Chapter 1 Part 2

67.

I slept until the afternoon. I went to the market to buy some groceries, then went to the store to buy some snacks. When I passed by the park, I shared the snacks with several children.

After contemplating for a bit, I sat down on the bench with the groceries at my side and watched the scenery of the park for the entire day.

It was very beautiful.

66.

I saw from a certain book that you can use food coloring to dye painkillers, and it can become like candy.

I silently counted the pills and dyed them like rainbow candy.

One piece, two pieces, three-and-four pieces, five-six-seven-and-eight pieces, nine-ten-and-eleven pieces, all of which remain the same when turned into candy.

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Xb olzz.

Rv xlalzu vwadle kdvs y clvvla-zssjkdt rkzz, kv kp pvkzz ckvvla.

65.

R esd’v oydv vs alnyzz vbl rypv, ps R eked’v ts vs vbl nsxrydu, pnbssz, sa rzynlp R sqvld oldv okvb bkx.

R’x yqayke vbyv obld R vbkdj sq bkx, R’zz qllz vbyv vbl rykdjkzzlap esd’v osaj.

Mseyu, R cypjle kd vbl pwd. Mblal’p y vall sd vbl cyznsdu. R vbkdj vbyv vblal kp y vall.

64.

Dkys Dky pldv xl y xlppytl pyukdt vbyv vbl nsxrydu’p nsal rasflnvp olal vyjld swv qsa vayekdt, ypjkdt oblvbla R jdlo ycswv vbkp.

I knew, and also didn’t know.

I have spent 6 to 7 years on this project. I haven’t even fully disclosed it to Xie Min. This project needed an opportunity, an opportunity that needed to be waited for, but I won’t get to wait for it.

So when Xie Min stole the core information I put in the safe that night.

I knew.

But I don’t really want to know.

So I pretend I didn’t know.

63.

I’m too lazy to cook. I ordered takeout.

Scrolling through Moments on WeChat, I saw the post from Xie Min’s secretary–

The Chun Xiang Ju¹some korean restaurant that President Xie took me to tastes really good [love] [love] [rose]

I canceled the takeout, immediately changed my clothes, and drove to Chun Xiang Ju.

I have to try and see how good it really is.

62.

There was too much food in the restaurant yesterday. The food was indeed good. How rare, even across the carved screening, I could still hear Xie Min’s voice praising the good taste.

I watched him smile at the person next to him, a face full of gentleness. I quickly took out my rainbow candies and swallowed one after another.

Alright, so today I lay in bed. I couldn’t get out of bed. It hurts to death. My pill comrade is insensitive and not being devoted to work at all.

It, hurts, to, death.

61.

I posted on Weibo.

A candle lit for myself.

He’s the only one I follow on Weibo. I scrolled through his page. I was in so much pain, I really wanted to cry.

But it wouldn’t come out.

60.

We’re both men. So how can his heart change so quickly.

When he loved me, he loved me with his all. When he does not, he throws me away with a single kick.

Son of a b-tch.

59.

Ordering takeout.

Eating takeout.

Staring at the balcony.

There is a tree.

My friend told me that there is no tree on the balcony.

I had a nightmare.

There’s definitely a tree on the balcony.

58.

No friends.

57.

I came to see the psychologist again, but I still couldn’t voice out my thoughts.

I only told the doctor, there is a tree on the balcony, I have a friend, I want to go home, I want someone to care about me, I want…

What do I want.

I also don’t know.

56.

Took a nap.

Ate egg-fried rice.

After playing a few rounds of Xiao Xiao Le²candy crush type of game, I didn’t have enough stamina. I sent a link to Xie Min asking him to help me click it so I can have more stamina. He ignored me. I had no stamina to play, so I stopped playing.

I cried again.

Since no one told me not to cry, I cried very miserably and loudly. I wasn’t afraid of disturbing others. There is no one in my house except me.

55.

Xie Min ignored me.

He asked me to accompany him to get a divorce.

I took a full bottle of painkillers with me and asked him to pick me up. He didn’t want to bother with me, so he was very uncommunicative. I wanted to talk to him, I said with a smile, “… Have you made up your mind with Xiao Chen?”

He glanced at me, “Why are you acting so considerate now?”

I took and ate a rainbow candy, “No, just asking.”

“Originally, I didn’t need you to accompany me. It’s fine to just send the information over.” Xie Min pursed his mouth. The profile of his face was cold. I glanced at it, then stuffed another rainbow candy into my mouth.

“But I just happen to have time. I’ll consider this leave of the country as a vacation.”

I didn’t know what his logic was. My heart felt very numb. Mr. Rainbow Candy was very dedicated to work today.

54.

Divorced!

53.

I had a bowl of egg-fried rice today.

I loosen the soil for the tree sapling.

And drank a bottle of soda. It felt suffocating.

I sat on the balcony and watched the scenery.

I bought some building blocks.

52.

I took the blocks and built a house, a car, a tree, a flower, and a person.

And another person.

51.

Can’t sleep!

