face the same way.

She Xiao’s fingertips lingered on Lin Xigu’s Adam’s apple which shuddered as he coughed again. “I’m fine,” Lin Xigu insisted. “It was my fault for getting in the way….”

She Xiao touched his hand lightly to the underside of Lin Xigu’s chin. 

His eyes were frightfully red.