Solace

Chapter 7

Li Balei was utterly mortified for bursting into tears the moment she saw She Xiao. She blew her nose, then shot Lin Xigu a withering glare. “Why do you always do this? You didn’t say a peep before I got here, now look at me. I’m an embarrassment.”

“You’re not an embarrassment, but I am a little concerned.” Lin Xigu held out the tissue box so she could continue blowing her nose. “You got so emotional at the sight of him that I’m starting to wonder whether you’ve been harbouring a secret crush. I can compromise on a lot of things, but this? You’d leave me no choice but to call off our friendship.”

“F*ck off,” Li Balei knew he was joking as she jabbed a finger at her friend. “You can have him; no one’s got the guts to fight you for him anyway. Besides, I’d be afraid for your life if someone else stole him.”

Guffawing, Lin Xigu clapped Li Balei on the shoulder. “Alright, Princess. Let me whip up something yummy to calm you down.”

”I’m in the mood for sushi.” Li Balei said, and then, after a moment of thought, added, “I also liked that onigiri you made last time with lots of cheese inside. Make it extra cheesy please.”

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“You got it.” Lin Xigu peeked at She Xiao who was sitting across from them, his posture unnaturally formal, and suppressed the urge to laugh. “You just sit tight and wait.”

He summoned She Xiao to keep him company in the kitchen. She Xiao was still unaccustomed to small talk. When Li Balei had burst into tears earlier, She Xiao had looked completely out of his depth. His brow had furrowed slightly as he glanced at Lin Xigu, unsure of what to do.

Lin Xigu was charmed out of his wits by She Xiao’s helpless expression. He would never leave She Xiao to deal with a crying girl by himself; that would have been too much for She Xiao to handle.

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Nkd Dktw xyel sdktkak okvb lmvay nbllpu qkzzkdt qsa Nk Jyzlk. Fbl vssj y ckvl, vbld nsxxldvle okvb y pyvkpqkle pktb, “Rv’p rlaqlnv.”

”Rv’p yzz uswap.” Nkd Dktw pzke vbl rzyvl nzspla vs bla.

Nk Jyzlk zssjle yv bkx, vbld zssjle yv Fbl Dkys. Tla lulp olal pvkzz y ckv ale, cwv pbl pxkzle, “Fvkzz tsse-zssjkdt, R pll.”

”Xq nswapl,” Nkd Dktw oyp pxkzkdt vss okvb rakel kd bkp lulp. “Mbyv’p y tkhld.”

Nkd Dktw vwadle vs Fbl Dkys. “Jyzzlv Qaaaz tslp cu Pa. Nk dso. Fbl’p yd srbvbyzxszstkpv yv Mbkae Tsprkvyz.”

Fbl Dkys dseele. “Mbyv’p talyv.”

“Lyb, pvkzz qya qasx kv. R sdzu fwpv pvyavle xu alpkeldnu. Ebs jdsop kq R’zz lhld rypp.” Nk Jyzlk eked’v oydv vs ekpnwpp bla nyalla yaswde Fbl Dkys. Mbswtb pbl oyp czwdv yde swvprsjld sd vbl pwaqynl, pbl oyp y nsdpkelayvl rlapsd yv blyav. Fbl Dkys bye ynbklhle vbl bktblpv pnsal kd vblka nkvu sd bkp Qysjys lmyx, cwv dso bkp qsaxla nzyppxyvlp olal lkvbla kd tayewyvl pnbssz sa osajkdt qwzz-vkxl fscp. Tl oyp vbl sdzu sdl zlqv clbkde.

Fbl eked’v oydv vs pyu yduvbkdt xsal kd qasdv sq Fbl Dkys.

Thanks to her friendship with Lin Xigu, she had spent a year looking after She Xiao in her own way. She could still vividly remember how She Xiao had protected her when she was accosted at the school gate, even when he had been clearly unwell at the time.

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He was the coolest boy she had ever known. If life had dealt him a different hand, he would have outshone them all.

Li Balei didn’t stay long that morning. She stood to leave after finishing her breakfast. She had originally come over to coax Lin Xigu out of the house, but now that She Xiao was back, she wouldn’t have to worry about that anymore. While Lin Xigu was washing the dishes, she followed him into the kitchen and asked quietly, “What are you two planning to do next?”

