Epilogue

That year, when the final Gaokao scores were released, She Xiao’s name was third from the top for their province.

The entire city exploded.

Both the school and the provincial ministry of education tried their best to suppress the news, to stop the wildfire from spreading, to keep it off the headlines. That year, any event honouring the Gaokao champions featured only the first, second and fourth place finishers.

Where was the third place representative?

The third place representative was on trial for murder.

— The Gaokao champion of an unnamed city had committed homicide; he had killed his own father.

It was the most chaotic summer in living memory. Lin Xigu wept and pleaded over and over, Ba, won’t you please save him? His dad’s brows had been tightly locked and he had tried to say something a few times, but couldn’t muster the words after seeing his son in such a state. At last, he had thrown a comforting arm around Lin Xigu and thumped him on the shoulder.

Through his connections, Lin Xigu’s dad had retained a reputable defence lawyer. “Everything I can do, I’ve done,” he said. “Whatever happens now, you’ll have to live with, as does She Xiao. We all have to experience hardship for our lives to be complete. Many years later, you will look back on this and think, ‘This was nothing. This was just a blip in time.’”

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Nkd Dktw dseele.

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Xdzu pkm ulyap.

Fkm ulyap kd lmnbydtl qsa xu Fbl Dkys vs cl qall qsalhla.

Nkd Dktw okvbealo qasx yzz pnbssz nbyv taswrp yde psnkyz lhldvp. Tl nswzed’v bydezl pllkdt svbla rlsrzl ekpnwpp vbl dlop sq vbl eyu. Mbyv pwxxla, kv pllxle yzz ydusdl oydvle vs vyzj ycswv oyp “vbl Qysjys jkzzla.” Ohlau osae vblu pyke xyel Nkd Dktw oydv vs nzyo bkp lulp swv.

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Rv oyp yzxspv yp kq vblu bsrle vbyv cu dsv pyukdt bkp dyxl, Nkd Dktw oswze cl yczl vs qsatlv vbyv rlapsd qsa tsse.

Lin Xigu did not want to talk to anyone about what happened either. Waiting was a game for one. When it came to the kind of loneliness that grew deep within the heart, it was more comforting to keep it buried; the more one talked about it, the harder it was to control.

Without hesitation, he enrolled in a local university, in the city where he used to live and a three-hour drive from She Xiao. At first, he would visit She Xiao every month. Separated by a pane of glass, he would plaster a smile on his face as he talked to She Xiao about this and that.

She Xiao’s hair had been shaved off, leaving only a thin layer of fuzz, but Lin Xigu still thought he looked good, and perhaps even more attractive than before.

Lin Xigu never cried in front of She Xiao. Even when he missed him a lot. His eyes would redden but he never shed tears.

“She Xiao, I called your mom today. Turns out I used up your visitation quota again this month,” Lin Xigu smiled guiltily. “She wants to see you but I… I still want to visit. I don’t know how to ask though.

“I bought a car last week, so I won’t have to take a cab to come here anymore. I don’t know if it’s because I have a gullible face, but the cabbies always upcharge me. Now that I can drive myself, I won’t be ripped off again.

“You should read when you have time. You can read about what I’m learning. You have to keep up, you know. You have the books I brought you, yeah? When we declare our majors next year, we’ll figure out what you want to specialize in as well. Keep studying, Mr. Top Student.”

Every hour-long visit flew by in the blink of an eye. It always seemed like their hour was up after a simple exchange. So with the limited time he was given, he always spoke rapidly so as to make the most use of the time.

Sometimes, She Xiao would smile at the things he said.

He still looked so beautiful and gentle when he smiled.

There was one time when She Xiao smiled at him that made Lin Xigu suddenly stop mid-sentence, his face gradually turning red. His eyes darted away as he nervously avoided looking at the prison guard standing next to She Xiao.

He scooted forward, covering his mouth with his hand to prevent someone from reading his lips, and whispered into the mouthpiece, “I… when you looked at me like that… I’m hard now, what should I do…?”

His soft, low voice passed enticingly through the phone to She Xiao on the other end.

