Chapter 60

Lin Xigu started journaling in his notepad again. Not being able to see She Xiao in person, he did not have much sense of how many points to add or take away, so he mostly just guessed.

He had forgotten to ask She Xiao when he had last seen him in person why She Xiao had crossed out his notes, why he felt he had the right to erase himself from Lin Xigu’s memories.

Every time he saw the jagged line in his notebook, it felt like the pen had sliced through his heart rather than paper.

He was going to shove a pen in She Xiao’s hand the next time he saw him and make him copy down everything exactly the way it had been written before. You were the one who crossed it out, so you have to rewrite everything the way it was. Otherwise, that jagged line is going to stay tattooed in my heart forever.

But Lin Xigu did not get a chance to see She Xiao again for a long time.

New Year’s was right around the corner and there were two more days to go until winter break. Lin Xigu did not feel any particular way about the break. Before, he had hated the idea of winter break, because it meant that he wouldn’t be able to see She Xiao.

He did not feel that way anymore because it did not matter either way; he was not going to be able to see She Xiao regardless.

Chinese New Year came later that year. It was already February by the time the holiday came around.

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Tl ypjle Fbl Dkys shla vbl rbsdl, “Eblal yal usw prldekdt Llo Zlya’p?”

“Gv bsxl,” Fbl Dkys pyke.

“Ebyv ycswv uswa tayderyaldvp…? Xa uswa xsx’p qyxkzu? Zsw’al dsv tskdt vs pll vblx?” Nkd Dktw hldvwale vldvyvkhlzu.

Fbl Dkys’p hsknl oyp nsze yde elhske sq lxsvksd yp bl ydpolale, “Ls.”

Xhla vkxl, Nkd Dktw bye tykdle yd wdelapvydekdt sq lmynvzu bso Fbl Dkys qlzv ycswv bkp qyxkzu. Jwv vbl xsal bl wdelapvsse, vbl xsal kv xyel bkx pye.

Fbl Dkys’p osaze oyp lmvalxlzu pxyzz. Xaktkdyzzu, vblal bye sdzu clld bkx yde bkp xsvbla – y xsvbla obs bye zkvvzl rsola sq bla sod cwv obs bye esdl lhlauvbkdt vs rasvlnv bkx obld bl oyp pnyale sa kd rykd.

Gde dso bl bye Nkd Dktw yp olzz.

Fbl Dkys dlhla hkpkvle bkp ryvladyz tayderyaldvp, yde vbl vkxlp bl bye plld vblx qynl-vs-qynl nswze cl nswdvle sd sdl byde. Fbl Dkys dlhla tyhl yd lmrzknkv lmrzydyvksd, cwv tkhld bso Fbl Dkys’p qyvbla bye clld yzzsole vs vsaxldv bkp qyxkzu vs pwnb yd lmvldv okvbswv kdvlahldvksd, kv oyp nzlya vbyv vbl yrrzl rascyczu eke dsv qyzz qya qasx vbl vall.

They were the kind of people who could stand by, unbothered, as their grandson was tortured. Goosebumps rose on Lin Xigu’s skin every time he remembered that such people existed.

As for She Xiao’s maternal grandmother and his mother’s extended family, Lin Xigu guessed that She Xiao disliked them as well. Although he never expressed it, and treated everything with the same emotionlessness, She Xiao inwardly blamed them for being the reason his mother had ended up in this trap, the reason he had been born into a family that had condemned him to perpetual darkness.

From She Xiao’s perspective, he was unable to empathize with their supposed dilemma. What did it matter to him how powerless they felt or how much they had suffered? The way he saw it, they had merely traded their daughter away for their son’s sake.

She Xiao did not grow up in a loving family. The emotions modelled for him were limited, so the emotions he was able to project back into the world were also pitifully few.

He despised this world. He thought everyone was in the wrong, including his mother. When he was little, he hated her for bringing him into this world, and wondered if she had only done so to have someone to offset her burdens. Up until that moment, She Xiao had always protected her, but he did not feel dependent upon her, the way a child would normally feel attached to their mother; he only knew what responsibility felt like, and how it felt to share the weight of her pain.

Other people might have had a loving circle of a dozen people or more, but She Xiao could only count two.

Lin Xigu was the ray of sun that had split his shadowed world, breaking through with a force that was impossible to resist and setting him alight. No matter how dim a light it was, it was the first time She Xiao had experienced light since he was born.

It was beautiful. Warm.

He wanted to run into the light, but he was sullied with mud. 

“Then I’ll come over once the break starts?” Lin Xigu was asking on the phone.

“No,” She Xiao refused without a second thought. “Don’t come.”

“Why not?” Lin Xigu sounded disappointed.

She Xiao only said, “Stay where you are. Don’t come.”

Lin Xigu did not argue. It seemed like there was no one on earth who wanted to let him see She Xiao, including She Xiao himself. They all wanted to keep him as far away from She Xiao as possible. For two people who used to spend most of their days together, they had nearly forgotten what it was like to meet in person.

She Xiao still had a copy of Lin Xigu’s old house key. “She Xiao,” Lin Xigu started, “Stop by my place. I have a Guanyin pendant in my drawer that Li Balei gave me last year. Take it with you and wear it.”

“I don’t need it,” She Xiao said.

“You do,” Lin Xigu urged quietly on the video call. “I meant to tell you sooner but I always forget. Please wear it. Ballet Grrrl said her grandmother had had it blessed.”

She Xiao didn’t seem like he was going to follow his advice. Lin Xigu stared at She Xiao’s gaunt cheeks on his phone screen, feeling slightly dejected. “I left in such a hurry that I didn’t have time to give you anything to remember me by. If you start wearing it, it will at least feel like you’re keeping me close by, okay?”

