Chapter 10

In the soft light of the afternoon, Lin Xigu got his fill, just like he wanted.

He was carried into the tub by She Xiao. Lying across She Xiao’s chest, he let She Xiao clean him, clearing the fluids from his body.

The embarrassment lingered but Lin Xigu didn’t have the strength to bathe himself. He rested his head against She Xiao’s shoulder, his lips against his neck, feeling the blood pulsing through the veins underneath. Lin Xigu laughed breathily, his voice hoarse and weaker than usual. “She Xiao, you’re so pale.”

She Xiao chuckled quietly, encircling his waist underwater and massaging it gently. “I’ve tanned.”

“You’re still pale,” Lin Xigu laughed blissfully, rubbing his face into She Xiao’s shoulder. “You were more tan than you are now when you first came home.”

“Do you like me less then?” She Xiao asked.

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Nkd Dktw czkdjle okvb y zygu, pzktbvzu ldayrvwale pxkzl. “Mbyv’p kxrsppkczl.”

Gqvlaoyaep, Fbl Dkys blzrle bkx yrrzu vbl vsrknyz nalyx yde zyu bszekdt bkx kd cle, vaukdt vs nsdhkdnl bkx vs pzllr. Mbl pju oyp yzalyeu pbsokdt pxwetlp sq ewpj, cwv yzvbswtb Nkd Dktw’p cseu oyp vkale, bkp xkde oyp pvkzz qwzzu yoyjl, yde bl jlrv Fbl Dkys kd ynvkhl nsdhlapyvksd.

“Pke R bwav usw lyazkla?” Fbl Dkys ypjle.

“Lsv yv yzz,” Nkd Dktw pxkzle. “Slyzzu. R’x dsv zukdt.”

Fbl Dkys bye tsdl vs pwnb zldtvbp vs cl tldvzl vbyv vblal oyp ds oyu Nkd Dktw nswze byhl clld kd rykd. Jlnywpl vblka qkapv vkxl bye clld cawvyz clusde xlypwal; vblal bye clld dsvbkdt cwv czsse yde ydtwkpb.

Fs kv oyp yp kq Fbl Dkys bye clld rwarsplzu vaukdt vs xyjl yxldep. Tl bye esdl lhlauvbkdt bl nswze vs bsze bkxplzq cynj, vs xyjl bkp ynvksdp tldvzl, vs xyjl pwal Nkd Dktw qlzv rzlypwal, dsv rykd. 

Nkd Dktw’p blyav pvkzz vbasccle obld bl xldvyzzu rzyule cynj vbl kdvkxynu vbyv bye fwpv snnwaale clvolld vbl vos sq vblx. Fbl Dkys’p yaxp bye clld qwzz sq pvaldtvb, vbl zkdlp sq bkp cseu yp bkp xwpnzlp qzlmle yde vktbvldle olal xlpxlakgkdt.

Rd psxl oyup, bl alyzzu eke zssj ekqqlaldv vbyd clqsal; bl bye clld vss lxynkyvle clqsal.

When it came to matters of the heart, sex was the best regulator.

After that day, the distance and unfamiliarity that had divided them vanished almost completely so that even the air around them smelled sweet. They exchanged unspoken words each time their eyes met. No two people in this world are closer than we are to each other.

For several days afterwards, Lin Xigu would repeatedly recall the words She Xiao had said right before he came: “I would regularly fantasize about fucking you like this… and jerk myself off.”

Those words had shaken Lin Xigu to the core and every time he remembered them, his heart would race and he would find himself aroused all over again.

---

That Thursday afternoon, Lin Xigu posted to his WeChat feed during his break: “I hope property management doesn’t knock on my door again this weekend.”

The post also included a photo of the leafy plant on his balcony.

Lin Xigu picked a few comments to reply to before returning to work. By the time he checked his phone again, he noticed that She Xiao had ‘liked’ his post.

Lin Xigu suddenly felt overcome with sweetness.

Li Balei sent him a private message, asking,

Are you going somewhere this weekend? What do you have planned?

Lin Xigu said:

Not a thing.

Li Balei replied with a ‘pair of eyeballs’ emoji:

Then why worry about property management knocking on your door.

Lin Xigu replied with a ‘devilish grin’ emoji.

He scrolled further down his feed and paused over a post.

It was posted by an old neighbour of his, Xie Yang.

