Chapter 64

They had one more class before noon. Lin Xigu and She Xiao walked back to the classroom together. Lin Xigu’s eyes stayed red the whole time, his chest tight.

As long as She Xiao was okay, he could handle anything, could make it through no matter what, because there was still a light at the end of the tunnel. But when She Xiao was not okay, Lin Xigu found each day similarly insufferable. It sowed the desire to remain by his side every day, and as soon as the thought started to sprout, it took root in his heart with unbridled speed and grew out of control.

Li Balei noticed Lin Xigu coming back with puffy, red eyes when he had been perfectly fine the last time she saw him. She asked quietly, “Xiao-Xigu, what’s wrong?”

Lin Xigu sniffed, shaking his head. “Nothing. Are you wearing long-johns today?”

Li Balei had been deeply concerned, but the question made her burst out laughing. “Lin Xigu, you’re such an ass. No, I’m not, I’m freezing!”

Li Balei had told him last night that she had put on a few pounds recently and to avoid being made fun of during her weigh-in by the others in the class, she was planning to wear as little as possible. She was only going to wear a t-shirt under her jacket and not put on any thermal underwear.

Lin Xigu had verified it with his own eyes earlier when Li Balei had taken off her jacket and stepped onto the scale in only a t-shirt.

“Then go home for lunch and change into something warmer,” Lin Xigu said. “Don’t catch a cold.”

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Although they were sitting side-by-side on the couch, She Xiao shifted so that he was crouched in front of Lin Xigu as he pulled both of Lin Xigu’s hands into his. Lin Xigu drank in his face, his eyes, and repeated, “I’m almost at my limit.”

She Xiao kissed his wrist and rubbed the spot with his thumb. He looked Lin Xigu up and down, then said quietly, “I’ll only be okay… if you are too.”

“But you’re not okay even when I am!” Lin Xigu’s tears rushed out, a fat droplet splashing onto She Xiao’s finger. “I try so hard to live my life. I try to sleep on time. I don’t allow myself to miss you too much. I try not to overthink, but it’s not like you’re in a better place because I do any of that…”

Lin Xigu touched She Xiao’s sleeve, then shrank back, his hand trembling. “I’m scared to ask you to take off your jacket. I don’t know how much of you he has hurt and I’m scared to check. Every night before I go to sleep, I can’t stand to think about where you are and what you might be doing. I’m afraid I won’t be able to control myself.”

She Xiao lifted his hand and wiped away his tears. His fingers were as cold as always. When they grazed the skin under Lin Xigu’s eyes, it felt like a kiss from a midwinter star.

“What happened to your arm? How did he manage to hurt both of your arms at the same time?” Lin Xigu looked at She Xiao, mumbling. “Why is it so hard for him to let you live your life in peace…”

She Xiao shook his head and squeezed Lin Xigu’s finger but didn’t answer.

Later, it was Lin Xigu who asked She Xiao to take off his jacket and the shirt he had on under it. They should have been doing much more with their afternoon stolen from time. They should have at least indulged in a moment of intimacy like they had previously, but as Lin Xigu looked down at She Xiao’s arms, he did not have the heart nor the stomach to do anything else.

She Xiao was his greatest treasure. He wished he could offer him everything he had and tell him, “Everything I am is yours, as long as it would make you happy.” But despite being someone who was precious beyond measure, She Xiao was still trapped in the mud in his own corner of the world.

“Other than your arm, are you hurt anywhere else?” Lin Xigu asked hoarsely.

She Xiao shook his head. “No.”

“Does it hurt to write?” 

“No.”

She Xiao was lying, but Lin Xigu didn’t call him out on it. He kissed both of She Xiao’s arms and dressed him. Then, the two of them sat on the couch for the rest of the afternoon.

Their time together was far too short. There was no time to do anything, so they did nothing at all and just sat with shoulders pressed tightly together.

“She Xiao…” Lin Xigu began after a while.

“Mn,” She Xiao answered.

“Sometimes, I…” Lin Xigu’s throat was hoarse from disuse. He cleared it, then continued, “Sometimes, when I miss you a lot, I start to have terrible thoughts.”

She Xiao listened as Lin Xigu continued, “I would start to think about… murder.”

She Xiao’s hand tightened forcefully around Lin Xigu’s, his grip constricting until Lin Xigu’s hand started to hurt. Lin Xigu looked at him, his lips pressed in a hard line. “We shouldn’t be the ones getting dragged to hell. The only one who belongs there is the devil himself.”

