Chapter 51

On that day, Lin Xigu returned home after school and unlocked the door as he always did, but to his surprise, the lights were on inside his usually dark and empty apartment.

He glanced down at the shoes in the entryway.

Before he could process what it all meant, he looked up to see his mother in pajamas and his father in casual loungewear.

In an instant, Lin Xigu felt like he had travelled back in time, back to when he was a child in elementary school. That was the last time he remembered seeing both of his parents in the same room, waiting for him to return home.

“Surprised?” his mother asked with a smile.

Lin Xigu kicked off his shoes and rushed into his mom’s waiting arms, grinning, “When did you arrive, Ma? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“What’s the use in telling you? What would you have done; could you have picked me up from the airport?” His mother smiled as she tousled his hair affectionately.

Lin Xigu hadn’t fully recovered from the shock and felt a little choked up with emotion. “You didn’t come all this way because of me, did you? I told you not to bother. The flight is much too long.”

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“R oswzed’v cl yczl vs tlv y tsse dktbv’p alpv okvbswv nsxkdt vs pll usw,” pbl pktble, zssjkdt yv Nkd Dktw, “R bye vs nblnj sd usw xuplzq.”

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Tkp xsx dseele. “Xq nswapl R eke. Rv’p dsv zkjl kv’p y plnalv, cwv bl pvkzz osd’v yexkv vbyv bl’p kd vbl oasdt blal. R zkhl byzqoyu ynaspp vbl osaze yde lhld R jdlo. R esd’v jdso obyv bkp kely sq ryaldvkdt kp.”

“Ebyv nswze R byhl rsppkczu esdl kq bl eked’v oydv vs vlzz xl?” Tkp qyvbla vbalo bkp bydep wr, lmyprlayvle.

“Nkd Ckwasdt, usw’hl clld vbkp oyu uswa ldvkal zkql yde R esd’v vbkdj usw’zz lhla nbydtl. Tyhl usw lhla vyjld vbl vkxl vs nsdpkela vbyv xyucl usw’al vbl sdl yv qywzv? R twlpp zlsryaep alyzzu esd’v nbydtl vblka prsvp. Ekvb uswa jkde sq yvvkvwel, usw xktbv yp olzz tkhl xl nwpvseu yde R nyd vyjl nyal sq bkx.” Kk Cksdt tzyale, bla osaep prkzzkdt swv sdl pldvldnl yqvla ydsvbla.

“You’re right, I’m wrong. I’ve been too buried in work. Alright, I won’t hang around like an eyesore anymore. You two talk,” Lin Qiurong conceded, standing up and walking into the spare bedroom which he had once converted into a personal gym for Lin Xigu. He knew that Ji Qiong probably had a lot to say to their son, so he respectfully gave them their space.

Lin Xigu scratched his head. It had been many years since he last heard his parents fighting. He didn’t know how to feel about the fact that he was the reason they had gone out of their way to come together. It was a rather complicated feeling. Still drifting between surprise and shock, he came to the sudden realization that everything had changed. Back then, he had been so young, but in the blink of an eye, they were arguing in front of him again, and this time, it was because he was dating another boy. 

It was certainly an unexpected turn of events. 

---

There was never any doubt that Lin Xigu was going to share a bed with his mom that night.

His mother’s eyes bore into Lin Xigu until he itched with guilt, as if she could see straight into his heart. Lin Xigu didn’t dare lie. It was at this moment that he began to thank his stars that he and She Xiao had not yet done the deed.

He scratched his chin as he answered her question in a whisper, “No. No, we haven’t done anything out of line…”

“I’ve said it before, haven’t I? You’re still too young,” his mother leaned against the headboard, patting Lin Xigu’s back just like she used to when he was a child and she was coaxing him to sleep. It felt a little strange to be patted like this by his mother when he was already grown, but he couldn’t bring himself to refuse. He relished the atmosphere of familiarity between them.

“… I know,” Lin Xigu said sheepishly.

“When you’re young, there are things you should do and things you shouldn’t. You don’t need me to tell you that, right?”

His mother’s voice was gentle, but for some reason, Lin Xigu felt the sternness behind her words. He nodded. “I understand.”

