Chapter 62

The times he got to Facetime She Xiao were few and far between. Since their last call, a few more weeks passed without another video call. She Xiao seemed to be intentionally maintaining his distance. Even when that man wasn’t home, even when nothing was wrong, he would still screen Lin Xigu’s calls.

Sometimes, Lin Xigu felt confused and did not understand what She Xiao was thinking.

His coolly distant demeanor often made Lin Xigu feel that She Xiao actually quite wanted to break up with him.

But Lin Xigu was also sure that he had detected affection in She Xiao’s eyes on their last video call. She Xiao had teased him, and told him to be good. He clearly had feelings for Lin Xigu.

Lin Xigu didn’t want to spend his days thinking only about She Xiao and nothing else, so he held his thoughts about She Xiao in moderation so as not to overthink.

They were still standing on the tail end of boyhood. Everything was sheer impulse, irrational. He would still lose sleep occasionally, staring at his ceiling night after night without rest. He still couldn’t stop picturing She Xiao as a child in his mind’s eye and hearing his heart-rending cries.

At such a precarious age, Lin Xigu was very concerned that he was going to end up with a mental crisis on his hands, so he tried his best to regulate himself. He had to present the best version of himself to the world. He had to be present for his parents, and to measure up to the ever-brilliant She Xiao.

Lin Xigu didn’t want to spend his days thinking only about She Xiao and nothing else, so he held his thoughts about She Xiao in moderation so as not to overthink.

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That week, they had just been assigned to new seats by the inside wall which had no window. The breeze that wafted in from the south window did not reach their seats so Lin Xigu had had a tough week overall.

Being subjected to that smell day in and day out, Lin Xigu felt like his brain was about to turn into mush.

After struggling through evening self-study, Lin Xigu walked out of the building carrying his backpack. The refreshing air rushed into his nostrils; in an instant, Lin Xigu’s lungs were revived.

Walking home, he thought the air smelled especially good. His only lament was that She Xiao had yet again not answered his calls that night. He did receive a different phone call from his former best friend, Fang Zhiyuan.

Ever since his homecoming, Fang Zhiyuan had been trying to invite him out for a meal. Lin Xigu was never in the mood, so he kept turning him down. But as Fang Zhiyuan called him more and more frequently, Lin Xigu would answer when he could. He never avoided him on purpose, but he knew that he would never hangout with Fang Zhiyuan again.

He did not hate Fang Zhiyuan, there was just no going back to the friendship they had before.

And most importantly, he was not in the mood to socialize, nor did he have time. He was only granted a few hours of rest each week and all Lin Xigu wanted to do was lie on his bed and let his mind wander, allowing himself to rest for a brief moment.

After he hung up on Fang Zhiyuan, he noticed a new text on his phone from She Xiao. There were only a few words:

Get some sleep. Good night.

Lin Xigu was obviously not satisfied with the few words he received, but he had long since grown used to She Xiao’s intentionally cool attitude and did not try to fish more words out of him. He replied simply:

Okay, good night. We weren’t separated today either.

It was basically guaranteed that the conversation would end there.

Lin Xigu put his phone away and walked the rest of the way home with his hands in his pockets.

He showered and climbed into bed as always, with no surprises.

And, as always, he dreamt about She Xiao again before waking up in the middle of the night and spending the rest of the night wide awake, unable to fall asleep again. He had grown used to waiting for night to turn into dawn, letting the clock tick by one second after another, experiencing the near-indiscernible passage of time.

Sometime during the night, he heard his dad return. From the lightness of his footsteps, Lin Xigu figured that he was not completely drunk and so remained in bed and did not leave his room.

He used to panic about sleepless nights like these, but now he faced each with acceptance.

Because he had experienced so many of them.

On such nights, he would count down the days until he hit “1”, and then he would count up again, over and over.

And then he would get up in the morning and drag himself to school with dark circles around his eyes.

The smell of the boy in front of him persisted and made him feel dizzy after a while. After not sleeping for most of the night, the stench lulled Lin Xigu into sleep immediately. Halfway through his nap, the homeroom teacher walked by and tapped on his desk, but Lin Xigu merely looked at her before falling back asleep.

The homeroom teacher glared at him and stalked away. Lin Xigu furrowed his brows in his sleep, finding the sound of her high heels grating.

That day, his homeroom teacher lectured Lin Xigu again during self-study, although she didn’t waste much breath on him this time. Lin Xigu did not particularly care as he texted She Xiao:

I got in trouble again. Didn’t blush, didn’t cry. Super thick-skinned!

She Xiao replied later that night:

Why did you get in trouble?

Lin Xigu answered truthfully:

I fell asleep during class. She knocked on my desk but I slept through it.

She Xiao asked:

Didn’t sleep well last night?

Lin Xigu replied:

No, I slept okay. The Chinese teacher was too quiet, and I was sleepy.

She Xiao said:

Mn, get some rest.

Lin Xigu acquiesced:

Okay, good night. We weren’t separated today either, so that’s something to be happy about.

Time started to pick up speed once the Gaokao countdown dropped into the double digits.