She Xiao smiled, his eyes tender as he looked at Lin Xigu, and reminded in a low voice, “We’re being monitored.”

“Oh…” Lin Xigu looked around self-consciously. “I know, but… so what, let them listen. I’m in a relationship here—it’s not like it’s a crime to b-be hard…?”

He always acted this way in front of She Xiao—enthusiastic and cheerful with a huge grin on his face. Every time he left, he would say, “I have to go now. Don’t get into any fights, don’t overwork yourself, don’t catch a cold, don’t get hurt. And you don’t have to worry about me either. I’m doing great.”

She Xiao never had much to say but his expression was always calm. Lin Xigu would walk away with a smile, but as soon as he turned and walked out the door, his mood would sink.

And the tidal wave of indescribable sadness and sorrow would overwhelm him again.

---

Lin Xigu had transformed into a top student.

A true top student who didn’t need to rely on luck, the kind who consistently won national scholarships. He spent nearly every moment outside of class studying, learning as much as he could.

His roommates teased him, “Lin Xigu, do you have some kind of disease where you get sick if you’re not studying?”

Lin Xigu forced a laugh, “Maybe.”

He did feel uneasy when he wasn’t studying. He felt empty, as if he didn’t know what else to do. He wasn’t studying for himself—he studied because his boyfriend was a Gaokao champion who had been destined to fly even higher.

But now, he was trapped in a cage, unable to spread his wings just yet.

Lin Xigu had to work hard so that when She Xiao was ready to take flight again, he could be his wings.

For the first year and a half of college, Lin Xigu never left the city. It was a walled fortress, and Lin Xigu had trapped himself inside. He never wanted to take a single step outside.

He had planted himself here.

The young boy was growing up. He was shedding his skin.

Growth is invisible. It happens in the still of night, in the spaces between breaths, be they deep or shallow.

The once naive and carefree boy was becoming ever more brilliant, like a star just beyond reach.

---

Blinking, Lin Xigu said to She Xiao, “Haha, can you believe some of the girls at school were calling me the “heart-throb of the industrial management department”? I was so embarrassed. I wanted to show them a picture of my boyfriend—then they’d know what real beauty looks like. They’ve never met anyone who’s actually good-looking before, tch…”

She Xiao looked at him seriously and said, “They… have good taste.”

“My boyfriend is better looking,” Lin Xigu licked his lips. “Maybe because we’ve been together so long, we’re starting to look alike. That’s what I told them anyway.”

She Xiao’s laughter, low and deep, came through the phone, heating Lin Xigu’s ears. He fidgeted with the mouthpiece, sending a static crackle through to She Xiao, as if he were directly tickling his heart.

---

Lin Xigu never wanted to miss visitation, even if he was sick, even if he had a fever of 40 degrees.

He originally hadn’t wanted She Xiao to see him so sick, so he called She Xiao’s mother and said, “Ayi, I don’t think I’ll be going today.”

His voice was hoarse.

She Xiao’s mother asked him what was wrong.

After some hesitation, Lin Xigu said, “Actually, I changed my mind. Ayi, I still want to go! Is it okay if I let you go next time? Or we can apply for both of us to go together.”

He couldn’t not go. He would probably not tell She Xiao that he was skipping because he had a fever, but if he didn’t explain himself, what would She Xiao think? What if he read too much into it?

So Lin Xigu lied to She Xiao, “I ran here just now, I’m all sweaty. Is my face red?”

At first, She Xiao nodded, “Mn, it’s red. Why were you running?”

Lin Xigu laughed, “I was… um, in a hurry.”

But as their conversation continued, She Xiao’s expression gradually darkened. At last, he fixed Lin Xigu with a severe stare and asked, “What’s wrong with your voice?”

Lin Xigu blinked, “Nothing. I’m fine.”

She Xiao’s face grew even more serious. “A fever?”

Lin Xigu shook his head, “No! I don’t have a fever. I was running too fast and it made me cough so that’s why my throat’s all scratchy.”

She Xiao didn’t say anything as he studied Lin Xigu’s eyes. Lin Xigu had never been good at lying, and despite trying to meet She Xiao’s gaze, he pressed his lips together which was his tell.