”I haven’t thought that far ahead, and I don’t really want to. Not yet. I haven’t asked him yet either.” Lin Xigu smiled. “We’ll see.”

“Mn, no rush.” Li Balei deliberated, then continued in a low voice, “Now that he’s back, you have to live life to the fullest, you hear? Be kinder to yourself.”

Lin Xigu couldn’t hold back his laugh. “When have I not been?”

Li Balei sighed. “Just… take care of yourself, all right? I’m heading out. Not gonna stick around and be the third wheel anymore.”

Lin Xigu had wanted her to stay a little longer but Li Balei had already picked up her bag and was gone.

Of his classmates from that school, Lin Xigu had only stayed in contact with two of them. One was Li Balei and the other was Fang Xiaoshan. Fang Xiaoshan had been dating his girlfriend for two years; Lin Xigu had an inkling they were about to be married soon.

They were alone in the house again. Lin Xigu finished cutting the fruit and carried it out to She Xiao, taking a seat beside him. “We don’t have plans for the rest of today. But we’ll have to go to my dad’s tomorrow and have dinner with him.”

She Xiao nodded. “Okay.”

It seemed to be his answer to almost everything Lin Xigu said, no matter what he said. Lin Xigu turned to look at him. She Xiao’s face was neutral and it was hard to make out any particular emotion in his expression. He turned to meet Lin Xigu’s eyes. “What is it?”

Lin Xigu shook his head. “No, it’s nothing.”

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He enjoyed the time he spent alone with She Xiao. He felt comfortable, but there were times when it still didn’t feel quite real, when the boy She Xiao had been and the man he was now seemed at odds. Sometimes, even their personalities were different. Lin Xigu knew this was only due to the passage of time, but he couldn’t help noticing the strangeness at times.

Maybe he just needed more time.

He smiled, grabbed She Xiao’s hand and kissed his palm.

She Xiao smiled faintly, cupping his chin.

Small, nonverbal gestures of intimacy like this made Lin Xigu feel at ease.


The weather was steadily growing colder. The next day, Lin Xigu had picked out a jacket for She Xiao and could barely keep his eyes off his denim jacket and casual pants ensemble.

”You look great,” Lin Xigu complimented, his eyes curving.

She Xiao patted his hair affectionately. 

Lin Xigu still looked young for his age. Dressed in a thick hoodie with his large, round eyes, he looked like he had just turned twenty. His eyes were glued to She Xiao as if he couldn’t bear to stop looking at him.

“What are you looking at?” She Xiao asked.

Lin Xigu bit his lip and looked down. A few seconds passed before he admitted in a low voice, “You used to dress like this all the time. I liked that.”

She Xiao threaded their fingers together as they walked slowly towards the parking lot and said nothing.

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“You were wearing something similar that year when you came to see me,” Lin Xigu continued.

She Xiao squeezed his hand gently and smiled.

That year, the two of them had been separated and were living in different cities. Lin Xigu had worked hard to rank in the top ten on his test. That evening, after school, he had looked up to see his boyfriend waiting for him. Every cell in his body had come alive from the overwhelming sense of joy and satisfaction.

Remembering that time, Lin Xigu’s heart swelled with emotion. The first thing he did when they both got in the car was throw his arms around She Xiao and press his face into his neck. She Xiao rubbed the back of his head, murmuring, “I’m here.”

Lin Xigu clung a little longer before letting go to buckle his seatbelt and start the engine. He smiled, a little embarrassed, and sniffed. “Well, this is who I am. I suspect I’ll always be this sentimental for as long as we’re together.”

Smiling, She Xiao tugged his ear.

Lin Xigu called his dad, asking, “Hey Pops, where are you now?”

”At the office. Are you coming over?”

“Ah, you’re working today too?” Lin Xigu asked. “When will you be home?”

“I’ll be back soon. If you want to wait for me at home, you can, or you can meet me here. I’ll let you decide,” his dad said through the phone.

”Alrighty, I’ll let you get back to it.”

Lin Xigu hung up, then turned to She Xiao. “Should we head to my dad’s office?”

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”I’m fine with either,” She Xiao said.

“Then let’s meet him there. I didn’t bring my keys,” Lin Xigu said.

She Xiao nodded. “Mn.”

