Chapter 11

When I was eating at Yu Haiqiao’s house, his mother- that’s not right, mother-in-law kept putting vegetables into my bowl, saying, “Shi Ran is too thin. What do you usually eat? You shouldn’t be picky.”

Yu Haiqiao and his dad stared at the sports channel on the TV in the living room with their bowls and chopsticks in hand. On the TV, two Chinese people were representing other countries in a table tennis match. Yu Haiqiao’s eyes were glued on the TV but his ears did not idle. Hearing his mom’s words, he said, “Mom, she already weighs 102 pounds, and you still think she’s skinny?”

I gently put down the chopsticks on the bowl upon hearing this. Yu Haiqiao’s mom usually cooked with very little oil and salt. To be honest, to me, it wasn’t as appetizing as Yu Haiqiao’s cooking. Moreover, she also placed a huge chicken leg in my bowl. I have never been one to rebuff an elderly’s kind intentions so I wouldn’t tell her directly that I wouldn’t eat this and to not give it to me. Instead, I put down my chopsticks and looked at Mother Yu, using a very grievous appearance to look at her, “Yu Haiqiao has been calling me fat as of late.”

Mother Yu slapped her son’s back, “How is Shi Ran fat? You really think she looks fat!”

Yu Haiqiao was taken aback. He glanced at me hesitantly and then shifted his eyes onto the chicken drumstick in my bowl. I could definitely swear he looked at me in disgust. He reached out his chopsticks, picking off the drumstick from my bowl to put into his as he told his mom, “Don’t give her this. When have you seen her eating something like this?”

I smiled at Yu Haiqiao, “En, I know you liked eating chicken legs the most.”

“…” Yu Haiqiao glanced at me with his eyebrows furrowed and he looked as if he was going to sneer in the next second, ‘Shi Ran, if you continue this f*cking act, I’m going to puke.’

I calmly retracted my gaze and continued to eat. Before Yu Haiqiao’s mother could even start to talk about how gentle and virtuous Yu Haiqiao was in the past, I interrupted her, “Mom, let him eat. I really don’t like chicken legs.”

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Zw Tykikys pvyavle vbl nya yde eashl pzsozu vs vbl lmkv sq vbl ryajkdt zsv, “Ps usw jdso obyv pnkldnl pyup kp vawl?”

R zkpvldle vs Zw Tykikys tkhkdt xl rsrwzya pnkldnl qynvp.

“Rq y xyd’p hyakswp qwdnvksdp yal hlau dsaxyz, sa lhld clusde vbl dsaxyz zlhlz.”

“Gal usw alqlaakdt vs uswaplzq?”

“Eykv y plnsde, R pvkzz byhld’v qkdkpble prlyjkdt. Ebu yal usw kdvlaawrvkdt xl?”

“…” I silently rolled my eyes.

“If one man, who’s in his thirties and has a strong and healthy body, with all physical indicators very normal or beyond the normal level, goes to the gym twice a week to exercise, and on weekends, goes out for a night run for half an hour to an hour, joins a marathon every half a year.”

“It’s possible that he’s not good at a certain function.” I said on time.

Yu Haiqiao ignored my interruption and continued speaking, “Suffers an attack on his self-esteem by his wife, he would lose the joy of life. He’d become no different to a walking dead, and can no longer be a man who contributes to society. “

I turned my head to look at Yu Haiqiao, feeling a little amused, but I couldn’t laugh, and maintained a very serious expression, turning my head to look at the scenery outside the car window.

“The most important thing is that science shows that when someone says her husband can’t do it, the originally competent husband may really start to fail in that regard.”

Yu Haiqiao told me a tongue twister and I tried to hold back my laugh, maintaining a tense, doubtful expression, “Which science is this from?”

Yu Haiqiao said, “It’s just like when a man has a wife who’s actually fat, ugly and fierce, and also puts up an obedient facade in front of the elders, but the man is too kind to tell his own wife her flaws.”

“…Dog Yu” I said, “Science shows that that person is about to lose his wife.”

Yu Haiqiao stifled his laugh upon hearing this and bared his lower teeth at me after he finished. He viciously told me, “Shi Ran, if you say that I’m incompetent once more, would you believe that I would park the car at the side and discipline you?”

“…” I showed him my two rows of pearly whites like a stewardess’s business smile and then called him, “Stupid.”

Yu Haiqiao was most probably a miserable wretch. After being cursed out by me, he no longer brought up his pseudoscience, and even hummed a horrible-sounding song happily.