Rainbow candies don’t work, sleeping pills don’t work.

50.

I still have 50K yuan in my card.

Probably enough for me until I die.

49.

[Doctor: Mr. Lin, do you have any kind of distress recently?]

[Patient: …I, I saw a tree growing on the balcony, like a dream. Someone talked to me. He said there was no tree, but there was… I saw it. I saw many moons on the tree, no, they were stars. I counted them many times, but couldn’t give a count.]

[Doctor: Who were you talking to?]

[Patient: It’s… it’s, I don’t know. I thought it was Xie Min, but Xie Min wouldn’t talk to me. He hates me, he went to find someone else!]

[Doctor: Who’s Xie Min?]

[Patient: …Him? He’s my lover. I liked him since the first day of high school. We have been married for ten years. He said I don’t love him… How, how can that be?! How could I not love him… (sobbing) I have loved him for 18 years. How can he say I don’t love him? He hates me, (sobbing) he says he can’t feel my love…]

[Doctor: Did you tell him about the ‘tree’ and the ‘friend’?]

[Patient: (shakes head) He doesn’t talk to me, he ignores me.]

[Doctor: Besides these, are there any other troubles?]

[Patient: I have nightmares, many nightmares, I’m very scared… My mother only knows to ask me for my money, she loves my little brother. I have many nightmares. I’m very scared. I cry every day, but no one comforts me. I’m in pain. Xie Min doesn’t want me… my friend is fake. I have a stack of building blocks. I want someone to accompany me, but I don’t have anyone… (crying in a quiet voice)]

[Doctor: Anything else?]

[Patient: …I’m terminally ill. I won’t live for long.]

[Doctor: …(stunned)]

[Doctor: Mr. Lin, what kind of nightmares do you have?]

[Patient: Roads, they’re so many roads, they are so long… there’s also a bridge, it’s so tall, I can’t see the edge. I keep walking, I’m so tired, so tired, I couldn’t stop. There are also things chasing me. I don’t want to run, I want to be eaten.]

[Doctor: Did your lover say anything to you recently?]

[Patient: He said he hates me the most.]

[Silent]

48.

I attended a concert.

It rained on the way back. I got wet. I bought a large bag of cold-proof medication at the drugstore and went home.

47.

Xiao Xia said he would come see me. He learned through the doctor that I was ill.

I bought a lot of food and happily cooked a big table of food.

Xiao Xia was my secretary at the company. He is a cute boy. When he came, he brought me a bouquet. It smelled very fragrant.

I happily patted him on the shoulder. He took a sudden breath and looked at me tearfully.

“Rui-ge, how could you hide it from me? Wuwuwu…”

“It’s not even a big deal. There’s nothing to hide. Isn’t it better to tell you after it’s cured?” I comforted him.

He asked, feeling aggrieved, “Really?”

It seems that the doctor really didn’t tell him what the illness was. I was relieved. I patted his head and said in a warm voice, “Really.”

“Then did you tell President Xie?”

I smiled, “No, I’m afraid he’ll be worried. He likes to fuss about things. You’d better not tell him, wait until I’m better. The doctor said I’ll recover soon.”

He nodded and began to smile.

I smiled, too.

46.

When I went to the hospital for an IV drip, I met a child, he gave me a rainbow candy.

Feeling the real rainbow candy, I couldn’t help laughing. The real candy tastes pretty good, sour and sweet.

When I went home, I bought a big bag of it. I mixed it with my fake rainbow candy.

Planning on using my luck to pick out the real and fake rainbow candies.

45.

Slept all day.

44.

I had a fever and took some medicine.

Have no strength to hold my phone.

43.

I put my phone flat down and scrolled through Moments on WeChat.

Xie Min showed off his overtime lunch box. I rubbed my stomach that hadn’t had a single drop of water, suddenly feeling hungry.

I don’t have the energy to get up. Might as well starve to death.

42.

I’m really hungry.

I’ll sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep.

I’m dying from hunger.

41.

Can’t bear it, I booked an auntie from a housekeeping company to cook for me.

I asked the auntie to help me up and feed me a bowl of rice. I feel a bit better.

Then closed my eyes and went to sleep.

40.

Today, I can get up. I made myself a bowl of egg-fried rice.

Actually, I want to eat curry rice, but I have no strength to go out. Maybe I’ll try tomorrow.

39.

Saw someone saying that counting money could kill time, I stared at the 29,000 yuan in my balance.

Forget it, I don’t have the strength to go outside and change it into coins.

I could only sit on the sofa and play with building blocks. I made a panda, and a kitty.

The panda’s name is Xiao Xie.

The kitty’s name is Xiao Lin.

Xiao Xie loves Xiao Lin, so he chased after him. As Xiao Lin ran and ran, he suddenly noticed that Xiao Xie didn’t catch up. He was shocked and ran back to find Xiao Xie. It turned out that Xiao Xie was hiding.

When he saw Xiao Lin nervously searching for him with his tail c*cked up, he jumped out with a whoosh and scared Xiao Lin.