Lin Xigu parked the car in the underground lot and said to She Xiao, “Don’t be nervous when you meet my dad. He’s very easygoing.”

Seeing She Xiao nod, Lin Xigu continued, “He looks mean and can seem a little scary at first, but he only puts on a tough act for outsiders. He’s very kind to his family.”

She Xiao said “mn” again.

Lin Xigu knew this place like the back of his hand. Every person who stepped into the elevator with him and She Xiao seemed to knew who Lin Xigu was and nodded at him.

Lin Xigu smiled as he greeted them back.

The few young women who were familiar with Lin Xigu even asked if the man next to him was his friend.

Lin Xigu nodded, smiling. “Mn, he’s my xiao-ge.”1小哥 can mean older blood relative who is male, but can also be used for a close male friend, particularly a family friend, who is similar in age but older. In contrast, 大哥 (da-ge) would be someone who fits this description and is significantly older, among other common or regional uses. 

The women, who were relatively young, stole glances at She Xiao throughout the elevator ride. Lin Xigu was beginning to feel smug again. He wasn’t worried about other people looking at She Xiao. The more they looked, the more smug he became.

Handsome, right?

He’s mine.

He brought She Xiao into the executive office. His dad was about to head out when they walked in and he paused mid-step when he saw them, raising an eyebrow. His gaze landed squarely on She Xiao, and Lin Xigu hastily said, “Dad, this is She Xiao.”

She Xiao looked at Lin Qiurong, dipping his head, “Shu.”

“Alright, you two sit and make yourselves comfortable first. I’ve got a quick meeting—ten or twenty minutes tops,” Lin Xigu’s dad said.

After he left, his assistant came in and set down two cups of coffee. Lin Xigu let out a breath of relief and whispered, “I don’t know why, but I was kind of nervous back there. I was worried he’d glare at you or try to scare you. He can be pretty intimidating when he’s got his stern face on.”

The two of them continued their quiet conversation in the office. Before long, his dad returned, shrugging off his coat and carrying it in one hand. “Give me a moment,” he said. “I need to have some words with these folks and then we’ll head out.”

“No rush,” Lin Xigu replied. “It’s not like we’re in a hurry or anything.”

A few minutes later, two managers came into the office. His dad exchanged a few words with them, delegated some tasks, and sent them on their way.

“Alright then, ready to go?” his dad asked.

“Let’s go,” Lin Xigu said. “Home?”

“Doesn’t matter. We can eat at home or go out to eat—you decide.”

Lin Xigu thought about it for a moment. “Let’s eat out. We can have dinner at home later.”

“Sure,” his dad replied, glancing at She Xiao. “What about you, She Xiao? Any particular preference?”

“I’m good with anything,” She Xiao said.

The three of them stepped into the elevator. As they descended, Lin Xigu heard his dad pipe up, “It’s good timing that you two showed up today, actually. I’m a little short staffed at the moment. When will you two be free to help out?”

Lin Xigu turned to look at him and blinked. “I told you, didn’t I? I have to return to campus to finish my thesis.”

His dad shifted his attention to She Xiao and chuckled, half-joking and half-serious. “What about She Xiao? Why not just leave him here with me?”

Lin Xigu glanced at She Xiao and brushed the comment aside. “No way. I’m not handing him over to you.”

She Xiao looked at his feet and didn’t say a word.

His dad clicked his tongue and flicked Lin Xigu on the forehead.

In actuality, Lin Xigu knew what his dad was doing. His dad had always looked out for him, helping him plan for both the things he had in mind and the things he had overlooked.

His dad was worried that She Xiao wouldn’t be able to reintegrate into society, that his lack of formal education would limit his future career opportunities. Even though Lin Xigu had sent dozens of boxes of books and study materials to the prison—even if She Xiao had essentially studied the equivalent of three undergraduate and master’s degrees—it didn’t change anything. No matter how much he knew, he still didn’t have a diploma to show for it, and his criminal record made it all too clear that he’d killed someone and served time for it. His prospects were painfully limited.

Letting She Xiao work for his dad seemed like a good path forward, but She Xiao had never mentioned his plans, and Lin Xigu had no idea what he wanted to do. All he could do was steer the conversation away for now.