“Now that you’re older, now that you’re almost an adult, you must exercise good judgment. You can make a lot of mistakes that you’ll come to regret for the rest of your life. Whatever you do, whomever you like, I can say that you’re still young, you’re impulsive, and you’re determined to be together with the person you like, no matter the cost. I can understand all of that.

“But you are still only seventeen, baby.”

His mother stared directly into his eyes as she delivered the words that made Lin Xigu’s heart sink. “The feelings that you think are bone-deep and unforgettable now may seem like a joke to you in a year or two. Perhaps someday, your little friend¹ 小朋友, literally “little friend”, is a common word for “child” or “kid”. But attaching a possessive and making it into “your little friend” is a cute way of referring to Lin Xigu’s boyfriend. I’m not sure this comes across in English. It’s not meant to be disparaging or patronizing. will suddenly wave goodbye and say, ‘I’m done playing.’ Perhaps he’ll go and parade a pretty girl in front of you. What am I to do if you turn to me then and ask me ‘why?'”

Lin Xigu instinctively tried to refute her, “It won’t happen, Mama.”

Ji Qiong touched his hair with a faint smile. She continued, “I started dating your dad when I was nineteen. At the time, I was so invested that I thought I would end my own life if he were to ever disappear from it.”

There was a self-deprecating glint in her eyes as she spoke of distant memories, of life’s uncertainties with detached acceptance in her voice. “And now? We were legally married, we had you, we had the blessing of everyone we knew. There was no ‘other woman’, no infidelity, no betrayal, and yet we still got divorced.”

Lin Xigu’s heart ached while listening to her speak. Deep inside, he could feel a faint sense of loss too. In his memories as a young child, their family had been happy. His parents had loved each other, and they had loved him too.

Lin Xigu rubbed his face against the pillow. After his parents’ divorce, there was more than one occasion where Lin Xigu had wanted to ask them why things had turned out that way. Why had that been their ending when everything had been going so well?　

“So, my darling, nothing is for certain in this world.” She took a sip of water from her glass, then held the glass with both hands, slowly turning it around. “All emotions have an expiration date. Even adults aren’t very good at controlling their emotions, let alone a child like you. That’s why you must protect yourself from everything that might try to hurt you, physically and emotionally.”

Lin Xigu nodded slowly. “I will, Mama.”

Though he found his mom’s advice reasonable as he listened, he only absorbed half of it. He thought her words were just a little too cynical. He and She Xiao were not going to be separated, at least for the time being. Why shouldn’t they be together if they liked each other? He couldn’t imagine that either of them would suddenly stop liking the other person. He certainly wouldn’t, and She Xiao wouln’t either. 

She Xiao didn’t speak much, but there was nothing false in his eyes and his actions. His feelings were buried, true, but they were also deep-rooted, and that gave them weight.

By the time they were done talking, it was already past one o’clock in the morning. Lin Xigu would have never looked at his phone in a serious conversation; that would have been disrespectful to his mother. When he finally got a chance to check his phone, he saw two messages from She Xiao. The first one asked,

Are you home yet?

The second one, sent at half past eleven, read:

Sleeping already?

Lin Xigu usually texted She Xiao every night so She Xiao was probably a little worried. Lin Xigu quickly replied:

Sorry, my parents came over and I just looked at my phone. Are you sleeping?

She Xiao responded so promptly that Lin Xigu felt as though the reply had come almost simultaneously:

Not yet. Get some rest. Goodnight.

On the outside, She Xiao appeared so cool and solitary, yet ever since they started dating, he had always made Lin Xigu feel secure. But having just ended a heavy conversation with his mom, Lin Xigu still felt a twinge of insecurity no matter how confident he was about their relationship.

Biting his lip, he texted back:

Okay, goodnight. I really like you.

Lin Xigu was never stingy when it came to expressing his feelings about She Xiao. The only reason he didn’t regularly say it out loud was because he was embarrassed.

He hadn’t expected She Xiao to reply. When Lin Xigu read the sparse words on the screen, his heart pounded, and he gripped his phone as he swelled with the strength he needed.

She Xiao had replied:

Likewise. Sleep now.

Likewise.