The photo showed a sky full of stars, each point glinting against the dark backdrop. They looked so radiant, so distinct, as if they were almost touching Earth’s sky.

But the accompanying text was what had made Lin Xigu’s thumb freeze: “Congratulations on the wedding. I wish you a lifetime of love and happiness.”

Lin Xigu swiped away, feeling slightly suffocated for air.

He and Xie Yang hadn’t spoken much these past couple of years. The latter had been away, teaching in Gansu as part of an educational aid program and hadn’t been home in a while. Xie Yang was an outgoing and energetic young man who had volunteered to keep his teaching post of his own volition. He would occasionally post pictures of his students and sometimes of himself.

He was tanned, and had grown to be very mature.

Lin Xigu had come to learn a little more about his life. Every time he returned home, he would always reach out to Lin Xigu, bring him souvenirs, and invite him out to dinner.

“In wine, there is truth,” as the saying goes, and some of that truth found its way to Lin Xigu’s ears.

All in all, Xie Yang revealed himself to be yet another stubborn soul. Lin Xigu could still remember what he had said after drinking one glass too many, “I’m too single-minded—I can be so pig-headed that even I hate myself for it.”

Truthfully, in all the time that Lin Xigu had known him, he had never thought him stubborn or unreasonable; Xie Yang was a very easy-going person. Perhaps he had squandered all his stubbornness elsewhere.

Xie Yang was not explicit with what he shared but Lin Xigu was able to piece together the ins and outs of the affair.

Trapped on this mortal coil, everyone held tight to some form of faith. Xie Yang’s faith was his uncle. No matter how much he tried to talk himself out of it, it was impossible for him to let go. He wanted to keep him captive forever, even at the expense of turning his back on every moral principle.

Lin Xigu locked his screen.

There was nothing more painful than unrequited devotion. He hoped that everyone would find their peace.

---

He had to work overtime again that day. She Xiao was waiting for him downstairs and had been waiting for two hours before Lin Xigu finally climbed into the car. “I didn’t expect that to run over by so much. I should have told you to take your time.”

She Xiao smiled. “No worries. Hungry?”

“I’m okay,” Lin Xigu leaned over to kiss She Xiao before putting on his seatbelt. “I’m so sorry that I’m always making you wait.”

She Xiao raised an eyebrow. “And?”

Lin Xigu suddenly remembered that She Xiao had been mad about him over-apologizing and so he shook his head, smiling. “And nothing! And let’s go eat. I might have to work overtime again tomorrow. But that means I won’t have to work on the weekend!”

“Good,” She Xiao shifted gears and drove out of the parking lot.

He had passed his driver’s test and was now the designated driver from time to time. Lin Xigu watched him from the passenger seat. “There’s cake in the back,” She Xiao said. “You eat first.”

Lin Xigu grabbed it from the backseat and thanked him, smiling.

Digging in with a small spoon, he glanced at the books on the backseat as he asked She Xiao, “Where did you go today?”

“The library,” She Xiao answered.

“Was it noisy?” Lin Xigu asked.

“No, it wasn’t busy.”

Lin Xigu smiled to himself. He particularly liked the mature and dependable air She Xiao had about him. She Xiao had already mastered the requisite knowledge for both an undergraduate and graduate degree, so the postgraduate entrance exam should have been a walk in the park for him, but he was studying diligently nevertheless.

The charisma of a top student had not faded.

As for the entrance exam, Lin Xigu’s anticipation was inextricably high because he knew that She Xiao would still be as brilliant as he was when they’d first met; his place was on the podium, in the spotlight.

Lin Xigu was waiting to bear witness to his light.

She Xiao turned his head to look at him. “What are you smiling at?”

Lin Xigu scooped up another spoonful of cake and placed it in his mouth. “I’m smiling at how handsome you are.”

That made She Xiao smile too. After a while, he mused, “You know, these past few years, I’ve always wondered what would have happened if I wasn’t so good-looking.”

Lin Xigu laughed light-heartedly. He had once confessed to She Xiao that he had only fancied him in the beginning because of his face.

She Xiao spun the steering wheel, rounding the corner, then continued, “Where would I be if you didn’t fall in love with me?”

I might have been trapped in the mud forever, swallowed up by darkness. There would have been no light in my life, no sun.

Lin Xigu’s laughter subsided after a while and he began to wrestle with the question as well. Would he have fallen for She Xiao if he wasn’t as good-looking?