She Xiao stood abruptly and pinched Lin Xigu’s chin with one hand, not letting him continue. He was using so much force that the back of Lin Xigu’s head was pinned against the back of the couch. Lin Xigu’s eyes were confused and pained, but there was no fear in them.

“Shut up,” She Xiao commanded coldly, his brows pinched. “Take back… what you just said.”

Lin Xigu couldn’t speak with She Xiao’s hand on his chin. He tried to open his mouth but couldn’t make a sound.

“I won’t let you… say that again. You’re not allowed to… even think about it.” She Xiao’s eyes were terrifying. It had been a very long time since Lin Xigu had seen She Xiao act that way. He shrank against the sofa, his chin throbbing, but all he could do was look at She Xiao.

She Xiao’s voice was so cold that it made Lin Xigu shiver. His hand was still clamping down as he glared at Lin Xigu. “Understood?”

Lin Xigu didn’t react, or answer. He stared at She Xiao’s face, enthralled, thinking there must be something wrong with himself.

She Xiao’s grip tightened even more. Lin Xigu thought his chin was going to shatter; his head was starting to hurt from being pressed against the back frame of the couch. She Xiao’s eyes were furious. “I asked you a question… speak!”

Lin Xigu looked at him, then blinked once in place of a nod.

She Xiao paused for a long second before finally letting go of Lin Xigu and rubbing his thumb over the spot he had held captive, then he gathered Lin Xigu up in his arms. Lin Xigu buried his face in She Xiao’s shirt, trying his hardest to inhale She Xiao’s scent and share his warmth.

Lin Xigu was shaking.

She Xiao placed a hand at the back of Lin Xigu’s head and stroked it gently, his eyes settling into pools of dark ink. He massaged Lin Xigu’s neck, his hand starting to shake as well.

“She Xiao…” Lin Xigu rubbed his head against his chest. In his arms, She Xiao was holding his entire world.

She Xiao didn’t answer, instead using his cold fingers to prove his presence as he threaded them through Lin Xigu’s hair, rubbing his ears and neck.

Shortly after 5 p.m., the driver texted Lin Xigu and said it was time to go.

Lin Xigu read the text and set his phone aside.

He hugged his knees to his chest and rested his chin on his knees, hating time for being so fleeting.

She Xiao kissed his ear. “Go.”

Lin Xigu nodded then mumbled, “But I don’t want to leave.”

She Xiao chuckled quietly and ruffled Lin Xigu’s hair until it was a mess.

Before Lin Xigu left that day, She Xiao rubbed Lin Xigu’s chin one last time and kissed it, asking, “Did I hurt you?”

Lin Xigu nodded truthfully. “Yes.”

She Xiao’s expression softened as he leaned in and blew on his chin. “Better?”

“Still hurts,” Lin Xigu sniffed.

She Xiao looked at the bruise on Lin Xigu’s skin, his eyes pained. He put one hand at the back of Lin Xigu’s head and pulled him against his chest in a tight hug.

The sound of their heartbeats crescendoed around their ears, each beat louder than the last.

She Xiao’s voice travelled from somewhere above his ear as Lin Xigu heard him say, “There are some things… that you’re not allowed to… think about. Not even for… a second.”

His embrace was brittle but forceful. Lin Xigu wanted to sink into it forever without coming up for breath.

“That’s not… for you to think about. You have to always be… carefree, and happy.” She Xiao rarely spoke such long sentences. He spoke very slowly, struggling slightly with each word. Lin Xigu paid close attention. She Xiao’s hoarse rasp appeared in his dreams every night. His eyes stung from holding back tears.

She Xiao had suffered so much, but he was still telling Lin Xigu to be carefree, to be happy.

He really had given Lin Xigu every last drop of kindness he had.

Lin Xigu buried his face in the crook of She Xiao’s neck. She Xiao’s next words would always float to mind whenever he was hurting so much that it was hard to carry on and fill him with renewed strength and determination.

Holding him close, She Xiao kissed the top of his head and said, “Staying alive is hard… and painful. The only way for me… to survive is knowing that you are okay.”

She Xiao stopped there as Lin Xigu’s tears splashed onto his collar.

For countless late nights after that day, in countless moments when life had beaten him into the dust, Lin Xigu would draw strength from She Xiao’s words that day—

“The only way for me to survive is knowing that you are okay.”

Remember, Lin Xigu. You have to stay well so that She Xiao can stay alive.