Oneshot

Blood Residue Carbon

—– A Tribute to Campus Love. Farewell to Youth.

Preface: Blood Residue Carbon, a traditional Chinese medicine name, is a carbonized substance made from human hair. It tastes bitter, neutral, and belongs to the liver and stomach meridians. It stops bleeding and dispels stasis.

—————-

When the mailman knocked on the door, I was in the middle of an argument with Lin Xun.

I threw everything I could grab at Lin Xun. Finally, I grabbed a comb and threw it at his face. The comb bounced back, hit me, and fell to the ground. I bent down to pick up the comb and fiercely threw it to the ground until it broke in two.

Lin Xun touched the red mark on his face and said, “You’re really crazy.” He turned and went back to the bedroom.

The mailman was still knocking on the door.

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******

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This is a story of time.

I often wonder, when did I stop chasing the shadow of the sun?

I also often wonder, why did Lin Xun like me? I am so indifferent, even cold. Until when will he like me?

I used to believe that there was nothing worth persisting in life.

My heart has long been overgrown with weeds.

*****

When I met Yu, I was 17 years old. I was in the prime of youth, with thick, long hair and laughing eyes. I had endless dreams. During the four years of studying together, it was filled with the vibrant and beautiful colors of youth. I often received gifts from Yu, wrapped in long boxes with pink ribbons, sparking my imagination. However, upon opening them, it was always the most practical chocolates or beef jerky.

There was also one time on my birthday when I received a gift from Yu, wrapped in a long box with a white silk ribbon. Upon opening it, there was a white dress, layers of light chiffon slipping through my fingers like flowing water. Then, Yu and I spent a month eating steamed buns and pickled vegetables together. Yet, in my memories, it all tasted sweet.

During that time, I suffered from severe menstrual pain—not just ordinary pain, but a heart-wrenching agony that felt like I was about to die. For those three days, I would usually take time off and roll in bed. My mother had taken me to see numerous doctors, and I had taken many medications, but the pain persisted. Some doctors said that this condition would naturally improve after giving birth, so I gave up on taking medicine.

However, Yu continued to search for remedies and medications for me. Whenever he encountered a doctor or saw a pharmacy, he would ask repeatedly until I dragged him away.

After graduating at the age of 22, we both joined a Korean company together. Because we didn’t follow the job allocation and entered a different industry, we had to pay the school a training fee of six thousand yuan. As a result, upon graduation, we became part of the indebted class.

Yet, our small apartment was filled with sunlight, yellow potted chrysanthemums, and unstoppable, flowing music.

Yu happened to obtain a secret recipe for relieving menstrual pain, from an old Chinese doctor recommended by someone. He prescribed a formula with more than forty ingredients, most of which could be easily found in pharmacies or hospitals. However, there was one ingredient that we couldn’t find—carbonized substance made from human hair, called Blood Residue Carbon.

The old Chinese doctor said we could make it ourselves.

So, after work, Yu would ride his bicycle to the barber shop to collect some cut hair. After collecting for about a week, there was enough for the medicine. I saw Yu pouring the cut hair into a large basin and washing it thoroughly. My stomach churned. Seeing a basin full of other people’s cut hair, I vomited all the food I had eaten.

Yu didn’t let me watch and carried the basin to the yard. It was winter, and I wiped the condensation off the glass, seeing Yu’s hands continuously cleaning in the basin. Then, he stood on the side retching.

I pulled him back into the house, and he said, “Since there’s medicine that can cure it, why not give it a try?”

He put the cleaned hair into two clean flowerpots, covered them, and placed them in the company’s boiler to stew. The shiny, black result was the Blood Residue Carbon.

After taking the medicine for about half a month, the company needed to hire some people internally to study in Korea. At that time, Yu was close to the assistant to the factory director. He recommended me, and I got the opportunity.

We were set to depart just before the Spring Festival. Yu prepared a month’s worth of medicine for me, all brewed into a soup and stored in a large bottle. He also collected some cut hair and made Blood Residue Carbon, adding it to the medicinal soup. He said Korean medicine was too expensive, and he was afraid I wouldn’t be willing to take it.

I joyfully boarded the plane like playing a game, without even looking back.