Later, during dinner, his dad brought it up again, this time speaking directly to She Xiao. “Shadow me for a year first, then you can move into one of our other branches. I can guide you through it, and then after that, you’ll at least have a foot in the door whatever you want to pursue next.”

Lin Xigu turned to look at She Xiao, whose expression betrayed nothing. Then, quietly, She Xiao shook his head. “I’ll have to decline, Shu,” he said.

His refusal was so blunt that even Lin Xigu was caught off guard. Since She Xiao’s return, this was the first time he had ever heard him say no to something. Up until now, no matter what was asked of him, his answer had always been “okay.”

Pouring Lin Qiurong a cup of tea, She Xiao continued, “Thank you for everything, both then and now.”

Back when She Xiao had first been arrested, Lin Xigu’s dad had gone to great lengths to help him, not to mention the money he’d spent. He had also taken charge of countless other details. Without him, the media outlets would have run rampant and She Xiao’s mother wouldn’t have been able to live her life as peacefully as she had.

Lin Qiurong looked at him and took a sip from his cup. As he set the cup down, he said, “No need to thank me. I’m not a softhearted person. My only weakness is my son. Whatever he wants, I will always do my best to provide.”

Lin Xigu traced the rim of his cup as his dad continued, “I’m happy if he’s happy. But if he’s upset or hurt, I can guarantee whoever hurt him won’t have a good time either. His mom and I have spoiled him ever since he was a little kid. He’s got a soft temper and a big heart. People like him.”

“But he’s like me in that he’s a real stubborn one. When you went away, he waited for you. He hasn’t been truly happy these past few years. Now that you’re finally back, it’s up to you to figure out how you two want to live your lives. In any case, you’re both my kids now. If you need anything, just say the word and I’ll be there to help. To the outside world, you’re both my sons. But let me make this abundantly clear, and I hope you won’t take this the wrong way: if he ever gets hurt or suffers in any way, shape or form, then everyone will pay the toll. I hope that never happens.”

She Xiao nodded, his gaze resting on Lin Xigu as he replied, “It won’t happen.”

Lin Xigu rubbed his nose, feeling overwhelmed by the weight of his dad’s affection. He couldn’t help but wish he could share even half the love he had received from his dad with She Xiao.

After that, with the air cleared, the conversation flowed more easily as they got more comfortable with each other. Lin Xigu chatted with his dad while She Xiao occasionally chimed in. It felt quite natural.

His dad turned to She Xiao. “If you don’t want to work for me, then what do you want to do next?”

Lowering his gaze, She Xiao replied, “I’ll probably go back to school.”

“That works too,” his dad said, nodding thoughtfully. “You thinking of taking the Gaokao exam again? Apply for college?”

The cogs in Lin Xigu’s mind were already spinning before She Xiao answered. Yeah, retaking the exam wasn’t a bad idea, and it could make up for the regrets of the last exam. After all, She Xiao had always been brilliant. The only downside was the timing. He was already twenty-five this year. Four years of college…

Hmm, he would be nearly thirty when he graduates, but that’s nothing.

Lin Xigu scooped up a spoonful of corn, lowering his head and eating the corn one kernel at a time.

She Xiao turned his head to look at him. The hoodie Lin Xigu wore made him look impossibly young, like a high school boy. The sight of him nibbling his corn was absurdly endearing.

She Xiao reached over and gently adjusted Lin Xigu’s hood, then answered, “Getting my master’s.”

Lin Xigu froze. He looked up, startled, and met She Xiao’s warm gaze head-on.

He blinked, then reminded softly, “You can’t get into grad school without getting your undergraduate degree first… We’ll still have to get through four years of college… It’s fine, though. I’ll be right there with you.”

She Xiao looked at him and, surprisingly, smiled. The smile made Lin Xigu’s heart tingle.

The smile suffused his eyes and brows with gentle warmth. Still smiling faintly, She Xiao said, “I can do it. Trust me.”

Lin Xigu had no idea how that would work, but at that moment, he trusted She Xiao completely. If She Xiao said it was true, then it had to be true.

A quiet happiness began to bloom in his chest, as if he could already see hope starting to take form.

Later, as they finished their meal and stood up to leave, Lin Xigu leaned into She Xiao, his eyes sparkling as he asked, “Was everything you said true?”

She Xiao touched his ear, his voice low as he replied, “Mn. I won’t make you… wait for me that long ever again.”


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