Chapter 52

She Xiao’s silence left Lin Xigu feeling uneasy.

Lin Xigu didn’t want to dwell on the thoughts behind She Xiao’s eyes, afraid of figuring out what they meant.

At the time, he had chuckled softly and said, “Then we’ll just not go. I’ll tell my mom you can’t make it.”

Two periods later, She Xiao finally asked, “Where are we meeting… tomorrow?”

Lin Xigu blinked and looked at him. “You’re coming?”

She Xiao nodded. “Mn.”

Lin Xigu’s gaze was firm as he reminded him, “She Xiao, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. It’s okay to just be yourself.”

She Xiao shook his head and replied, “It’s not that… I don’t want to.”

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Gde ps Nkd Dktw bye tkhld bkx vbl yeealpp.

Mblal oyp ycpszwvlzu dsvbkdt oasdt okvb Fbl Dkys’p alynvksd. Rv oswze byhl clld olkaela kq bl bye ytalle vs nsxl yp pssd yp Nkd Dktw ypjle. Jwv qsa psxl alypsd, Nkd Dktw pweeldzu qlzv vbl rydkn nallrkdt wr, yp kq bl bye zspv y zkvvzl ckv sq vbl plnwakvu bl bye sdnl qlzv.

Jlqsal tskdt swv qsa zwdnb vbl dlmv eyu, Nkd Dktw alkvlayvle vs bkp xsvbla sdnl xsal vbyv Fbl Dkys prsjl pzsozu yde pbl pbswze dsv alynv vs kv.

Kk Cksdt oyp dlyakdt vbl rskdv sq lmyprlayvksd okvb bla psd. “R’zz alxlxcla.”

“Gde kq bl eslpd’v vyzj, bl’p dsv vaukdt vs cl kxrszkvl. Tl’p dsv hlau tsse yv lmralppkdt bkxplzq,” Nkd Dktw yeele.

“Xjyu, R tsv kv,” Kk Cksdt dseele, vbld pyke vs Nkd Dktw’p eye, “Vypp xl vbl nya jlup.”

“Mblu’al sd vbl pbsl aynj,” bkp eye alrzkle okvbswv zssjkdt wr qasx bkp lxykz.

Kk Cksdt eashl sqq okvb Nkd Dktw kd vbl ryppldtla plyv. Gzsdt vbl oyu, Nkd Dktw nswze qllz bkp dlahswpdlpp eawxxkdt kd bkp nblpv. Tl vlmvle Fbl Dkys ypjkdt,

Are you on your way?

She Xiao replied,

Almost.

Lin Xigu said, 

Okay, no rush.

Sitting in the restaurant, Lin Xigu was feeling a little antsy. It was a feeling of wanting to show off mixed with uncontrollable jitters.

Ji Qiong looked at him. Life was interesting like that. Although she was in the company of her stepchildren every day, they weren’t her flesh and blood, after all. How time had flown—in a blink of an eye, her son was now sitting in front of her, waiting to introduce her to his little friend, his special someone. His palms were sweaty and he kept wiping them with a napkin.

It was her biggest regret as a mother. No matter the reason, it was the fault of both parents for depriving him of his mother growing up.

“I’m not going to eat him. Why are you so nervous?” Ji Qiong handed him a glass of water and teased him, “You really don’t take after me, but you’re also not like your dad. When we were your age, we were absolutely fearless. We thought we could conquer the world.”

Lin Xigu glanced at his watch and whispered, “That’s not something you should brag about… If I were more like you two, you would have so much more to worry about. You’d be getting calls from the school every day about all the trouble I’m stirring up.”

Ji Qiong chuckled, “It might have been better if you really were like that. That’s how kids your age should act.”

Lin Xigu chatted with his mom for a while which helped to ease some of his nervousness, but as the minutes ticked by, his anxiety began to rise again.