******

We experienced our first long separation. After a brief novelty, what followed was a bone-deep yearning. Then came numbness and boredom. My dorm mate, Juemi, read my palm and predicted that my trip to Korea this time would be more of a loss than a gain and would leave a mark on my life. She sympathetically looked at me, pointing to my long and winding love line.

Three months later, I often felt that Yu was a distant memory. Loneliness and solitude were powerful enough to crush one’s beliefs.

In fear and self-reproach, I desperately wrote letters to him until one day I encountered someone I thought was a solid tree. I wrapped around him like a vine. In his arms, I could see a flourishing scene. I enjoyed sitting with him in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows on the thirtieth floor, watching the lights of the city.

He, too, was a Chinese person abroad.

I wrote a letter to Yu, telling him I was a vine that needed a tree to lean on. And now, I had found that tree.

After that, I stopped writing to Yu and didn’t reply to his letters. Occasionally, I would recall strolling through the streets and alleys of the old city with Yu, often looking up at the drifting clouds.

A year later, the tree and I returned to our home country. I had already resigned from my job in Korea.

Upon landing, the tree said, “I thought leaving meant leaving, but when my feet touched this land, I realized I had never left.”

We met in loneliness. Meeting was beautiful. However, we both had to return to reality. In reality, I had a lonely wife.

******

They say 24 is the season of blossoms.

At the age of 24, my youth became a mix of imagination and memories, drifting away, drowning in corners, lost in winter afternoons, turning into a blanket of fallen leaves.

On a rainy night, I couldn’t sleep. I dialed that familiar number. I heard Yu’s deep voice. I could only cry.

He remained silent, such a cold and cruel silence.

I cried for over ten minutes. Gradually, I woke up, stifling the sobs.

I said, “It turns out getting lost is an extremely easy thing.”

Thinking about his love for me, I thought he would still open his arms for me. I thought Yu would embrace me whenever I needed.

He said, “Some paths can be found again even after getting lost, but for some, once lost, they are no longer our paths. Remember, some things are better left unattempted.”

Live well.

He hung up.

Suddenly, I understood that losing is an extremely simple thing. Crossing through forests, across the sky, through the ocean, through pots of chrysanthemums and flowing music. It sounds beautiful.

Holding the receiver, knowing that we were separated by mountains and rivers. Remembering the streets we walked through, remembering the small house with the large pot of chrysanthemums, remembering the Blood Residue Carbon. I suddenly realized that I haven’t had menstrual pain for a long time. Because it doesn’t hurt anymore, as if I’ve never felt the pain. Thinking about the large bottle of medicinal soup I drank, my stomach churned again.

*****

Since then, I’ve had a problem with stomach pain. Since then, I’ve developed the habit of washing my hair every day.

Lin Xun, upon encountering me, was also forced to wash his hair every day by me.

Today, because he didn’t want to wash his hair, it triggered our war. Perhaps, I am truly becoming abnormal.

The rain has stopped. It’s nearing dusk.

Back at our place, Lin Xun sits on the sofa.

“Your package, I took a look,” he stands up. It wasn’t intentional, just a bit curious.

I bend down, only to find it was a package sent by my mother containing my old photo albums and letters. I learned that our family home is scheduled for demolition.

The photo albums are filled with pictures of Yu and me. The letters document our entire journey. I once spent a whole day arranging them in chronological order.

Lin Xun embraces me, gently caressing my face. He just washed his hair, and there’s a lavender fragrance.

He looks at me and says, “You should have let me know about certain things earlier. Love leaves traces, whether you want it or forget it. It’s dormant somewhere in your heart. I really want to see the light in your eyes and the smile on your lips. Do you know, in deep love and waiting, I am as lonely as you are.”

Tears stream down my face.

Youth is fleeting, love won’t be forgotten. Just like the scent of Blood Residue Carbon, firmly imprinted on my heart, allowing weeds to grow, blocking out the sunlight.

I look into Lin Xun’s clean and passionate eyes, suddenly understanding that he is the person who can enter my life.

The happiness and bitterness brought by Blood Residue Carbon are now memories. We are destined to carry the past with us, whether we like it or not.

Willingness to love brings about love, allowing us to see the bright sunshine.