She Xiao stood, trying to touch Lin Xigu’s face through the glass.

Lin Xigu immediately reached out to meet his touch but felt only cold glass beneath his fingers. In that instant, Lin Xigu suddenly wanted to cry. His throat and eyes ached, his emotions on the verge of bursting. 

The look in She Xiao’s eyes made Lin Xigu afraid to meet them. His heart was trapped in a vice being wound tighter and tighter.

She Xiao touched the glass gently with the back of his hand, as if using his knuckles to trace the outline of Lin Xigu’s face. Standing there, She Xiao closed his eyes.

Then, still clutching the phone, he said in a low voice, “Don’t… come here anymore.”

Lin Xigu had not cried in front of She Xiao since She Xiao was first incarcerated. He finally broke down as he asked, “Why? What’s changed…?”

She Xiao gave him one final, deep look, and said, “Go… live your life.”

Lin Xigu could only watch as She Xiao turned his back on him and walked away.

Lin Xigu returned to his dormitory and fell unconscious for two days. The college nurse came by to set up an IV drip for him.

---

Lin Xigu never saw She Xiao again after that.

She Xiao refused to meet him.

Lin Xigu was later handed a note by the correctional officer. In She Xiao’s elegant handwriting, the note read:

— I take back what I said before. Don’t waste your life on me.

Clutching the note in his hand, Lin Xigu completely fell apart.

The only thing keeping him going had been She Xiao, and now that was gone.

He still showed up for visitation every month, but She Xiao never appeared again. At first, Lin Xigu blamed himself for his decision that day, wondering if he had upset She Xiao when he had shown up despite running a fever.

But later, he came to understand—and perhaps some part of him had always known—that She Xiao had long stopped wanting him to come. She Xiao would always look at him as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t, his eyes carrying something unfathomably deep and heavy.

Lin Xigu had once found She Xiao a difficult person to read, but now, there was no one on the planet who understood She Xiao better than he did.

Prison was a cage. Locked within it was one body, but two souls.

The radiant light that was Lin Xigu shouldn’t be trapped here; he should have the right to spread his wings. 

The last time Lin Xigu went to the prison, he plied the correctional officer with two packs of cigarettes and asked him to pass a message to She Xiao.

— She Xiao, be it ten years or twenty, you have to wait for me. If you don’t wait for me, then I’ll have nothing to live for anymore.

Lin Xigu did not leave right away. He stood outside, waiting.

He waited until the correctional officer returned and handed him a note. The officer looked at Lin Xigu’s bowed head and did not know what else to say. Letting out a long sigh, he lit a cigarette and stood with Lin Xigu for a few minutes.

He didn’t understand kids anymore. They were all so strange.

She Xiao had written a single line on the note:

— If you must wait, then wait for me on the other side. When you can’t wait any longer, walk away and don’t look back.

Lin Xigu rubbed his nose. He left with the note in his pocket.

When he got home, he ripped the note in half and kept only the first sentence. He taped it to the wall by his bed so that it was the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes in the morning.

For some people, love was selfish, it was possessive.

But She Xiao was not like that. Lin Xigu understood him too well.

Lin Xigu had grown up. He had become stronger. She Xiao was trying to push him away again but Lin Xigu could handle it. He wasn’t going to cry at him anymore and ask She Xiao what had given him the right.

What had given She Xiao the right?

Love, of course.

One quarter of a six-year sentence had already passed in the blink of an eye; there were only four and a half more years to go. Lin Xigu read She Xiao’s note every day, thinking all the while,

I’m waiting for you. I’m staying right where I am.

After today, there would be one less day to wait. Four years was nothing.

Translator’s Note: Wow, what an incredible feeling to finally put the finishing touches on my first novel translation. I’m sure at some point in the future, I’ll go through and beta all the chapters and clean up the trail of typos and awkward translations I’ve probably left behind but for now, I’m happy with the end result. I hope my readers have enjoyed this as well (but also totally valid if you didn’t). Next on my docket is Solace which follows Lin Xigu and She Xiao’s story four years in the future. Please look forward to it~