Who knew that Xiao Lin would immediately hug and kiss him.

It turns out, Xiao Lin has long fallen in love with Xiao Xie.

38.

Xiao Xie doesn’t love Xiao Lin.

37.

I sat on the balcony and looked at the little tree in the yard.

The sapling sprouted.

My eyes hurt.

Did Xiao Lin secretly cry again last night?

Made my vision all blurry today.

36.

Couldn’t get up, slept for an entire day.

35.

Couldn’t get up, slept for an entire day.

34.

The pain is unbearable.

33.

My voice won’t come out of my throat. My body doesn’t hurt that much anymore. I’m so hungry.

32.

I could finally get up, I went to the living room to watch TV.

It felt like Xie Min was watching it with me, so I watched until 3 in the morning.

31.

Staying up late really does hurts the health. Today, it hurts so much again that I couldn’t get out of bed.

30.

I gained some strength. I found my phone and started playing Xiao Xiao Le. Xie Min used to play with me. I’m already at level 1249, he’s still at level 642.

I scrolled to level 642 and played it many times.

29.

Went outside, which is rare. I bought a new set of clothes and a pair of shoes. I went to that restaurant that Xie Min liked very much for lunch. When I went to bed at night, I fell asleep before dawn.

28.

A picture of Chen Yi was in Xie Min’s Moments today. I wrote a comment, Xiao Chen is really good-looking.

After waiting for a bit, I saw Xie Min deleted it.

27.

Today, I noticed that Xie Min blocked me on WeChat.

When eating, I vomited blood and made the floor dirty. After mopping the floor, I felt dizzy and light-headed. I couldn’t help covering my eyes and cry.

Jeez, I’m already so tired that I could hardly breathe. How come I still have the strength to cry.

What are you crying about, what are you crying about.

He has long since stopped loving you.

He has long since stopped loving you.

26.

Friend-requested him on WeChat. After waiting all morning, he didn’t accept it. I couldn’t help but send another request and wrote a plea, but he still didn’t accept.

I have no appetite to eat. I vomited a lot of blood.

25.

I requested to add him again.

Didn’t accept.

I hate eating. I keep vomiting blood.

24.

I kept begging him.

I sent him a text message, saying I just want to see his life, no other intentions.

My phone number also got blocked.

I have no more strength. I went back under the quilt and lay down.

23.

The sheets are full of blood. Water won’t go down my throat. No strength.

22.

I scratched my thigh until it became unsightly. Hurts so bad.

21.

I want to dream.

20.

I’m a bit better today. I got up to shower and wash the bed sheets. I made myself a bowl of noodles. I ate two bites and began to cough up blood. I still finished eating it in the end.

I turned on the TV. The variety show was very noisy, but very lively. I cleaned the table and placed a box on it. I planned to put my will in it, but it needs several drafts to be finalized.

19.

I called the doctor and asked him to send over some painkillers. He didn’t listen, he said I’m taking too much medicine.

I pretended to be pitiful, saying it’s so painful that I can’t even get out of bed, that I kept vomiting blood. I’m already about to die, so what if I take too much medicine? If I don’t take any painkillers, I’ll die from the pain.

It took him a while to agree to send it to me.

I secretly made a peace sign at myself.

18.

I searched up Xie Min on Baidu and found out that he was recently part of the ribbon-cutting ceremony in the neighboring K city. He looked thinner. I watched it for a bit, then didn’t dare to watch more.

17.

I suddenly remembered about Weibo. I logged in to see him, but found that he had emptied all other content except for the one text post “When I loved you, you pose to be delicate and behaving. When I don’t love you, you pretend to be pitiful. Ruirui, do you always not think you are in the wrong?”

I’m wrong.

I’m indeed wrong.

I couldn’t hold my phone. It fell to the ground and broke into several pieces.

I was wrong.

Absolutely wrong.

16.

Vomited blood, hurts, can’t sleep.

15.

The TV is so noisy, I couldn’t get up and turn it off.

14.

Xiao Lin has already cried my eyes swollen. Useless guy.

13.

Vomited blood, hurts, fell asleep.

12.

I don’t remember what happened.

11.

Today, I took a look at myself in the mirror.

I look like White Bone Demon³antagonist from journey to the west!

So ugly!

10.

Missing my mother who loves me.

9.

I went out, bought curry, and hurried home.

I’m scared of people looking at me. I’m so ugly right now.

8.

After two mouthfuls of congee, I vomited it. Don’t feel comfortable.

I went to lay in bed all afternoon. I couldn’t sleep at night. I counted the stars on the tree.

There were so many, like the stars in the sky.

7.

The first draft of my will is finished!

6.

I thought about my entire life, there weren’t really any good days.

5.

I suddenly want to go to the supermarket to buy a bag of potato chips, the cucumber-flavored one.

4.

The tree has grown a lot taller, it’s to my shoulder now.

3.

Today, I made a bouquet of flowers with lego. Hahaha, aren’t my skills good?

2.

I sent a private message to Xie Min on Weibo.

–Take good care of yourself. Good night.

1.