More than twenty minutes had already passed. Lin Xigu took out his phone to text She Xiao and ask where he was, but there was no response.

Ten minutes later, Lin Xigu sent another message. There was still no reply.

He could feel the drums crescendoing in his chest again. He had a premonition that something bad was about to happen.

“What’s wrong?” Ji Qiong asked him.

Lin Xigu looked at her and shook his head, “I don’t know.”

“Where is he?” she asked.

Lin Xigu didn’t have the answer to her question. With anyone else, showing up late might seem impolite or disrespectful, but She Xiao was never late; he always arrived before Lin Xigu. Lin Xigu began to worry that something terrible had happened.

Did that man finally return?

He had been away from home for a long time, living who-knows-where.

It was the only possible reason for She Xiao’s absence. Lin Xigu dialled She Xiao’s phone, but like Lin Xigu’s texts, the call went unanswered. He was left with nothing but worry, hoping desperately that something bad hadn’t happened to She Xiao, that he wasn’t hurt in any way.

“He probably had something else to tend to…” Lin Xigu explained to his mother with a furrowed brow. “His situation is slightly complicated.”

“How so?”

“I’ll tell you when we get home later, okay?”

Ji Qiong nodded.

They waited until Lin Xigu was certain that She Xiao wasn’t coming anymore. He no longer cared whether She Xiao came or not. He just hoped that She Xiao was okay, that he wasn’t hurt.

As they ate, Lin Xigu barely tasted the food. His mind was filled with terrifying images of She Xiao’s father. “Are you going to blame him for not showing up?” He asked his mom.

“It depends on the reason,” Ji Qiong replied. She could tell that Lin Xigu was hiding something from her; he had been evasive during all of their video calls, like there was something that he wanted to say but didn’t. Ji Qiong dabbed her mouth with a napkin. “As long as there’s a legitimate reason, I won’t blame him.”

Lin Xigu nodded and said, “I’m sure there’s a reason.”

Ji Qiong smiled reassuringly and said, “Then you have nothing to worry about.”

In truth, what Lin Xigu was worried about was what had happened to She Xiao. In a short span of time, he had already imagined every possible accident and catastrophe. He even thought about going to She Xiao’s complex and patrolling the perimeter.

Lin Xigu was surprised when She Xiao did eventually appear. He and his mom had already finished their meals and were just about to leave when Ji Qiong’s eyes gravitated to a point behind Lin Xigu’s shoulder. Following her gaze, Lin Xigu saw She Xiao walking towards them. His complexion was pale, but he seemed okay. He seemed to be moving normally, at least.

She Xiao approached quietly and once he had reached their table, he bowed silently to Ji Qiong in apology. Lin Xigu stood immediately when he saw him, asking, “What’s wrong? Is everything okay?”

She Xiao shook his head at him.

Lin Xigu offered him the inside seat. When She Xiao had seated himself, Lin Xigu asked, “Did you lose your phone?”

She Xiao nodded. “Mn.”

Then, he looked at Ji Qiong and said, “I’m sorry.”

Ji Qiong smiled, “It’s okay. Have you eaten?”

She Xiao had never been in this position before. He didn’t know how to act around an unfamiliar elder. He didn’t even know the proper way to address her, so he merely nodded. “Yes.”

“Let’s get you something to drink then. We didn’t wait for you because we thought you weren’t coming. Take a look at the menu and see if there’s anything you’d like to order?” She beckoned the waiter over.

Lin Xigu rushed to order a drink for She Xiao.

After the waiter had taken their order and walked away, Lin Xigu whispered to She Xiao, “This is my mom. You can call her Ayi.”

She Xiao nodded. “Ayi.”

Ji Qiong kept looking at him, so She Xiao lowered his gaze and repeated again, “I’m sorry.”

Ji Qiong smiled, “You don’t need to keep apologizing. Once is enough.”