She Xiao would never say “I like you”. He hid all his emotions and locked them away. Those two syllables were enough to express the totality of his feelings. Lin Xigu gently placed his phone under his pillow. Just two little syllables. But through them, he could feel She Xiao’s gentleness, and the roaring tide of his devotion.

---

With his parents around, Lin Xigu’s romantic life suffered a huge setback. He was expected to go home every day to eat his mom’s home-cooked lunches, and in the evenings, he had no choice but to return home early without walking She Xiao home first.

He really wanted to share all of this with She Xiao. He even thought about getting She Xiao out of that wretched house, and sharing his parents with him instead. He wanted to share everything he had.

On Friday, Ji Qiong asked, “Don’t you have Sundays off? Bring your little friend around. I’ll take you both out for a meal, my treat.”

Lin Xigu paused in the middle of what he was doing and looked at her. “Huh?”

“What’s with the ‘huh’?” She clapped Lin Xigu on the head. “I came all this way, I’m not going to leave without seeing with my own eyes what kind of person he is. If he turns out to be a little brat, I’d rather take you back with me than leave you here to your own devices. Or maybe I’ll have your dad take a break from work so he can keep an eye on you. You’re in your final year of high school now; we can’t risk a repeat of what happened at your last school.”

Lin Xigu blinked, feeling a bit hesitant. “Er…”

“You don’t want me to meet him?” Ji Qiong raised an eyebrow as she looked at her son. “Aren’t you the one who’s always bragging about him? That he’s good-looking and incredibly smart? What, you’re afraid of showing him off?”

Lin Xigu wasn’t afraid of introducing them, but he was afraid that She Xiao wouldn’t want to go. She Xiao rarely spoke to anyone other than Lin Xigu; that was just the way he was. It would be terrible if his mom were to see this as a character flaw. 

Lin Xigu thought for a moment and said, “Well, he’s… not much of a talker.”

“He’s shy, you mean?”

Lin Xigu nodded. “Something like that… And if he does talk to you, he might speak a bit slower than other people. You have to promise you won’t react to it.”

“What does that mean?” Ji Qiong stared at Lin Xigu. “He has a speech impediment?”

“Not quite. He’s not impaired, he just talks a little slow.” Lin Xigu didn’t like that word. There was nothing wrong with She Xiao; he was just a slow-speaker.

“Alright, alright. I’m old enough that I’d like to think I’ve seen more of the world than you have,” Ji Qiong chuckled, amused at her son’s serious expression and shook her head. “You don’t have to look so worried. I just want to see for myself what kind of kid he is, maybe have a little chat with him. You can relax.”

Lin Xigu was still reluctant as he nodded. “Then please be gentle when you talk to him, make sure you don’t look too stern…”

Ji Qiong didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “Am I really that scary, baby?”

Lin Xigu thought for a moment before whispering to his mom, “And how about we leave Dad out of this one? He’s got an intimidating face.”

“Alright, we’ll ditch him. It’ll just be the three of us,” Ji Qiong suddenly felt a strong urge to laugh. Her son was playing house now, but he was clearly still a child. How would such a silly kid go about juggling a romantic relationship? She tried to imagine it and it made her chuckle; the emotions one had at that age were so naive that they were endearing.

---

When Lin Xigu extended his mom’s invitation to She Xiao, She Xiao noticeably froze for a moment as his brows drew closer together.

Lin Xigu watched him carefully. “You… don’t want to go?”

She Xiao didn’t say anything. Lin Xigu continued, “It’s okay if you don’t want to go. We don’t have to. It’s nothing.”

She Xiao lowered his head and was silent for a long time. Lin Xigu gently nudged his arm and whispered, “It’s honestly okay, don’t worry…”

She Xiao looked into Lin Xigu’s eyes. He didn’t know how to communicate all the thoughts in his head.

He didn’t know how to tell Lin Xigu that they did not share the same future.

Their brief journey together didn’t give him the right to seep into the rest of Lin Xigu’s life like an ugly stain.

The sun would always be the sun. After piercing through the darkness, it had to return to its own orbit. It had to blaze on.

The sun shouldn’t stay forever trapped in the mud.