**

In the middle of the road, he seemed to suddenly recall something, “You blacklisted me on your phone and WeChat. Put me back on the whitelist.”

“I didn’t. You must’ve hallucinated it.” I said randomly.

Yu Haiqiao called his cell phone, “Hey Siri.” After receiving an electronic female voice as a response, he said, “Call Shi Ran.”

“…” I was amazed by Yu Haiqiao’s action.

Then his phone rang.

“Sorry, the call you have made is temporarily unavailable, please call again later.” The electronic alert sounded in the car.

“My phone’s broken.” My face remained unchanged.

“Apple recently released a new phone.” Yu Haiqiao concluded.

I was quite satisfied with his conclusion, but nitpicked out of habit, “It’s been out for several months.” And continued to speak, “Switch recently came out with a fitness ring.”

Yu Haiqiao’s voice sounded shocked, “You sold the switch I gifted you long ago,” Then proceeded to say, “You don’t even work out.”

I-

Yu Haiqiao said, “I think you’ve been mad at me these past few days.”

I think you think quite right. I gently questioned, “What’s wrong?”

“Speak the way you usually do!” Yu Haiqiao shouted.

“This is how I normally speak.” The expression on my face didn’t change and there was no trace of fear at all. From today onwards, I will no longer be Shi Ran, but a blackened version of Niohuru¹Niohuru: prominent Manchu clan during the Qing dynasty. The clan had inhabited the Changbai Mountains since as early as the Liao dynasty. The clan was well known during the Qing dynasty for producing a variety of consorts of all ranks for emperors, several of whom went on to become mothers to reigning emperors. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Niohuru with dark eyeshadow and long eyeliner. In the days to come, I will treat Yu Hai with warmth like spring does to all living things and as tenderly as a mother treats their child.

“Was it because I spoke up in the junior high school group chat this afternoon?” Yu Haiqiao seriously questioned.

Me: “Hmm.” I replied back in a friendly manner.

“That’s not my fault, right? This afternoon, a schoolmate who suddenly contacted me out of nowhere, asked me if I had kicked the bucket so when I heard this, I was stunned.”  Yu Haiqiao’s tone sounded sincere.

Me: “Uh-huh.”

Yu Haiqiao glanced at me while busily driving, “Is your nose blocked?”

I said, “No.”

“…” Yu Haiqiao looked ahead with a complicated expression.

“…” After a few seconds of silence, he then said, “Later on, I heard that the news came from the junior high school group chat, so I had an idea as to what was going on.”

Me: “Uh-huh.”

Yu Haiqiao yelled, “Speak to me normally!!”

I secretly gave him a blank look, but said, “Okay.”

“…” Yu Haiqiao clenched the steering wheel tightly, and only probably calmed down after a long while. He continued to speak, even chuckling as he said, “Aiya, I was joking with you, wifey. Let’s quickly make up and stop this fight.”

I said, “We’re not fighting.”

Yu Haiqiao let out a long sigh from his chest, and apologized heavily, “I was wrong.”

“You’re not wrong,” I said.

“I was wrong,” he said.

“You’re not wrong.” I continued, I’d like to see how long this could go on for.

“…” Yu Haiqiao was silent for a moment, and began to change his strategy, holding the commanding heights of morality. “You said those words first, Shi Ran. I am the victim of this incident. I have to take time to explain this matter to others. Your joke was too much. I did this to cooperate with you and make you happy. You have no reason to blame me.”

Heh, high-achieving students sure were different. They spoke in such a serious manner, speaking as though it made a lot of sense. Although it seemed like the facts were indeed as he said, was I a reasonable person? Was I someone who would reason with a b!tch like Yu Haiqiao? I wasn’t, so I said,” I don’t blame you, and I didn’t blame you.”

Yu Haiqiao broke down, and said, “I will place an order for a new phone for you when we get home and we’ll also get that switch and fitness ring, okay?”

I said, “Okay. Thank you hubby.”

Yu Haiqiao sighed, “I give up, Shi Ran. Your Alipay is already tied to mine in a family account so you can buy whatever you want but why do you have to torture me? Didn’t you even purchase something a few days ago?”

What Yu Haiqiao said was really funny.

He had completely messed up the cause and effect of my intentions. Did I do it for the sake of buying something? I didn’t. I only simply wanted to piss him off.

The way to maintain the vitality of the marriage was to maintain the vitality of the interaction between the husband and wife. I had gained great insight in my marriage relationship that I very much welcome midnight marriage consulting radio shows to invite me to be a host.

I guarantee that I could definitely make a couple of pairs break up.

KMH – TOC for advanced chapters [Complete]