Chapter 61

When school resumed, everything returned to normal. There was virtually no difference between the new term and the previous one. Lin Xigu still went to school every day and found time in between to stay in touch with She Xiao.

As time went on, he grew accustomed to their long-distance relationship. He used to think that each day they were apart felt like a year, but he was coming to terms with it. No matter what, there was a goal to work towards. Like everyone else, Lin Xigu was counting down the days until the Gaokao exam. As the numbers on the chalkboard ticked down one day at a time, his anticipation grew in equal measure.

He was working harder than he ever had before. Because his parents never pressured him about his grades and he was never particularly ambitious, he had always bore the attitude that higher grades were welcome but not wholly necessary. Now, he studied until midnight every day, trying to improve as much as he could. That way, he would have more options once She Xiao decided on a school.

But in actuality, Lin Xigu already had an inkling about She Xiao’s plans.

He had a hunch that She Xiao did not want to leave the province, that She Xiao was going to settle for a university close to home. That way, he would be able to rush home if anything happened. There were so many shackles locking She Xiao in place that he couldn’t run away, nor did he dare go too far away.

It was a pity, but from She Xiao’s standpoint, he had no other choice. If She Xiao really were to stay in the province, Lin Xigu would accept that as well. All he had to do was follow in She Xiao’s footsteps, after all.

At the end of March, Lin Xigu got the highest score of his high school career on the second mock exam, exceeding the projected admission threshold of a first tier university by more than 30 points. It made him feel like he was catching up to She Xiao a little more, but before he could share the good news with She Xiao, he learned from Li Balei that Zhou Cheng had called She Xiao to his office.

She Xiao did not do well on his second mock exam. He didn’t even make the top ten in their school, never mind in the city or province.

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Lin Xigu replied:

It’s been pretty steady. Thanks, Princess. How did you do on the exam?

Li Balei:

Same old, same old. Good enough for a second tier university but still short of first tier.

Lin Xigu meant to reply but just then, his homeroom teacher tapped on the window of the back door and when he turned to look, he happened to meet her scowl, so he quickly put his phone away to give his attention back to the teacher reviewing the exam.

He was attentive in appearance only, writing down whatever he was supposed to but not truly listening to what the teacher was saying.

He was thinking about what it would take for She Xiao to turn his mental state around, but he didn’t want to come out and ask, scared that he would accidentally add pressure to She Xiao.

On their video call that night, Lin Xigu didn’t bring it up, as if he didn’t know. It wasn’t every day that he got to Facetime She Xiao. She Xiao rarely turned his camera on, and it was only when that man wasn’t home that he would occasionally answer a video call, so Lin Xigu treasured every second, drinking in the sight of She Xiao’s face and trying to make as much conversation as possible while avoiding cheerless topics.

“She Xiao, I got scolded today by my teacher,” Lin Xigu said, “She told me off real good. I nearly got my phone taken away.”

He was grinning while he relayed this, lying on the bed with the phone pointed at his face. The angle made his head seem large but he looked cute all the same. “She caught me texting in class. She was staring right at me through the back door. The guy sitting behind me kicked my chair and I didn’t even react. She was so mad, she lectured me for half the class.”

She Xiao looked at him with a faint smile, commenting quietly, “You’re gloating.”

“Ah, well, it was kind of funny when it happened,” Lin Xigu looked at She Xiao’s smile and wet his lips subconsciously. “I’ve rarely gotten in trouble at school all these years. I don’t know why since my grades aren’t that good, but teachers tend to like me. Maybe it’s because I’m obedient? But my new teacher never took a shine to me. She was forced to take me in, after all.”

“Did you… blush?” She Xiao asked.

Lin Xigu laughed again at that. “Who, me? I think I’ve stopped taking myself so seriously. She was being quite harsh with me but I didn’t think anything of it, even though the me of before would have wanted to vanish off the face of the earth. I almost burst out laughing when she was lecturing me. What do you think, She Xiao? Have I changed at all?”

She Xiao looked steadily at the camera. “Mn. For the better.”

Lin Xigu grinned back like an idiot. “I’m super thick-skinned now. I don’t even know what it means to blush.”

She Xiao looked at him. “Is that so?”

Lin Xigu blinked. “Uh-huh.”

She Xiao suddenly smiled, the kind of crooked half-smile that flitted across his lips as he focused on Lin Xigu. Although it was little more than a hint of a smile, his expression sent flutters through Lin Xigu’s stomach.

“Point the camera… down,” She Xiao said hoarsely.

Lin Xigu’s hand started shaking. “…What?”

She Xiao repeated himself. “Your camera. Point it down.”

Lin Xigu’s mind really was in the gutter. He was hard just from hearing She Xiao say those words.

She Xiao’s instructions had come so suddenly that he didn’t know how to react, but he instinctively started to do exactly as She Xiao commanded. No matter what She Xiao asked of him, he wanted to do it all.

Biting his lip, he slanted the phone down a little. He had just showered and was only wearing his pajama pants. He was completely nude from the waist up.