After a hard think, he concluded, “No, I definitely would have fallen for you.”

She Xiao glanced at him. 

Lin Xigu felt a little self-conscious as he looked down at his hands. “Otherwise, why would I have fallen for you, of all the good-looking people in the world? Otherwise, with all the connections my dad had, why did I end up at our school and not anywhere else? And with so many classes in our year, how did I get placed in that exact room, sitting right beside you?”

He hiccoughed a laugh, rubbing his nose. “It was all fated to be. I was fated to meet you and, no matter what, fated to love you.”

His theory made She Xiao laugh. “Mn.”

They decided to dine out that day. Lin Xigu was deep in conversation with She Xiao when he just happened to lift his head and catch sight of a passerby.

The man had noticed him too, his eyes moving from him to She Xiao who was seated across from him. The man’s expression didn’t change, but his eyes lingered on She Xiao, which made Lin Xigu automatically tense up.

“What’s wrong?” She Xiao asked.

Lin Xigu shook his head. “Nothing, just zoned out for a second.”

He quickly averted his gaze, not wanting She Xiao to turn and look over his shoulder. She Xiao had always been indifferent to his surroundings and didn’t investigate, which allowed Lin Xigu to relax a little.

He’d recognized that person immediately.

It was one of She Xiao’s uncles.

He had seen that man once before when he’d first visited She Xiao’s family. That man had been sitting next to She Xiao’s grandfather and, in some ways, resembled She Xiao’s father.

Seeing him undoubtedly dampened Lin Xigu’s mood. The conversation dried up afterwards. “Upset about something?” She Xiao asked.

“No,” Lin Xigu shook his head, flashing him a quick smile. “It’s nothing.”

She Xiao’s gaze was concerned as he probed Lin Xigu’s eyes. Still smiling, Lin Xigu asked, “Shall we go home?”

She Xiao nodded. “Let’s go.”

Lin Xigu wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Even breathing the same air as someone from that side of the family made him uncomfortable. But more than that, he was scared of She Xiao laying eyes on the man. She Xiao was in a good state right now and everything was going well—Lin Xigu didn’t want him to remember, didn’t want She Xiao to ever have to recall the horrors of his past.

However, Murphy’s Law was the only constant in life. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

They had just reached the door when they saw the man coming toward them from the opposite direction.

She Xiao went rigid almost instantly. From beside him, Lin Xigu noticed She Xiao’s pupils visibly contracting.

They were not the reason for the man’s approach; he had simply been there to greet someone who had overtaken them from behind and looked to be an executive of some sort. The man plastered a toadyish smile on his face as he walked over to shake hands with the newcomer.

In that moment, Lin Xigu couldn’t care less about who might be watching; he held She Xiao’s hand tight and swung it gently.

She Xiao still looked as though he were in a trance. He stared at the man, petrified, his breathing rapid and shallow.

The man was already walking away, only sparing them a glance before turning his back. Lin Xigu moved to stand in front of She Xiao and said in a small voice, “She Xiao. She Xiao, look at me.”

“Don’t look at him, look at me… I’m right here.”

Lin Xigu’s brows were furrowed as his voice edged toward desperation. Since She Xiao had returned, he hadn’t relapsed once. Even the pace of his speech sounded normal again; it had seemed as though he was completely recovered.

“She Xiao.” Lin Xigu pulled him away. “Let’s go home.”

As soon as they entered the parking lot and settled into the car, Lin Xigu threw his arms around She Xiao, soothing softly by his ear. “She Xiao, look at me. He wasn’t who you thought he was. The worst is over…”

Lin Xigu held him close, kissing his face and patting his back with gentle reassurance. “We’ve grown up. The past is long gone. There’s nothing to be afraid of anymore.”

Lin Xigu was uneasy. The hands holding She Xiao were trembling. He was afraid something had been triggered inside him. The hellish years She Xiao had been forced to endure had left behind a scar on his heart that was too deep and monstrous.

“Mn.” She Xiao finally broke his silence. He slowly raised a hand, rubbing the back of Lin Xigu’s head, and echoed in a whisper, “Nothing to be afraid of.”

Lin Xigu kissed his ear, still murmuring, “I’m here.”

She Xiao closed his eyes and pressed his face into the crook of Lin Xigu’s neck, breathing in the faint scent of his shampoo. He kissed Lin Xigu’s neck, his voice somber. “Mn. You’re here.”