She Xiao didn’t know what else to say if he wasn’t allowed to say sorry, so he just stayed silent. He was wearing a denim jacket which made him look exceedingly handsome, but Lin Xigu couldn’t care less about that at the moment; he wanted to know what She Xiao was hiding under the thick denim.

Lin Xigu was certain now that he was injured. His complexion was getting steadily worse as time dragged on. Even his lips were pale.

“Did he… come back?” Lin Xigu asked.

She Xiao glanced at him and nodded, “Yes.”

“Did you two get in a fight?”

She Xiao glanced at Ji Qiong sitting opposite them and nodded again.

“He hit you?” Lin Xigu’s eyes widened. His heart sank like an anchor. “Where were you hurt?”

She Xiao shrugged nonchalantly. “Nowhere.”

“That’s impossible.” Lin Xigu looked at the pallor of his lips, unable to describe his emotions—worry, rage, heartache, a whole jumbled mess.

She Xiao didn’t say anything more. He sat stiffly in his chair, his gaze fixed outside the large restaurant window. His eyes focused on the yellowing leaves outside as they drifted onto the sidewalk, and the Hello Kitty balloon bobbing in the hand of the little girl standing on the other side.

The waiter brought the juice Lin Xigu had ordered for She Xiao and placed it on the table. Ji Qiong handed it to She Xiao who quietly said, “Thank you.”

Ji Qiong had been watching him the entire time. She asked softly, “Who’s hitting you?”

She Xiao looked at her, but before he could respond, Lin Xigu spoke on his behalf, “His dad.”

Ji Qiong raised an eyebrow, “Why?”

Lin Xigu looked over and asked She Xiao cautiously, “Am I allowed to tell her?”

She Xiao gave a low “Mn” and continued to gaze out of the window. The weather was turning cold, the transition from late autumn into early winter marking the most barren of seasons. 

Lin Xigu’s gaze met his mother’s, and he said, “I’ll tell you about it when we get home…”

Ji Qiong’s eyes travelled back and forth between the two of them before she nodded and said, “Okay.”

However, She Xiao suddenly spoke up, “Allow me.”

Lin Xigu looked at She Xiao with surprise.

She Xiao took a gulp of juice and wiped his lips. His voice was always hoarse in a way that didn’t match his appearance. To most, it was not a nice voice. Lin Xigu had wondered once whether his voice had always been different or if his vocal cords had been damaged from crying so much as a child.

That day, She Xiao struggled over each word he said to the stranger in front of him. He talked a lot, and shared things that even Lin Xigu didn’t know. Lin Xigu hadn’t intended for him to reveal so much. He was afraid his parents would worry, afraid they would disapprove of him dating She Xiao.

There came a point in his speech where Lin Xigu wanted to stop him, but what She Xiao said had already left Lin Xigu beyond words. The past month had been too peaceful, and Lin Xigu had almost forgotten how they had gotten together in the first place. He had almost forgotten the days of near-constant worry; She Xiao’s words brought it all back.

It had been a long time since She Xiao was last injured, and Lin Xigu had almost forgotten what that kind of heartache felt like. The feeling was like someone stabbing a knife into his chest, not just once but twice, three times, over and over again.

She Xiao was calm and open as he spoke. He hid nothing.

He laid bare every vulnerable thing about himself on the table. It was a monstrous truth that he had carved from his heart, with bloodstains and rot and pus, and he presented it for Lin Xigu and his family to see.

Finally, he stood and removed his jacket. He turned around, revealing the large bloodstain that had spread across the back of his white t-shirt.

Lin Xigu’s eyes reddened immediately, suffocated by the weight of the despair that had come crashing down over all of their heads.

She Xiao said, “I have no way out, and I have no future.”

He stared into Ji Qiong’s eyes and addressed her again, his voice heavy and low, “…Ayi.”

It was the first time Lin Xigu had heard She Xiao say so much at once, but he wished he had heard none of it.

The road ahead was dark as pitch, but where was the exit?