He heard She Xiao’s voice coming from the speaker again. “Lower.”

Lin Xigu couldn’t handle the tone of She Xiao’s voice. His face was burning.

The camera was facing his chest, exactly at the spot where his heart was. Lin Xigu wished he could show She Xiao how hard his heart was beating for him.

“Why is your hand… shaking so much,” She Xiao said.

Lin Xigu’s hand shook even harder after hearing She Xiao say that. There was no way he could possibly hold his hand still. It would be weirder if it wasn’t shaking.

He was unabashedly showing She Xiao his chest, ah ah ah ah! It was that spot! She Xiao had bitten him there!

It was the ultimate test of Lin Xigu’s mental endurance. No matter how badly he wanted to obey She Xiao, he couldn’t stand it any more as with a twitch of his hand, he brought the phone back to his face. “She Xiao… erm… I’m switching back.”

“Mn” She Xiao answered first, then said with a smile, “You’re blushing.”

Lin Xigu’s brain was still blank. He only knew to agree with She Xiao, “… it’s only a blush… anyone would in my position…”

 He didn’t know what was going on with She Xiao that day. He seemed in higher spirits than usual as he arched an eyebrow and teased Lin Xigu, “You were saying… about your thick skin?”

Lin Xigu’s face was still red from his cheeks to the tips of his ears. “Oi…” He grumbled. “How did you learn to be a mouthy bastard so fast?”

She Xiao laughed out loud, his eyes filling with good-humoured softness as he looked at Lin Xigu.

It had been a long time since Lin Xigu had last seen She Xiao like this. He felt happy seeing him laugh, but that happiness also came with a side of sorrow, his throat constricting.

He wished She Xiao could be that happy every day.

But even the briefest moment of happiness seemed like it had been stolen out of time.

Lin Xigu flipped onto his stomach and laid his head down, looking sideways at his phone. He bit his lip and fixed his gaze on She Xiao’s beautiful eyes, whispering, “She Xiao… I miss you.”

She Xiao’s gaze was as gentle as always. He touched Lin Xigu’s face through his screen, his fingertips stopping on his doe eyes and consoled, “Be good.”

Lin Xigu sniffed. “I am being good.”

He spoke like a child asking to be praised.

“Mn,” She Xiao said. “That’s right.”

His voice was raspy but his expression was gentle. Lin Xigu had completely forgotten about She Xiao’s test scores and hadn’t wanted to talk about it in the first place, not wanting to spoil the rare moment of levity.

It was She Xiao who volunteered the topic first. “I placed twelfth… on the mock exam. Are you… disappointed?”

Lin Xigu shook his head urgently. “No, not at all!”

“You…  would rather I came in first,” She Xiao stated.

“No, I don’t.” Lin Xigu looked at his phone, holding She Xiao’s eyes and said earnestly, “My She Xiao is the best, better than everyone else. I’m proud of you if you get first place. I’m just as proud of you for getting twelfth. Please don’t see me as a source of pressure, She Xiao…”

It wasn’t clear what She Xiao was thinking as he grew quiet for a while. Then, She Xiao said, “Actually, I’m… not as smart… as you think I am.”

“None of that matters,” Lin Xigu blinked. “None of that is important. You are still She Xiao, no matter your grades. You don’t think less of me when I flunk physics occasionally. I couldn’t care less about any of that.”

Lin Xigu wasn’t lying. Grades were the least of his concerns when it came to the two of them. Of course he wanted She Xiao to get good grades, to get the top score on the Gaokao exam. But if they could trade a zero on the exam for a key to She Xiao’s shackles, he would be willing to trade away his own exam scores as well.

What good were grades without freedom?

Lin Xigu switched off the light in his room, leaving only a lamp glowing warmly by his bed. He stared at She Xiao’s lips as the desire which had just been doused started to rear its ugly head yet again.

But he didn’t want to dwell on it. He only wanted to keep talking to She Xiao.

She Xiao said, “It’s 1:30. Go sleep.”

Lin Xigu shook his head. “I don’t want to.”

She Xiao fixed him with a look. “Tomorrow… is a school day.”

Lin Xigu didn’t even have to think before he replied, “I go to school every day. But I don’t get to see you every day.”

She Xiao didn’t have anything to say to that.

They had said everything that could be said, and made all the smalltalk that they could. The only thing left was the thoughts hiding deep in their hearts. As Lin Xigu opened his mouth to speak, his eyes suddenly welled with tears and his voice came out in a croak. Instead of a sentence, he only called, “She Xiao…”

She Xiao traced his phone screen with his finger, resting it gently on the spot beneath Lin Xigu’s eyes as he answered, “Mn. I’m here.”

Lin Xigu rubbed his cheek against his pillow, wishing he could straighten out his wrinkled mess of a heart. Even if he couldn’t iron it flat, it would be better if it could look a little more orderly.

The optimistic and easygoing boy that he was, he had never spent his days with his heart tied in knots before.

Staring into She Xiao’s eyes, he said, “I miss you very, very much.”