What was “99” one day became “88” in the blink of an eye, and then “77”.

Lin Xigu circled the number “72” on his countdown calendar with a big heart. He almost wanted to draw a new circle around it every day. It became his primary motivation for getting out of bed in the morning.

Because he finally had a solid reason for going back to his old school at the end of April.

He was required to return to his previous school for the medical examination prior to his Gaokao exam. No one was exempt.

Typically, resident students like him would have made the trip back several times already because Gaokao was a big event and there were all kinds of forms that needed to be completed and signed. Most resident students took advantage of the opportunity to go back to their old school if only to get a short break for the day.

But those windows of opportunity were closed to Lin Xigu. His dad had found someone to stand in for him for everything that did not require his physical presence. If there were forms that needed to be signed, his dad asked someone drive them over so that Lin Xigu could sign and send them back.

But there were no alternatives this time. No one could receive a physical checkup on his behalf, after all.

Lin Xigu made sure his dad knew ahead of time, “Pops, it looks like I’ll have to go back for this one.”

His dad nodded. “I heard. It nearly gave me hives.”

Lin Xigu was tickled by the comment. “What hives? That zit on your face is clearly from eating too much seafood. Don’t you try to pin this one on me. I’ll just be gone for a day, don’t worry.”

“You’ll go in the morning and return in the afternoon, no funny business.” His dad told Lin Xigu from the couch while eating fruit. “I’ve already made arrangements for a chauffeur. After you’re done, he’s bringing you right back. You’re excused from class for the rest of the day; you can do as you like with that time, but you have to be back by evening. Is that good enough for you?”

Lin Xigu nodded enthusiastically. He had not been expecting to spend the night anyway; he was more than satisfied with having half a day to himself.

How should he put it… he used to spend every day longing to return. But he had been kept away for so long that he was almost scared at the thought of going back.

Even when the opportunity arose, he did not dare think about spending the night.

If he were to do something like that with She Xiao again, something so… intimate, he was afraid that he would be quite unable to endure the rest of their time apart. Time dragged by while he lived each day holding his breath, but if he were to exhale fully, it would be even more intolerable afterwards.

Lin Xigu texted Li Balei:

Ballet Grrrl, I’m coming back for my physical on Thursday.

Li Balei somehow managed to convey all of her excitement through his phone screen with her reply.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell me I’m not dreaming, Lin Xigu!

Lin Xigu chortled as he replied:

It’s really happening.

Li Balei was probably too excited to reply, and there were no other texts from her for a while.

Lin Xigu had been sneakily texting under his desk in class. By the time Li Balei finally replied, the period was already over.

Omggggg I’m stoked! Should I tell She Xiao? He’s sleeping right now. Can I tell him when he wakes up?

Lin Xigu thought for a moment, then replied:

No need. Keep it to yourself for now.

He didn’t know why he had stopped Li Balei from sharing the news, and thought offhandedly that perhaps he had wanted to surprise She Xiao. But after digging a little deeper within himself, Lin Xigu realized that what he was feeling was insecurity, and fear that She Xiao would purposely skip school to avoid him if he knew Lin Xigu was coming ahead of time.

He didn’t know where the thought had come from. Maybe he’d had the rug pulled out from under him so many times that he was now conditioned to tread carefully, not wishing to disrupt the balance.

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With 73 days to go until the exam, Lin Xigu found himself lying awake in his bed, unable to sleep a wink. He gave up on trying to fall asleep; there was no point. He decided to stop lying around and climbed out of bed to study some more.

He looked at the clock every once in a while, mentally calculating how many hours it would be until he would see She Xiao again.

The physical examination began at 10AM and the school clinic conducted the check-ups one class at a time, which meant that he should be at school for 9:30 at the latest. That meant he should leave the house at around 6.

His driver for the ride was young, not quite thirty, and was a familiar face. He had driven Lin Xigu several times when Lin Xigu went to visit his dad during the break, so Lin Xigu wasn’t shy about pestering him. “Ge, try to go faster if you can.”

The driver gave him the sideways glance of a wiser, more experienced man and chuckled, “You have a sweetheart over there, don’t you? Got a girl waiting for you?”

If he had stopped after his first sentence, Lin Xigu would have nodded and conceded the point, but he had nothing to say in response to the second question. He did have a sweetheart, but he wasn’t a girl.

My ‘sweetheart’ is over 190cm tall and delivers beatdowns like no one’s business, Lin Xigu thought. You would never call him a girl to his face.

But he was prettier than most girls.

With that thought in mind, Lin Xigu felt even more pressured for time. “Ge, stop interrogating me about girls. All you have to do is floor it.”

“Your dad said I’m not allowed to go over the speed limit, so we’ll be going 120 the whole way. We’ll still definitely get there in two-and-a-half hours.”

Lin Xigu nodded. “Let’s move.”

The driver had given him two-and-a-half hours as an estimate but they exited the highway after just two hours on the road. Lin Xigu looked at the time. It was only 8:30.

Lin Xigu inhaled deeply as they reentered the city. Even the air was sweeter here.