She Xiao could tell that Lin Xigu was unhappy and he smiled placatingly. “Okay.”

In truth, Lin Xigu was starting to feel panicked because it was nearly New Year’s. It was around this time the previous year that She Xiao had become withdrawn and sullen, and his mental state had plummeted.

Lin Xigu worried about him every day, until he suddenly remembered the piece of jade Li Balei had gifted him last year. Lin Xigu was not a believer by any means, but he thought there was no harm in manifesting a good thought or two.

---

On the eve of the New Year, Lin Xigu retreated into his bedroom early in the night. He watched the time carefully and had drafted a text message so that it would be ready to be sent to She Xiao the moment the clock struck midnight:

Happy New Year, She Xiao. I wish you happiness. I want you to be safe. I want you to soar. I will follow you to the ends of the earth.

Lin Xigu tapped send as one notification after another flooded his inbox. He did not want to read anyone else’s New Year’s wishes. Instead, he stared at She Xiao’s name. The longer he stared, the more he became entangled in the strokes that made up the two characters.

I hope you can leave this sea of bitterness behind you. I hope you will no longer feel terror or pain. I hope the road ahead is smooth and straight.

— I don’t want to see you losing any more weight.

She Xiao sent him a reply at 12:05AM. The text only contained four words:

Be happy always, Baobei

Lin Xigu’s eyes burned as he read the text. He buried his face in his knees, hiding his phone beneath the arch of his body, warming it with his belly.

He was utterly defenceless against She Xiao calling him “Baobei”. It meant so much more to hear such a term of endearment from someone like She Xiao. She Xiao would never let such a word leave his mouth if he did not truly love someone to his very core.

Lin Xigu struggled to calm down for a long time. He missed She Xiao far too much.

Collecting himself, he snapped a picture of the pile of red envelopes he had received and sent it to She Xiao with the caption:

Here’s my loot for the night. It’s all for you. =3=

She Xiao sent him a photo back. There was a single red envelope in the picture.

It saddened Lin Xigu. He had received dozens whereas She Xiao only had one. He quickly texted back:

From now on, everything I have is yours.

She Xiao replied after a while:

It’s for you.

Lin Xigu’s spirits lifted when he read the reply. She Xiao had prepared a red envelope for him. She Xiao was thinking about him.

Although She Xiao texted back and answered his calls, he always sounded slightly impassive, as if purposely trying to distance himself from Lin Xigu in a way that was completely different than how he acted in person. As time went on, Lin Xigu had started to feel insecure as well, and wondered whether She Xiao had grown tired of him, whether She Xiao no longer wanted to be with him all that much anymore.

So whenever She Xiao gave the slightest indication that he was also thinking about him, Lin Xigu would feel like he was riding high at the top of the world.

---

Over the next few days, Lin Xigu always had his phone in his hand, worried about accidentally missing a text from She Xiao.

He couldn’t pinpoint the underlying reason for this intense worry. He was in danger of catastrophizing every time She Xiao took longer to reply than usual, worried that She Xiao had been hurt somehow.

There were far too many people in the house that day. Lin Xigu hid in his room, sneakily texting She Xiao. His dad walked in and asked, “You’re being called for seconds. Do you want anything?”

Lin Xigu shook his head quickly. “I’m good; I seriously can’t eat another bite. Hey, Ba, does it look like I’ve gained weight?”

His dad laughed and sat down beside him, glancing at his phone. “Who are you talking to?”

Lin Xigu had no intention to lie as he admitted, “She Xiao.”

His dad said “mn” and didn’t say anything else.

Lin Xigu looked over at him. “So why are you here?”

“I’m stuffed too,” his dad laughed. “I needed to get away. There are too many people out there. My head feels like it’s about to explode.”

Lin Xigu gave him a knowing look, then leaned in, grinning impishly. “Seems to me like you’re getting tired of Grandma’s matchmaking. How goes it? Any good-looking ladies on offer?”

His dad pinched the bridge of his nose and waved his hand dismissively. “Stop it, my head hurts.”

Lin Xigu chortled. They were in the frying pan together, his dad and him. His dad didn’t want a partner but everyone around him kept nagging him to find one. On the other hand, Lin Xigu did have a partner but they were not allowed to meet.

Keeping a low profile in the room, they listened to the wails and screams of children running amuck and traded looks of understanding from time to time like comrades in arms.

His dad looked over at Lin Xigu’s phone. “So how’s She Xiao spending his New Year’s?”

“His dad’s staying at his grandma’s house,” Lin Xigu said, lowering his head. “He’s at home with his mom.”

Lin Xigu’s dad nodded.

Lin Xigu picked at his phone, then asked in a small voice, “Pops, I…”

His dad interrupted almost immediately. “No.”

“…” Lin Xigu blinked. “How did you know what I was about to ask?”

“It’s like there’s a neon sign on your face,” his dad didn’t even bother lifting his head. “You’re not allowed to go.”

“What if I go in the morning and promise to be back by sunset?” Lin Xigu asked tentatively, wanting to try his luck.

His dad shook his head. “No.”

“Why not?”

“It’s the principle of the matter. If I let you go this time, soon after, you’ll come asking to do the same. And then you’ll start asking if you can stay overnight. In the end, you won’t want to return at all.” His dad chuckled humourlessly. “So let’s not set that precedent to begin with.”

Lin Xigu knew his dad was right and didn’t argue the point further.

However, he still felt let down. They would be entering their final semester after the break. His future and She Xiao’s future both hinged on those few remaining months.

Where would they be six months from now? Lin Xigu didn’t know; he was afraid to know.

Because he had never once heard She Xiao utter a single word about the future.